Lesson #1

How you start your first day in New Orleans is key to how the rest of the weekend might pan out.

So far, I have learned to not do the following:

1. I will not begin my day with shots of moonshine at lunch.
2. I will not follow that shot I won't take with wine.
3. I will not try to soak up the alcohol with fried alligator, fried boudin balls or shrimp & eggplant dressing.
4. I will not then proceed to sit on a patio all day drinking 2 bottles of champagne.
5. I will not once again try to absorb the liquids with a very large, very full muffaletta and bowl of gumbo from Frankie & Johnny's.
6. I will not lay down for a disco nap that lasts longer than my life.


So far, I have learned to do the following:

1. Bring drawstring pants
2. Buy a Mardi Gras wig to put over this freaking disaster on my head.
3. ...
4. ...

It's 8:50 and I'm off to begin day 2. I think a Voodoo Mary is in order. Oh no...this is how it all starts....

Da Dogg

So, what is a trip to NOLA for Mardi Gras with out being accompanied by my dear friend and protector Snoop D.O-Dub G.  

Lady Hayden left his Snoop on a Stick at my house two years ago after a long Wine & Whine weekend, so I of course had to bring his to Nola with me, so give back to him when I see him tomorrow.  Going to go ahead and bet that we'll be perusing all the streets in the Quarter and the local gay bars with Snoops in hand.  Hey, it's what we know.  It's what we do. 

People normally look at me like I'm some sort of batshit crazy when I bust out My Dogg, but what fun is a plane ride without making an ass out of yourself?!?!?

My poor seatmates, I don't even think they knew what to do when I pulled this gangsta out of my bag. Charles was at least crazy enough, (read: drunk enough) to go along with it and pose for a picture.

This dude next to me, however, did not! So I did it myself! :)

I'm going to go ahead and suggest to area school districts that my Snoop on a Stick become the next Flat Stanley.

PS - Dude the hair!?!?!? Well, let's just say that any picture taken and posted during this weekend will be of me with some whacked out do. Airport security confiscated my mousse that controls this crazy mop, and well...I'm in New Orleans. Yikes.

Just In Case You Were Wondering...

If you ever wake up in the middle of the night absolutely starving, rolling over and lying on your stomach does not cure the crave.

In midst of my slumber the other night, for some unknown reason {wait, I went to bed at 7:30 without dinner} so for some known reason, I woke up around 11:00 really really hungry. I did not want to drag myself out of bed and eat something, especially that late, so I decided to fight it. Probably the hardest battle I've had in life to date.

In some retarded rationale, I figured if I rolled over to my stomach, I would fix the problem. I don't have any clue why, but I felt like some kind of philanthropist for a cause such as Fighting Back Against Hunger, like my stomach was some third world country or something. Only, if I was really 'fighting back,' I'd feed the damn thing. My 'fighting back' was denying the hunger control over me.

Why the hell do I think such retarded things when I'm supposed to be sound asleep? Needless to say, my philanthropy didn't work so well.

Just thought I'd let you know. Because I'm kind like that.

I Bow Down To You, Mr. Cake Ball!

Holy crap! I had no idea people were so passionate about cake balls. My cousin, his wife Libby and my aunt have all informed me that they are dang good. And I've now heard that there are some old family recipes for cake balls.

How come I have never, ever heard of such a thing? I once thought I was a qualified cake connoisseur, but apparently I have been mistaken. However, in Dallas, cake balls are the latest trend to hit bakeries. It's like the Wii just came out all over again, but for your taste buds. I've just started noticing it being posted up all over Facebook. Can't think of what to get a friend for her birthday? Get her some balls, all of Facebook does! I'm absolutely convinced these balls came to surface in the DF-Dub when Obama won the election. Was that the 'change' he promised? So, since this new trend hit the market just recently, has the entire Metroplex been sheltered from this phenomenon? Please tell me there are others of you out there who are completely in the dark about this! I still refuse to pay $16 for some cake balls, but if anyone wants to send me one, I'll try it.

PS - Aunt Annie - how the hell do you know about cake balls? Don't they have dairy and stuff in it? Is it possible that a vegan is even more in tune with guilty pleasures than I? *Gasp* - Have I lost my Cake Queen title too?

PPS - I just consulted with Hayden and he has never had, nor heard of a cake ball either. That's one point for my side, because clearly if a fairy that is familiar with balls of all sorts has yet to be introduced to the cake ball....I'm not alone on this.

My List of WTFs

A) Cake Balls
What the hell is this phenomenon, better known as Cake Balls? Where did these balls come from? Last night, Danette called me to ask if I had heard of them before, because apparently she has been seeing them everywhere. Oddly enough, so have I. Just recently. What kind of trend is this?

1. Cake balls are crumbs of cake rolled with icing into miniature balls and dipped in chocolate or something like that. Why the hell would anyone not just make I cake, top it with icing and drizzle some chocolate on top? Or do the same with cupcakes? It sounds a lot easier than baking a cake, crumbling it all up, rolling into some ball and dipping it. It's got to taste the same right?

2. Bakeries don't just make cake balls for the fun of it, I'm sure of it. When a bakery makes a specific designed cake, they shave off some parts of the cake to make it even. Why waste that perfectly good cake when they can make some new product out of it and sell it for tons. If you buy cake balls, you're buying cake trash. It's the leftover trash from someone elses cake. I'm not hopping on this cake ball train.

3. A local bakery sells a half-dozen cake balls for $16. Neiman's sells 18 cake balls for $75 plus shipping. You've got to be outside your mind if you think I'm paying a minimum of $2.66 for one single rolled up ball of someone elses trash!

I agree, great marketing ploy for bakeries, but I'm not falling for it. I want a piece of cake, please. A whole piece of real cake!

2. The Bachelor
Okay, of course it's Tuesday so you're going to get my rundown of what I thought of last nights episode.

1. Seriously, Melissa's parents? Being too private to be on the show? Not showing their faces to support her at any of her games? Bullshit! She said it didn't bother her and maybe it doesn't, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't be scarred by some half-assed parenting. And her friends don't know her parents!?!?! What kind of crazy shenanigans is that crap? I'm pretty sure that my friends would rather hang out with my parents than me on any given day, but that's just me..... Whatever, dude!

2. Naomi's parents! That deserves a big fat OMG Cholesterol. There is absolutely no way I would have kept that chick around either, not after her mother made me bury a dove in her backyard. And "we're from the same soul family." I would have run like hell if some crazy broad came at me with that nonsense.

3. I thought Molly's hometown date went pretty well, nothing too off the wall. But that pink popped collar under her sweater. That needs to go.


3. My sleep
All night last night, I remember thinking to myself that my bed is so comfy and I'm so glad to be in it because I'll sleep so well. But I didn't sleep so well, because all I could think about what how cozy I was. How does that freaking happen? Apparently it wasn't so comfy because I surely would have fallen fast asleep and not remembered anything if it was.

4. My computer
My computer has gone apeshit. I'm completely convinced. First it was just my blog and all the stupid errors I kept getting when trying to rearrange my sidebar. Then it's hard to see my 'Older posts' button at the bottom. And now, my computer's entire existence is about to blow up in my face. I think I smell it smoking as speak. ... So if my work computer melts down to nothing, you will probably never hear from me again. Because we all know that this is all I do at work....

I'm going to stop this list before I even move on to the Bitch from the Metroplex. (same one from last week.)

I think Mardi Gras is going to be quite a blessing to me this weekend. I think I'm in an emergency need of a good innebriation.

You Want Me To Do What?

Work?  Seriously?  I have to dooooooo something?

Yes, this week can be summed up as the week from Hell.  Sent up to me by Sir Lucifer himself to taunt me and tickle my nerves.

I had plenty of unpleasant tasks on my to-do list this week, one of them being to fire someone. Talk about anxiety?!?!  Then I was fortunate enough to experience the battle with the Wicked Bitch of the east, west metroplex.  And then when I learned of my chore of collecting outstanding invoices from two pompous ass attorneys for services rendered over three months ago, I assumed this is what death must feel like.  

Needless to say, my mood has been pretty dang pissy these last few days and I'm sure I'm just radiating the heat waves that were so kindly instilled in me by said Lucifer(s.)  

It's easy to get over though, since there have been millions of easy days at work to make everything all worth while.  

So, at the end of the week (my dad hates these phrases 'at the end of the day'/'at the end of the week' - sorry Mikey) - and THANK GOD it's the end of the week, I'm still alive.  Still breathing.  Still kickin'.  Still laughing.  And of course, still hungry.  :)  

Let the weekend begin!!!!

TC Reunites...Kinda

Yesterday after work, I met up with a few of the ladies from Team Chelada, and Robyn, for some much needed Cheladas. Tammi has been out of the loop since mid-December, while she's been busy playing the new mommy to her precious little boy. Luckily for us, she had to return to her office for a meeting yesterday, and was able to meet us for a quick round of drinks and dinner at Uncle Julio's. Oh, and of course she brought Baby Boy B to meet us all. It was so good to see her and such a joy to watch her nurture that sweet little man. I won't lie though, I'm ready for her to be back at work and ready for a routine Happy Hour again. (Although something tells me she's not going to be staying as long anymore...)

I do have a secret to share though. Listen really close, because I'm going to whisper. I don't really want everyone around to hear.

I only drank half of a single Chelada. Then I ordered water.

*GASP*

What is wrong with me???

Thaaaaaat Girl!

I've decided that I need to implement some type of system that alerts friends of the recent social statuses of fellow companions. Sort of like an Amber Alert, but of less importance, obviously! If only someone would have updated me on the current situation, I wouldn't have been that girl the other day.

(Names have been changed for privacy.)

Me: Hey John, where's Jane?

{Cricket. Everyone glares at me.}

John Doe: I have no idea, we haven't been together for about three months.

{Crickets.}

Me: Oh John, I'm so sorry. I feel like an ass for bringing it up.

John Doe: Oh, it's ok. I'm working on it. I was hoping to have it figured all out by today, but I guess I'll have it figured out in 5 years.

Me: What's today?

John Doe: Today is my 30th birthday.

Crowd: It is? Happy Birthday, man!!!

John Doe: Yeah thanks.

Me: Is that a new tattoo?

John Doe: Yes, it's about two weeks old.

Me: Well, what have you been up to? How's your business doing?

John Doe: Well, I've been in rehab. When Jane kicked me out, I decided I needed to go. It's the only way I can get her back. Well, except that she has a new boyfriend.

{Crickets.}

I mean seriously y'all, what do you say to that??? I was pretty much paralyzed where I stood, trying to think of what to respond, but I had nothin. I felt awful the entire time, I forced Debbie Downer to talk and bring the whole mood to an awkward low. Had only someone informed me of this beforehand, we could have avoided this situation. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why we need some sort of social status alert system.

Skilled

Let me just tell you, I'm on top of my game today. I honestly feel pretty official and important with the tasks I'm completing.

Colby is out of the office for a few days, enjoying a nice dudes' ski trip, so I'm taking the down time to do some much needed maintanence and updates.

I'm conquering the following:

1. My taxes. I really enjoy trying to do them myself. No assistance from the computer or anything, I just like to fill in all the forms and schedules myself and see if I get it right. Of course, my dad always does a final check before I submit. So far, I've been damn near accurate everytime. It's not always a good thing though, I'm usually hoping my dad will find a mistake, leading to a greater return for me, but that never happens!

2. Had a phone conference with my financial advisor to discuss my investments and such. Seriously? How grown up of me!

3. Lately, my computer has been running sub-par, at best. After speaking with Chris, my favorite IT consultant, I tackled the project of installing new memory into my computer. This wasn't any type of downloading a program. This was taking the computer apart and actually installing two pieces of hardware. I'm practically a computer builder by now.

4. Back-up. I would be completely lost if something happened to all the data and documents I have stored on my work computer. To prevent such a disaster, I've gotten an external hard-drive so that I may back up all my information.

Dudes, I haven't done this much work in...hmm....have I ever done this much work?

Claire

Our sweet baby Claire should be so honored so have such an amazing namesake. My grandmother's name was Claire, and was absolutely a stunning woman.


She was a Southern Belle. A Georgia Peach. A Sorority Girl. A Beauty Queen. She always seized the moment and took advantage of every opportunity. She was a mentor, a critic and a friend. She nurtured, she played, she taught. She always had a full dance card, was forever young (if even only at heart,) she loved to love and she loved to live. When Molly was only three years old, she asked our grandma if her wrinkles hurt. She responded "Wrinkles only hurt on the inside."

She was raised in the old tradition where etiquette and social grace were of high importance. She always wanted to put her best foot forward, and began that each and every day with a regimen of a good brush of the hair and a sharp color of lipstick. Nearly 30 years before she passed, she began a three-page list of instructions for caring for her as she aged. Without a doubt, the top of the list included that she must always have a combed head and flashy smile. She tried to teach Molly and I these same lessons, although sometimes they conflicted with how we wanted to look. She wasn't so fond of my naturally curly hair, and was often asking me if I needed to borrow her brush.

She documented her favorite memories that weren't captured through pictures or letters by providing detailed explanations and captions on the back of photos. She always wanted to cherish the funny and meaningful things her grandchildren said.

One of our favorites is a picture we found of her from 1992. She wrote:
'Christmas 1992. Me! Hope there are better pictures than this. But maybe in five years, this will look pretty good.'

Four years later, she returned to that same picture and elaborated on the caption:
'1996 - No, I still don't like it!'

I find it amazing how she preserved such memories by keeping all the meaningful cards, letters, pictures we sent her and by writing additional details on photos. She even had planned ahead and separated all the special keepsakes that we were to receive once she was gone. Looking back through these wonderful documents, helps Molly and I see the woman she really was. It teaches us about the women we really want to be.

Today would have been her ninety-third birthday. Unfortunately, she left us for His better place in 2005, but she still remains a special part of our lives. I'm so thankful we have a precious new lady to keep the name forever living.

You know the saying "Everyone dies, but not everyone lives."

My grandmother Claire, she lived...

Please Excuse The Dust!

I don't know what has been up with my blog lately. Somehow all my sidebar items were moved to the bottom of the page? Everything is all jacked up. What happened?

I'm in the process of fixing it all, so please be patient with me.

In the meantime, look at Claire. I babysat her last weekend while Mark & Maegan were in Orlando, and believe me, I understand what a hard job you mommies have. That kid was all over the place. I had to get some 'me' time in, just long enough to shower and get dressed but she was NOT having it. Luckily I'm a genius, and just put her in the bathtub with some toys and a bottle and she was good to go. I never knew I'd appreciate 5 minutes in the shower so much!

The Most Important Meal

It's an  ice day, so I'm laying in bed doing nothing.  Well, I am chatting online with Molly who is sitting in class. I don't quite know what to do with myself, but I do know that I'm hungry and have usually had my breakfast by now. I was explaining this all to my sister, when she responds:

Oooohhh, maybe after class, I'll get some hashbrounds.

Some what?? Did you  just say hashbrounds?

She claims that she was trying to pay attention in class and not on what she was saying to me, however I think she just doesn't know how the hell to spell hashbrowns!!!

Ohhh, but hashbrounds do sounds pretty good right now!  

Confessions of a Blogaholic

Hi!

My name is Lane.

L.A.N.E.

{Hi Lane!}

And I'm a blogaholic.

So I have to admit that sometimes I do obsess over this silly blogosphere I am wrapped up in. I know these thoughts should just flow freely from my mind to the keyboard, but that's not always the case.

I often have to sit and think of something to blog about. Then I realize I've got nothing.

Other times, my mind is wandering in 2957258961387461526 directions on what to blog about, and I just become so overwhelmed on choosing that I don't even want to do it anymore.

And on few occasions, I make a blogging to-do list, or making deposits to the blog-bank, if you will. That way, on days that nothing comes to me, I'll visit the bank and make a little withdrawal and spend that cash, errr.... story.

I also have to admit, that sometimes when I've had a drink, or two, or eleventy - I think of something that I need to blog about. I've got it all mapped out in my head, will jot down a few notes or even type out a mini rough draft to be visited at a later, more-sober time. Such was the case on Saturday night. Sunday I went to preview the amazing literary creation from the night before, and realized What.The.Crap. was I thinking??? That is the stupidest thing ever! I'm finding this happens quite often, actually. If you read an entry that makes you feel embarrassed for me, just remember it was probably done in an inebriated whirlwind of rambling!

Most people that I blogstalk, I actually think I know. Like they're my real friends or something. I've found myself referencing them in conversations, using only their first name to discuss them with my friends (who also don't know them,) and even requesting their friendship on Facebook! *GASP!*

Many times, I want to just write something that will shock the hell out of all of you. Not quite sure what that would be, but I often contemplate what all I can share in this virtual novel of nonsense. Good thing I put a lot of thought into that and deciding against it, because I could never show my face in this bloggerific place again. So instead, I will just confess the disease that has overcome my entire existence.

Yes, it's true. I am a blogaholic.

Surgery! Eeek!

Tomorrow I will begin researching doctors and then scheduling my appointment for a very necessary surgical procedure.  I'm a little nervous, but I know this is something I have to do.  I will keep all of you posted with the updates as I endure this scary little experience.  I just hope the recovery period isn't too long and painful.

What is wrong with me, you ask?  Well, I'm going to have to have the fibers of the couch surgically removed from my ass.  

Today, I have done absolutely nothing!  NOTHING!  Well, no that's not true.  I did walk to the mailbox, but didn't sort through the mail.  I did bring in the newspaper but it's still sitting next to the front door.  I did take a bath.  Only to put on a different pair of sweats.  

But the amount of time I have spent being the laziest person on Earth has to have caused the couch cushions and my skin to become one in the same.   I saw that once on Dr. Phil, Oprah, 20/20 or something, when a really obese person couldn't move, the couch grew into his skin.  I know it can happen, and I'm convinced it has happened to me.  All in a day's work.

I See You!

I'm extremely exhausted from a frivolous late night out last night, full of excitement, booze and boys. I can't even begin to work up the energy to post about my night last night, so I'm just going to fall back on a little simple entry.

Or

I'm boring. I have nothing exciting to tell, but I like to make people think I do by lying and saying I'm too tired from a night of fun to write anything.

Yes, I'm thinking the last one is more like it.

However, I do get excited when I stalk those who stalk me. {We live in a sick, sick world, huh?} You see, my Uncle Jim told my sister that my Aunt Trisha checks the blogs almost every day. I confirmed it when I found a mysterious little visitor from Louisiana on my site counter....

So Aunt Trisha, this post full of nothing is for you!!! :)
She really likes to get the crowd feeling her karaoke skills!!

{Yes, that is me next to her pulling up my pants. Flattering, isn't it? Well, at that time I was pulling them up because they were too big for me and falling down. You can still find me doing something like that, only because now I have to pull them up over one of my new and improved jelly rolls. Buuuttt, more likely, you'll just find me with my pants unbuttoned. Hey, it is what it is!}

I Don't Know Why

People expect such great material to come from me. Stacee tagged me to do the whole 'Fourth Picture Tag' thing, because she said she just needed to see what randomness I could come up with.

She also tagged Maegan, and I'm willing to bet that she goes and takes a few new pictures of Claire, puts them in a folder and then gets to choose from one of those. Just a feeling...

The rules are as follows:

1. Choose the 4th folder where you store pictures on your folder.
2. Select the 4th picture in the folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same thing.
5. No Cheating! (Cropping, editing, etc.)

Much like Stacee, this is hard for me to do, because I have pictures stored ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE. In My Documents, then in My Pictures which has a few pictures, but then a sub-folder called My Pictures, which also has a few but then has a sub-folder called Lane's Pictures, has a few pictures and also has a sub-folder for each event. Yes, I told you so. Looking for pictures on my computer is pretty much as much fun as an Easter Egg Hunt...you just never know where you're going to find a little sliver of awesomeness.

So I guess what would make sense, is to offer a variety of 4th photos. WARNING: This is going to be LOOONNNNNGGGGG. However, I guess with this many fourths, there has to be at least one interesting shot....

1. This is me on August 25, 2007 (says the folder name)at some bar in downtown Dallas. I stood up from the bench and felt something hard stuck to butt. I reached under my dress, only to find Robyn's license attached by sweat adhesive to my right cheek. How the hell it got there, no one knows???

2. This is a high-powered, electric screwdriver that was used to build the pole-dancing platform/stage at Abby's bachelorette party.

3. Oh dear lord, I was hoping this wasn't going to happen. But I'll keep it honest. Yes, the 4th picture in the folder for Mark & Amanda's wedding is someone's boobs.

4. According to the folder, this was a picture taken on April 27, 2007. Molly and I were at the Irish Rover in Frisco with Danette, Mandi, Sally, and my dad.

5. Kissing my beloved Bev goodbye for the very last time.

6. Marty playing in the mud. Or stuck in the mud. Yeah, probably stuck in the mud.

7. Easter weekend, 2007. The first snowflakes on the ranch.

8. Marty so enthusiastically showing of the frame he got for his office. Curious about the decor??? This is hunting cabin decor... It's fancy!

9. Sleepy baby Mark. Eeerrr, I mean sleepy baby Claire.

10. Claire sporting her favorite onsie. Clearly, it's her favorite! Geaux Tigers!!!

11. Mark, Maeagan and Claire's family portraits. Claire was 3 months old.

12. Maegan and her mom, Krista, in the delivery room just a'waitin on the Claire Bear. {Sorry, Maegan.}

13. Claire's newborn pictures at 2 weeks ago. Such tiny little hands!

14. Kacy and my adventure to the dog park a few years ago.

15. Molly and I on our float trip for Labor Day in 2006.

16. August 2007, I'm dancing with Kacy's Pop at his birthday party at the VFW in Frankston, Texas.

17. This is my A.Door.A.Bull. Kacy on her way to get her race packet for the 2007 White Rock Half-Marathon.

18. This is Jimmy, Brandon, Keith and Chris at a Halloween Bash. Jimmy & Brandon won the Funniest Costume Award...thanks to me!!!

19. Robyn's digging for gold in Trey's pants. Wait...that's not a costume....
And Marty is playing with a rubber penis. Wait...that's not a costume either...

20. Happy Hour at Shuck & Jive. I decided to bust out the balloons and air pump out of my purse to make some crazy balloon pets.

21. Another Happy Hour. Pappadeaux. Crawfish.

22. Happy Hour. Again. Love & War. Scott & Abby.

23. This is an amazing gift Kacy got me. She saw it at Brookshire's in Tyler.

24. Kacy and Tammi's makeover by the infamous Cheryl. Two Rows.

25. All of our purse hangers. This was Robyn's HH gift to us one day at Uncle Julio's.

26. The lady gays and me in Austin for GHayden's birthday.

27. Allison painting my red wall with a pink primer.

28. Me at Janee's Bachelorette Party. Pete's Piano Bar.

29. Jessica at her Bachelorette Party.

30. The dudes at Jessica & Matt's wedding.

31. Molly and I stopping to grab some breakfast at 5:00 in the morning before I got on my early flight back to Dallas. Do not judge me - you don't even know what kind of state I was in here...

32. Awww, the sweet new family!

33. Matt Wertz = HOTTTTTTT!

34. Kacy & Jen at the Glass Cactus, one Thursday in the summer of 2007. We went to see Cory Morrow play. BTW - I hate him now!!

35. Molly and I are in a really cold, underground wine cave/cellar thingy in France.

36. Robyn racking the balls. This is the night LSU won the 2008 National Championship!!!

37. This picture came out of a folder titled 'Random Stuff for Kacy.' We have a real special friendship. I was driving down the highway when I saw this extreme gamer on the road.

38. My unsuccessful, inconspicuous attempt at getting a photo of Dave, the valet dude, for Jen & Kacy. I really needed to capture the essense of his gold nugget rings, black high tops, cigarette in hand and his boombox. One day, girls, one day...

39. Riding the Dart Rail downtown, all by my lonesome.

40. This is a special little house in Sachse that has been turned into a temple of sorts. This is their yard art.

41. Hah this is a joke. This is the morning I flew out to Hilton Head for Scott & Abby's wedding. This same day, Team Chelada was running a race and I had to miss it. :( I took this picture to show them that I actually did get some exercise in while I was gone. I walked 1000 feet.

42. The boys, their friend Mitch and I cheering on Bobby Boobner at a Stars' playoff game in 2006.

43. Our token black guy on our "Where Da Gold At?" float.

44. Random Stars game.

45. Kristy, Robyn & Me at Taste of Addison in 2007.

So there you have it. The fourth folder where I keep pictures, is then broken down into 45 different files. These are the fourth pictures from each of those files.

So I'm supposed to tag someone now, but I think I've done enough pictures myself of the entire blogging world. But feel free to do it yourself... :)