Only a Mother Would Say

Let me ask you ladies, what the hell are you supposed to do with this comment:

Laney, you have such a pretty face. I'm just sad you're not living up to your full potential in the looks department.

I mean I don't know even know what she's referring to...

If it's because I wore dirty running socks yesterday, I mean I guess I could either wash them or buy more. Buutttt, I was using them to go on another run, it wasn't like I wore them out anywhere....

Is it because I go as long as I possibly can without washing my hair? Well, I can assure you that isn't going to change.

And when I do finally wash my hair, is it because I rarely run a brush through it, but leave the kinks to work themselves out in? Yeah woman...you try battling Medusa every.single.day. every.single.three.days.

Maybe she doesn't believe in my theory of not worrying about how much prep time you spend getting yourself ready, as long as you have a precious pair of earrings, you look totally hot...

Eyeliner, mascara and blush isn't a face-full of pretty?

Wait, maybe I've got it! -- Does she disapprove of me constantly unbuttoning my pants after a meal? Or is it the jelly rolls that ooze over the sides of my pants and our from underneath my bra straps?

Did someone say cupcake?

Is it because when I see the sun shining, I lock myself indoors and close all the blinds in attempt to get as little sun exposure as possible? ...because sun poisoning is.not.cool. -- I'm just sayin...

Does she disagree with my rubberband permanently worn as a bracelet and a running headband that can bail me out of any most folicle desasters?

Is it my toes? It is isn't it? Well dammit woman, you have these monkey thumbs to me, so quit bitchin about it!!

Want me to brush my teeth more when I come stay at your house? Stop throwing away my toothbrushes or using them to clean toilets. I will do a lot of gross things, but I refuse to brush my teeth with toilet water! Is that too much to ask?

I mean, I don't even know how to begin fixing what she finds flawed -- but the good news is this: at least she says I have potential!

Funny, but Sad!

This is my beautiful sister and her friend Jonathan.  They are currently on a drinking studying abroad type program which includes stops in London, Istanbul, and Greece. 

Obviously her cell phone doesn't work over there, but fortunately she is able to get online and chat with us when she's got some downtime. I got up from my computer and when I came back, I had a nice surprise waiting for me: a message from Molly!

"So someone came up to me and asked me what I was. Was I a cougar? Or was I a milf?"

...and that is how my Monday evening was just made!!! 

Thinkin' Outside the Bun!

As I was headed to lunch today, I debated where I would eat - much like I do every.single.day. Deciding against the burger, or thinking outside the bun, I was headed towards TacoBell. Quick glance into the shopping center right before the TB and I notice an alterations shop.

{Thinking... You know, I actually have my pants with me. Score!!! }

Now, let me explain how my lunchtime adventures, all the while trying to avoid the bun, were ironically filled with nothing but (no pun intended) the bun{s}.

---So taking things a few weekends back, I went shopping with Danette, Jen and Amber - all of whom encouraged me to keep pulling out my plastic and giving it a little swipe-a-roo through the register. They definitely talked me into these kickass white pants. Yes, I said white pants. And no, phenomenally, they don't make my ass look incredibly huge. Or flat. In fact, they're probably the only white jean/pants that I will ever be able to pull off! Butt, do they make me look tanner than I really am?!?!? Oh hellllllssss nah! Butt I'll give a little to take a little, right?---

Back to present day -- I make the swift decision that before I fill my gut, I should probably take these pants in to get the hem taken up. You know, for my midget stump legs. I walk out to the tri-fold mirror so Mr. Miyagi can chalk up the appropriate length, and as he's squatting down, he's eye-level with my backside. I shit you not, he takes his finger and traces the gem-lined embroidery on my back pockets. Pretty sure I got a nice little rubdown...

{Circling design with finger} Oh, yis is wery pwetty pocket. You pant are wery bootiful!

I was tempted to say Yes, sir -- my pants are very booty-full! butt I refrained. Instead, I just thanked him for the molestation compliment and went to change back into my other wardrobe.

Out the door I walk, and decide that maybe since I'll soon be donning tight white pants...maaayyybeeee I should forgo the stop at Taco Bell. Jason's Deli is definitely the healthier choice, and it's still outside the bun, so it'll do just fine. And it happens to be right next door to Mr. Miyagi.

As I'm sitting at a table near the counter, and eating my very healthy meal all sophisticated and skinny-like {in my head I was MaryKate-elbows-and-knees skinny} I am involuntarily exposed to more of the bun. Two men who have obviously just completed a vigorous workout are perusing the menu, when one of them slowly starts rubbing the back of the other. Then his hand creeps due south and begins caressing his 'workout partner's' buns, butt not without slowly sneaking his little fingers up the dude's shorts for a little skin-to-skin action.

*Rub!*Pinch!*Squeeze!*Rub!*Pat!*

I mean, seriously?!?

SERIOUSLY?!?

Sear.
E.
Us.
Leigh?!?!

Oh gag... {thinking...is this considered binging and purging if I'm not actually inducing the vomit myself?}

Then, a chick, somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one I'm assuming, bends over to retrieve a belonging she dropped on the floor. In her mini-skirt. The mini-skirt without panties... Oh, wow! Well, I guess I couldn't completely escape the taco either...

Turns out, my lunch was quite ironic. I swear, it was with only good intentions I tried to avoid empty-carb buns and greasy tacos ... butt, it just didn't exactly work out that way. Thanks to a few {ahem, Mr. Miyagi, Senor CuddleMeBums and Tiffany Taco) certain people.

I think I'll bring my lunch tomorrow. I'm thinking chicken breasts... no?

Explanation...

Okay, okay - I know it has been *forever* since I have posted anything interesting (wait, have I EVER posted anything interesting???), and I can basically blame it on the funk I have been in for the past month.

{WTF is a funk anyway?}

I was hoping that I could at least rely on Lady Haydie to fill in for me, but he too has been experiencing an ongoing blah attitude, not to mention a recent bout of BCOD. He's in full recovery mode now, no worries.

Speaking of ailments, let me just tell you about my little injury I sustained last week. Every time I cough, laugh, or even move really, I have this excruciating pain in the right side of my ribcage. Not quite sure exactly what I did, but it's one of two things: I popped a rib out or I pulled a muscle.

If you haven't been up to speed on my latest Facebook statuses, let me inform you how exactly I managed to do this to myself...

...

I was eating a chicken wing!

...

{Excussseeee me, did I just hear someone muffle fatass under their breath?!?!?}

Because let me assure you that I am a calorie-over indulger, carb addict, greasy-fingered lardass no fat kid. Sure, sure, it seems almost impossible to choke on a piece of poultry, inducing a heinous coughing fit and resulting in a very serious injury, but that's why I consider myself extremely talented. These things are just like Mission: ImPossible for me.

Don't believe me?

Well, have you ever pulled a muscle or displaced a rib because you were gnawing on a bone?

Yeah, didn't think so...

Or, better yet... Have you ever broken your toe while floating the river? Like literally sitting in a tube, floating in your own filth at about 0.235271 miles an hour and actually snapped your toe bone in half?

...Yeah, didn't think so either.

See, like I said... I'm just talented like that!