It's Personal

I have been telling y'all for quite some time about the near-unbelievable existence of this woman who works in my building. You know, the Glamazon who likes to plaster her ridiculous leg length all over Dallas. Well my friends, here you have it...I wasn't even trying to lie! LLEGS = Long Legs.

I'm actually quite inspired by this and will be registering for my very own personalized plate today. I'm thinking something along the lines of... TTITS = Tremendous Tits. Just as classy, eh?

So Mature (...Or Not!)

It's that time once again. School is back in session, which means that all these people are back on the roads. Traffic really lightens up in the summer, and I am definitely not one to complain about it, but I totally hate the return of gridlock. I like to study traffic patterns, so I can efficiently use my travel time to work. I think I've learned all the in's and out's of my route and know exactly when to switch lanes to guarantee the quickest commute.

Today, I was going with the flow, when I look in the rear-view mirror and see this woman weaving in and out of traffic, trying to advance in front of everyone else. She obviously doesn't know how to work this system, because she wasn't getting all that far. Eventually, she pulled in right behind me and was riding my ass like none other. Knowing that as soon as I take off hauling, I'll have to slam on my breaks for some minor reason, so I choose to accelerate with ease. This was not acceptable behavior for her. She whipped her mom-mobile into the next lane, sped up to be parallel with me to give me the evil eye, throwing her hands up in the air as to say "WTF?"

I take that with a grain of salt, and continue about my merry little way. I get an incredible kick out of watching her try to maneuver her SUV in and out of traffic but still not getting anywhere. Finally, after benefitting from the natural flow of traffic, I catch up to her, give her a return stare and get in front of her, only to slow down. Boy was she pissed. I giggled. But what really made my day is that she didn't pay attention to the warning signs and she couldn't even exit where she wanted to, so she had to U-turn on the tollway and pay an additional fee, all the while heading in the complete opposite direction. Maybe she shouldn't be such a bitch driver and I would have let her over. Hee hee!

Oh and ma'am...your hair looks like shit!

What To Do?

Do I read my book? Not until I'm ready to nap.

Do I take a nap? Too early to nap.

Do I go for a run? Hot as schweaty balls outside.

Do I eat lunch? Not hungry yet.

Do I post a blog? What would I write about?

...well, I could write about this disgustingly large red mark that stretches down the length of my bicep from falling down the stairs Friday night. Usually I fall when I'm going up my stairs, not down them, but I guess there was a different plan for Friday. Yes, I was totally sober! But being a retarded klutz isn't all that interesting when it happens so frequently.

I could write about how I slowed down while driving past a house in Highland Park with 'junk' set out in the driveway for bulk-trash pickup. I wanted to see exactly what these rich people considered junk, and I realized I could have definitely used some of those hardly-used pots for my patio. Their trash could have been my treasure, but I didn't feel like stopping to dig. If I elaborated on that, it'd be boring - you all know I'm totally Jew...-ish and would have stolen that crap.

I could write about my very exciting interview with a suburban meth addict yesterday. After 5 minutes of being in the interview, she asked if there was a place she could get some water. I don't know if she was offended that I didn't have the courtesy to offer her a drink in her INTERVIEW, but I guess she was really needing a serious break after such an intense 5 minutes of How are you? Did you find us okay? I like your suit! It was fairly entertaining, but c'mon - the suburban meth addict mom is so 2002.  Nobody gets amused by that anymore.  

Hmm...nothing good comes to mind.  Here! I got it! Watch this...(she likes to gossip just like Aunt Laney!)

Productive

The boss is out of town for a few days on personal vacation, which would normally be a pretty slow days for me, but quite different, my friends. Turns out, I've actually been working. Please don't anyone die of shock! Normally, my desk is the most neatly organized thing ever, definitely too neat to actually get any work done. Today, I looked around me and realized a tornado has just come through. Holy crap, if this doesn't say work, I don't know what does...
I've definitely got to reorganize my piles of resumes, because I can't find anything! Oh, and along the back row of my desk...those are the newspaper sections of ads and coupons I need to sort through and clip. I've been too busy doing my actual job description, I've slacked on my personal work. I'm telling ya, hard work to be done! I'm running out of desk space. Maybe I need some sort of organizer to help me get back on track. I'm thinking something like this:
No, but for real, speaking of work...a few different friends go back to work today, starting another school year. Best wishes to all my teacher friends. Oh, the days of teaching. I do sometimes miss it...a lot. Anyone up for a little trip down memory lane?




Awww, I'll go back to teaching one day. ...ONE DAY...

Trapped!

You know those fly/bug traps you can hang on your patio to catch bugs. Not the zappers, but the ones with the sticky stuff on the outside? It smells good so it attracts the bugs and then they get stuck when they get close.

I'm a human bug trap. Sick I know, but I'm finally getting rid of the last bits of a sinus infection I had last week, but I still have a good amount of drainage. I was running last night, and whatever is draining down the back of my throat must have attracted a bug. Breathing through my mouth means inhaling a flying insect. So gross! But hey, it happens. Spitting didn't work, so when I got done running, I drank a ton of water to see if I could either flush it down or rinse it out, but nothing was doing the trick. Since then, I have eaten dinner, drank wine, brushed my teeth (x2,) drank tea, ate breakfast, and now just finished a HUGE bottle of water. The damn thing is still caught right there in my throat...probably it's last bit of life flapping a small wing.

Do you think the bug actually has to bite me to get West Nile or would one just have to swallow the thing whole to be infected with such a nasty disease?

I Have How Many?!?!

I have had an internal struggle with myself whether to post this or not, and I've sought out opinions from others and I've gotten mixed responses. My friends and I just laugh and laugh whenever the topic comes up, and I've dreamed of being able to capture the pure hilarity of the situation in words, but I've never been confident I could actually pull it off. Today I attempt it, but I must warn you that this post probably requires adult supervision and discretion. I'm not trying to be gross or crude, I'm just simply stating an occurrence, that happened to turn extremely funny.

Moms - Educate Your Daughters, Girls - Educate Your Friends
I always grew up a little bit shy, in terms of being comfortable with being a girl. Never really asked questions, never really looked into anything too much, just always tried to figure things out on my own. I mean, it took me years to figure out I wasn't actually supposed to sleep in my bra. Wow - what a freeing feeling it was when I finally discovered that.

Sometimes, even in adult conversations, I feel a little misguided, but I can pick up pretty easily if I use my brain enough. So last Fall, Tammi, Robyn, Kacy and I were sitting on the patio at Uncle Julio's for dinner. Typical girl talk then evolved into this very intriguing apparatus Kacy and I had found at Sarah's Secret. This thing squirted and the box included the catch phrase "When you need that final squirting sensation to be completely fulfilled!" I couldn't even imagine why anyone would want that, but whatever. So Kacy is then explaining this thing to the other girls, and compares its functions to that of douching. Please note that douche bag is probably one of the only words of that reference that I actually use. I mean, I think I had an idea of what it was used for, but never really asked, never really knew. The girls conversed about how doctors advised against it because it was unhealthy, or whatever. Again, I'm just trying to get things straight, so I pose the question: "Isn't it just to clean out the pee?"

CRICKETS!

They all look at me like I had just caught on fire or something, and were waiting for me to crack a smile at my own joke. There was no smile. There was no joke.

CRICKETS!

The table erupted in crazy laughter, to the point of the entire restaurant looking over. I, on the other hand, am looking from Kacy to Robyn to Tammi to Robyn to Kacy - freaking out in silence, trying to figure out what was going on. What the crap at they laughing at?

Okay, seriously - nobody told me that I had 3 holes, I was pretty content with the 2 I knew about. I guess I missed 5th grade anatomy class the day they said that the pee hole is separate from the birthing hole.

This soon brings tears to their eyes, they can't even catch their breath, and they just continue laughing hysterically me. Robyn can't control herself, she has to ask, "Lane, when you go to the doctor and have to pee in a cup, where do you hold it?"

CRICKETS! 3 sets of eyes intently focused on my face, clinging to every breath until the words come out of my mouth.

"Um, just down there somewhere. I usually make it!"

HYSTERICS! More tears.

*Thinking, thinking, thinking...then miraculous realization*

"So, that makes sense to me now. I always just thought that pee must be thinner than blood, so it would just flow right through the tampon, but the blood would catch."

CRICKETS!

MORE HYSTERICS! MORE TEARS! MORE PEOPLE LOOKING! The noise erupting from our table just gets louder after each new thing I say. They couldn't even believe that I was 23 years old, nearly 24, just then learning about my 3rd hole.

My friends are pretty funny and do like to play jokes, so there was a little part of me that really wondered if they were messing with me. I went home, looked in the mirror and HOLY SHIT, they were right. THREE HOLES!

I don't think I was even the least bit embarrassed by my lack of knowledge about my own body...I was waaaayyy too busy comprehending all this stuff I had just learned. I blamed my mom and sister for never telling me this, and they said they just assumed I knew since I never asked. Who knew? Did you know? I didn't know!

So I apologize if this post made anyone a little bit uncomfortable, but it's just human anatomy. I'm just a girl, with all the right girl parts...with more than I had previously thought, but with all the right parts nonetheless. Please let this be a public service announcement - don't let this happen to a girl you know. For Christ's sake, please just tell every young girl you see... in the grocery store, at the soccer fields, in the school hallway, at McDonald's, riding her bike down the street...inform her that she has 3 holes. Please!

Still Employed

BLING! The light bulb officially went off in this brain of mine. After nearly two years of thinking about it, I have finally realized the reason I have not yet been fired.

I once thought that he kept me around because I gave really good sale and coupon tips. Then, I thought it was because I have incredible knowledge of college football (especially for a girl!) Could it be that occasionally I will get him a burrito from the push-cart lady too? I sometimes think he is pretty entertained with the absolutely ridiculous frivolous stories about my friends.

But, what exactly is that stand-out quality about me that outweighs my naps, being late, leaving early, blogging, myspacing, shopping at lunch, wearing flip flops, etc.? Well friends, I'll tell you - he keeps me around because of my buttons. BUTTONS! So simple, but that has to be it. It was after he was looking at me with a mixed expression of embarrassment, excitement and disgust during our 15 minute daily morning meeting today, that I realized why I still have a job. I walk out of his office to realize that my white button-down shirt, was just that. Buttoned down, er...unbuttoned down. Yup, two of them had come undone and there was a very clear view of my cleavage, bra and all. And THAT, ladies, is how to keep your job!

A Gnome for My Home

All the local shops are out of everything ceramic for the yard. All I really want is a cute little gnome to put in my patio garden. I wonder why I can't find any decorative yard art anywhere? Can someone please help me? Do you think that one person might have purchased all the ceramic figurines in the whole entire world? Maybe I'll just have to head over to Michael's and pick up an abundant amount of silk flowers and plant those in my garden instead.

Will & Grace

So I have this friend...
Who happens to be a flaming, fluttering fairy named Gayden Hayden...
He loves me because I like to get into the crazies with him...And while Gayden Hayden appreciates most everything about me...he hates the fact that I trade Bev in for the Cervix. He said so himself: I'm still not ok with the new vehicle in your life. You just Ditched Bev. She gave you the best miles of her life.... took you down dirt roads....found us taco bell's at all hour of the night. Yea she may have lost that new car smell and your garage ceiling may have partially caved in on her... but she was still a sexy beast who deserved respect...and maybe leather conditioner on the seats, I'm just sayin.....

My friends try to defend my Cervix, but he verbally attacks them too: I am sorry, but you do not understand the severity & the large amount of hurt that has been caused by this proverbial "trade". Bev meant something to me, she meant something to all of us, ok? *black mascara tears streaming down* I loved that car. My 1st impression of Lane was made in that car...it was a balmy summer evening, I believe. I had just been introduced to Lane once or twice and hadn't really figured her out yet. Then She arrived to the house we were at in a brand new, shiny & fully loaded Acura TL. My dream car at the time. "you want to go for a ride around the block?" She asking, in a mocking tone of course. "yes...yes i would" I replied, holding back the tears. I rode in back as Lane drove this beautiful steel specimen. Then the Most Sexiest voice that has ever sounded entered my ears... it was "Bev". Lane had gone from just some girl that i just met to this high class girl on a pedestal that drove a luxury car that spoke. As time progressed It became obvious that Lane was actually NOT high class and pretty much the only trailer trash female i knew that didn't actually live in a trailer. "Bev" also found us taco bell one dark, drunk night. Can your car find Taco Bell, Kacy? CAN IT!? I love my car more than anything in this world dude, but talk about a huge let down when you need help finding a 3am taco w/ copious amounts of hot sauce. This "trade in" that Lane so hap-hazardly did behind my back was the end of a chapter...no, the end of an era for me. You need to BACK OFF and let me sulk, mourn, cry & throw things because I'm ANGRY. I didn't even get to say goodbye.....not even a final sniff of the leather. So let it be known that you will never see me inside of Lane's cervix. DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! I WILL NEVER BE INSIDE OF LANE'S CERVVVV.....wait, oh my gawd..... 

However, it doesn't long for him to retract his anger and bitterness towards me regarding the whole Bev Vs. Cervix issue - all I have to do is send him a friendly card...He also likes for me to send him prizes. For Christmas, he got a very 'festive' lollipop and for his birthday last week, I mailed him a literary masterpiece. He was so excited to pair the two together...I just have to say that I love this 'mo and all his crazy shenanigans more than anything. Well, almost more than anything.  Happy belated birthday friend!!!

Reverse, Reverse

OMG - My crazies are kicking in. I'm about to travel back in time to write about Mark and Maegan's wedding, and the first thing that came to mind was the Cha Cha Slide - Reverse, Reverse. I've been waiting on pictures before I posted this, and now that I have a couple, I can finally tell you that not only did Scott get married, so did Mark!M&M had originally planned on a winter wedding in Vail, CO, but then decided they wanted something smaller and local. Tentative plans for a Fall wedding in the Dallas Arboretum were in effect, until one problem...Fall = football season. That was a total no-go. Out of nowhere, in mid-June, we get an email from Mark saying the wedding date has been moved up. To July 5th! WHAT?!?!?! So random, but okay.

Turns out, this was one of the sweetest ceremonies I have ever been to. It was a reverse shot-gun wedding since Claire was already here. (Hmmm, maybe that's why reverse, reverse came into my mind....Oh sorry - there goes my ADD again.)

I honestly have to say that while I've been to a lot of big weddings and have thoroughly enjoyed myself at them, I cannot complain in the least bit the way both of my brothers have chosen to get married. I'm going to be a bit serious here, so forgive me. Watching the intimate exchanging of vows for both these extraordinary couples has given me so much to look forward to in a future relationship. I haven't ever seen anything so genuine and from the heart, other than my parents of course. It is no secret that the Stanga's are HUGE on family values, and having the honor to attend two weddings within 28 days of each other, that consisted only of family members - it was truly touching. I've said this before, and I'll say it again - it is so nice to watch my big rough-tough older brothers turn into such sensitive men with their ladies. *Tear!* Oh...and one of my favorite parts of Mark's wedding ... Scott cried. It was so cute. He said he was just so excited for both Mark and Maegan, and that it was neat because he got to watch his identical twin brother get married. Since when did my family turn into a bunch of softies? Aren't we supposed to be crude at all times? So here are the two *new* family portraits. (Of course without a few smiles and closed eyes, but whatever. I never said we weren't dysfunctional...) I am so proud to be a part of this great family. What a nuthouse we are!

Why I Moon My Chair

This morning did not start off so pleasant. I hardly slept last night due to a continuous scratchy throat and a terrible sinus headache. Needless to say, I woke up (well woke up isn't the right term, since I never really was asleep, so...) I got out of bed fairly pissy. The usual thought of what the crap to wear today taunted my nerves, until I had a moment of pure excitement.

My brown dress! How could I have forgotten about my brown dress? I seriously hadn't worn the thing in almost two years, but I heart it so much. Still not sure how I've overlooked the thing for two years, but I am determined to sport this little gem today. Immediately, I press over it with the iron (you know, the iron I volunteered to drink water from during my debauchery last weekend...) all the while thinking of what fabulous accessories I could pair with the dress.

Looking at the clock, I realize I'm running super late. Good thing I didn't take too much time searching for a suitable outfit, otherwise I'd be really super late. I throw the dress on and realize why I haven't worn it in two years. Last time I wore it, the seam of the back slit tore a little bit, and I wanted to have it fixed before I wore it again - to prevent further ripping. Oh well, I didn't have time to change clothes, so I safety pinned it secure and headed off to work.

In mid-squat as my butt quickly approached the seat of my chair, I see something flying across the room out of the corner of my eye. It was my safety pin. SHIT! So here I am, white-trash remedy gone down the crapper, and I'm deathly afraid that the seam is going to rip even further, all the way up my crack. Standing up and walking is fine, but sitting down adds a little extra tension on those poor, poor threads. Final solution ... shut my office door and lock it, hike the dress up over my ass and sit in my chair. There will be no more pulling on the strings for the rest of the day!

Top 10 List

Please look at this list of top 10 quotes, not in any particular order, and try to guess what went down...

1. I got this dress off a n*gga chicken. Go ahead, ruffle my feathers!

2. Sunshine, stand up - tuck your f*cking penis between your legs and make yourself a mangina

3. I need my trashcan for insurance. Call Tom Ranly @ State Farm, he knows my policy.

4. My hands hurt from grabbing the pole so much. I'm not going to be able to use my steering wheel tomorrow!
5. I used to hang out with so and so. You know, before I knew what white trash was and before I learned how to judge.
6. Robyn, chase down the bus and find my shoes. What? You're on the bus and you can't find my shoes? Nevermind - they're on my feet.

7. Bitch, you're not really hurt. Stand up and dance!

8. You can't find my bottled water? I just poured some in my iron - you can just bring me my iron. I'll drink from that.

9. Do you think people can see through the windows? Let's give them a show!
10. I'm here with my friend who really likes to dress up in drag, but I'm a woman. My husband doesn't know I'm here. Here's my number.
Oh and an extra for fun.

11. Yeah, I think I'm wearing panties. I don't know, let's make sure.

Well if you guessed Bachelorette Party/Lingerie Shower, you would be correct. Saturday night, we hosted a party for our friend Jess the Mess at my house.





Next, we hopped on a party bus and headed down to the Rose Room at S4. A good time was definitely awaiting our arrival.




Let's just say the night was on a quick downward spiral, as we consumed copious amounts of alcohol. I'd definitely say the night was an overall success with many memories and frivolous laughs.


CLICK HERE FOR THE REST OF THE PICTURES. THEY ARE VERY ENTERTAINING!!!

What Are You?

Can someone please answer this question for me? Do you really think these two phenomenal people are 35 year old fraternal twins still dressing alike? Or are they that disgustingly ghetto super sweet, madly-in-love couple? I can't figure it out...I mean they also had the same gold toof! Whatever the case - where can I get that outfit?

Congratulations Scott & Abby!!!

I was lucky enough to spend an entire week with my family, now even bigger than ever, as I watched my big brother get married to a wonderful woman. Spending a week in Hilton Head, SC was absolutely amazing and I really want to go back. What a charming little island it is. Returning to reality wasn't nearly as much fun and I think my brain is still soaking up the rays. Our accommodations were unbelievable, with a 3 story house on a private section of the beach. It even had an elevator!

We did a whole lot of nothing, including lounging by the pool, playing on the beach, shopping eating and drinking. We made a special trip to tear up some wave runners and also to a quaint little area, Harbour Town, on the Sea Pines Plantation. Most the time, however, was spent quite inebriated and hanging around slanging out best bullshit amongst the group. Molly and I did at least go for a run on the beach, as the cheesiest people ever ... and we loved it!






The wedding was simple and perfect for Scott & Abby. It was a beautiful, breezy beach day and it made the celebration so special.


The photographer had asked Scott and Abby to switch places during the ceremony because of the way the sunlight was reflecting in pictures. I guess it wasn't too formal of an event if the minister's speech was interrupted for a little restructuring. Only the bride and groom had to switch, so when it was time for Abby and Scott to exchange rings, the only person to take the bouquet was Mark. That is a true Stanga dysfunction right there!

Look how many new sisters I have!!!

Clearly, Daddy didn't get the message about cool, breezy beach attire. I love his tucked in shirt and golf shoes. He's so damn fancy!
After the ceremony, we headed over to the best restaurant on the island, AQUA, for a nice dinner. Scott's toast was so super sweet, and he brought us all to tears. He can be such a sap. "I just want to thank all of you for coming out to help us celebrate such a special occasion. Today is August 3rd, which is a familiar day to me. August 3, 2005, I shattered my elbow, forcing me to leave my job on the flight line. It is now August 3, 2008 and I am lucky enough to have just married my best friend. Within three years to the day, I went from having the worst thing that has ever happened to me to experiencing the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you Abby!"

I am so excited to officially have Abby in our family now, and am so happy for my brother for finding such a wonderful bride. We wish you two the best and we love you both!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE REST OF THE VACATION PICTURES!