Warning

Please don't ever send me an invitation to any formal event. I do not belong in public places. If you want your friends and family to maintain respect for you - don't introduce them to me.

It all starts with a glass of wine. Or 196572575 glasses of wine.

Then I steal a bridesmaid's bouquet.

Then I turn homosexual and dance with women.

Then I turn bi curious and have a threesome with my girlfriend and a Guatemalan orthodontist. I'm pretty sure I asked him to look at my teets teeth.

Then I turn back to the male preference and steal my friend's date and start dancing with him. He's a Chalmation - how could I resist?

So what does my date go and do? He steals the Chalmation's date and dances with her!

AND THEN that bastard goes and catches the garter. Seriously Yankee R. Sox?
It's time to get this all straightened out, so I finally get to dance with my date. Turns out, people from Boston don't really know how to two-step, so the dancing looks a little something more like this:

All and all, we had a great time. Thanks for the invite Amanda and Mark, and I apologize if any of our dancing could have been the least bit embarrassing. Although, I know it probably was. Congratulations and wishing you two a life full of happiness!

Hump

Each Wednesday is our group running day. We usually only do a couple of miles on this day, as a buffer between our longer distances on Tuesday and Thursday. This also allows for us to grab a frosty bev afterwards.

Yesterday, I show up to find Tammi talking to a guy in the parking lot. Didn't think much of it as I ran inside to pee, just figured it was someone she knew from her building. I come back out to see him taking pictures of her, then us. I ask what the hell he was doing and he said he was from the Dallas Morning News. WHAT? I proceed to ask him if he is really from the paper and is he really taking pictures of us? Turns out, they are doing an article on pregnant women staying fit, and they are featuring Tammi - since she is running the half (or planning on it) at 8 months pregnant. Being that Team Chelada is so damn lucky to be running with such an inspiring athlete, he followed us (in his car of course) down our trail to get snapshots of us in action. Seriously dude, what the hell is up with people wanting me in their articles lately? I'm not that cool. In fact, I'm not cool at all - ask my friends, they'll tell you I'm not! But I also must take time to welcome and congratulate Smiddy on joining the team and committing to the half in November!
Side note - my poor sister is having a really hard day. Two weeks ago her golf clubs were stolen and last night her car was broken into and they stole her checkbook. Now I get to be the lucky winner to FedEx her rent check to her landlord for tomorrow's due date. I did however tell her I had a surprise to make her day all better and she was dying to know what it was. I said "let's just say we'll look alike" because it's a running joke that we always show up in something either the exact same or very similar. Her response to me was "look alike? what? did you gain weight?" Hah - she's so funny - but this is her surprise (I just got them in the mail today!)...and she'll find out as soon as she reads this blog! Sister - I'm bringing both of these bad boys to the beach so we can do an early morning run! :)

Literally

My mom has a screw loose. No really, I'm being totally serious. We all know she's got a few screws loose upstairs, but she has one loose in her knee now.

In mid-June, she had knee surgery where she received a new knee. Sounds exciting doesn't it? During the surgery, one of her bones fractured and they had to repair it with a screw.

She has been experiencing excruciating pain, far more than normal recovery patients, and when she went to the doctor, they determined that the screw had worked itself out of the bone and was poking on all her new parts. Today she has to go back into surgery to have the screw removed, and will be restitched and in another phase of recovery for about 14 more days. This is super unfortunate being that we leave for the beach in 3 days, and she will not be able to enjoy the ocean with all of us, due to the high risk of infection. She's really upset and I just feel so sorry for her. This is what she has been looking forward to, and now she has to stay inside.

I Feel Ya T-Pain

I'm in love with a stripper too! Secretly, I have a new found respect for strippers and pole dancers!!!

A couple of weeks ago, we had Abby's Bachelorette Party. She didn't want anything too crazy, nothing with the typical penis parade that is common of a normal 'last night out with the girls.' What I thought would be pretty fun and funny, would be to hire someone to come to the house and give us pole dancing lessons. That is hard work and I definitely want a pole in my house. For the exercise, duh! This is such a great idea for future reference. I can't wait to do it again!

I had no idea what to expect when I hired Joye (the instructor,) but she takes her job seriously. She shows up with this huge industrial piece-together stage and power tools.

Her favorite two quotes were hysterical: "You've got to own your sexy" and "It's time to stroke the steel!" The moves she worked on the pole were pretty dang unbelievable! Kacy's face says it all...

Then go the amateurs. A few of us had to tuck our shirts into our jeans because we were fearful of them flying up if we were in fact able to position ourselves upside down on the pole. Turns out, that is harder than crap and nobody even came close! Abby's shirt did come close to falling down the other way though! :)

Please welcome APHRODISIAC ABBY to the main stage!



Please welcome LANE LICKSALOT to the main stage!



Please welcome SCHLOBBIN ROBYN to the main stage!



Please welcome BOOTYLICIOUS BLISS to the main stage!



Please welcome BEWITCHING BECKY to the main stage!



Please welcome SEDUCTIVE SHAY to the main stage!



Please welcome KAMA SUTRA KACY to the main stage!



Please welcome DONKEY PUNCH DANETTE to the main stage!



Please welcome JEZABEL JANEE to the main stage!



After we finished learning some sultry moves on the pole, it was time to sass it up a bit and learn a little bit of lap and chair dancing.


To end the night, Abby had to sport her Suck for a Buck shirt out to a local bar and see how much money she could earn. I was her pimp and all guys and their money had to go through me first! It was a super fun night, without getting TOO crazy, and the best part is...Abby made $215 from her Suck for a Buck shirt!!! She claims that money will go towards buying a pole for her own house.