Panties in a Wad

Two nights ago, Robyn and I finally settled down long enough to watch Juno. I had heard great things about the movie, and was uberly excited to see it. Final consensus - great movie.

Last night, I had to run out to Target for a few random items. Upon exiting the house, Robyn asks me if I can look for bathingsuit bottoms in a certain pattern. The bottom piece she already had has never really fit, but she bought it anyway. Girls! I happily ensured her that I'll be on the hunt for that exact same pattern.

And with her bathingsuit bottoms wadded up in a ball, in the pocket of my purse, I totally felt like Bleeker. Only Robyn's bottoms weren't panties, weren't cotton, and surely weren't decorated with cherries.

PS - No such luck with new bottoms. The pattern is extinct. But, I did enjoy a quick giggle this morning when I got to work, opened up my purse, and there lay Robyn's balled-up bottoms.

Asleep at the ...

Wheel? No, that's a country band. Or, a Dateline investigation special. Hmmm, then what fits me? Asleep at the... Asleep at the... Hmmm - Asleep at the...nothing. That's it, nothing! Because I was awake. Damn Insomnia.

For the last few weeks, I've had such a hard time sleeping and last night proved to be no different. Apparently, I've taken on the characteristics of a pregnant woman, because I keep getting up in the middle of the night to pee. WHAT? I've never done that, where is this coming from? (*NOT PREGNANT!*) I literally walk to the bathroom with my eyes closed, not bothering to turn on the light, sit and pee, all the while feeling my head plummeting fast towards my knees. With high hopes of staying sleepy, and for fear of waking myself up completely, I refrain from even flushing the toilet at that hour. Oh quit snickering, I'm saving the world with water conservation. Plus, gas is too dang expensive to be flushing all the time anyway. (Ok, probably no direct correlation, or heck, no correlation at all, but rising gas prices is my excuse for everything lately.)You'd think being that tired, I'd be able to fall right back asleep, right? Wrong.

I get back in bed, rolling around a few times to find my snuggly spot and wait to drift back off into the land of the great. Waiting...waiting...waiting...hoping...hoping...hoping...wishing... wishing...wishing ...praying...praying...praying...cickets. Hmm, what should I think about right now? Immediately 500 things pop into my head, but luckily I only made it to the first on the list before falling asleep...I think.

A few hours of restful slumber, and BAM! 3am. Guess who's awake and full of thought?

I need to take my nail polish off. One more day of chipped polish and I'll scream. I wonder what people think when they see this disgusting display of color. Dammit, I'm out of remover. There is some in Robyn's bathroom. Did Robyn come home last night? If she did, I wonder if Trey is here? Trey picked her up last night, so they're probably here, since she didn't have a car. I didn't hear the garage open, so her car must still be here. If she's not here, what time will he drop her off before he works in the morning? No, that takes too much effort, they must have stayed here last night. I wonder if Trey will leave before me in the morning, so I can go get it out of her room when I'm getting ready. Oh no, I hope I don't forget to take it off before leaving. Geez, I'd kick myself for not doing it when I had time last night if that happened. Maybe I should just check on that now while I'm thinking about it.

Don't say you didn't see this coming! Of course I crawled out of bed, opened my door and SUCCESS. Robyn's bedroom door is open, that mean's she's not home. And just like that, I was back to my boring, natural nail color. But it was totally worth it. Now that I had accomplished that task, at 3am, it was time to go back to sleep.

2.5 hours later, I'm once again awake with a new concern.

What the hell am I going to wear tomorrow? Can my weave go one more day without being restyled? Hmm, I got a new white shirt yesterday, I could wear that. With what pants? It will look great with those slacks. Damn, I wore them yesterday. Hmmm, what other pants could I wear? Yeah, those, but that is such a plain outfit. I could spice it up with the scarf - as a belt, as an actual scarf, or I could solve my hair issues and use it as a headband. I could wear those new gold and green earrings I got. Oh, but they don't match that pretty green cross necklace I love so much. I could ditch the earrings and save them for that new green shirt I got, and just wear the necklace. Hmmm, do I wear that necklace too much? Ehhh, F it - I think I'll go with the necklace, headband scarf, and plain stud earrings. That's it!

Get out of bed, piece it all together, make sure it's a match, and back to bed I go. Look at the clock, 5:50 am. Rolling, snuggling, waiting, hoping, wishing, praying, crickets ... SLEEP. At last!

*Oh when the Saints...Go marching in...Oh when the saints go marching in.*

SILENCE.

*Oh when the Saints...Go marching in...Oh when the saints go marching in.*

Is my alarm seriously going off already? I feel like I just fell asleep.

Derailed

Just another update with the fam-o-lee for all of you that could give two craps about me and just want to know about the other dipshits love reading about all my own shenanigans, but are equally interested in the other conductors of this so-called crazy train too.

Leslie, Les, Lester-B, Lester-B-Davis, Hoe, Mom

I've said it before, I'll say it again - this woman is nuts, but we love her! She's been bitchin' and moanin enduring severe pain in her knees and feet for quite some time, and after many visits to a variety of doctors, the conclusion has been drawn. She's got a bum knee, which means she will be the happy recipient of a *BRAND NEW ARTIFICIAL KNEE* Let's everyone take a moment and congratulate her on being such a big winner. She loves to win, but I think she'd be happy with winning that stock tank ONLY. Yeah, remember that story? Told you she was batty! So besides being all jacked up on some really good drugs, she does have some sincere concerns. She wonders how she's going to be able to take care of the zoo while she's in recovery, will she be recovered in time for wedding festivities on the beach, is she going to be strong enough to carry the baby around when it comes time for her to babysit, etc. All very legit concerns, but much like me, she's a worrier, so it has taken a toll on her health. Last Thursday night, she must have just really freaked herself out, because she thought she was having a heart attack. 2 am and the ambulance arrives at the house to wisk her away to the ER, with my dad following behind. After several tests, she was cleared of having a heart attack but they're not quite sure what exactly it was, but are leaning towards a panic/anxiety attack. Mind you, my very own mother is laying in the ER thinking she's dying, but nobody bothers to call us. I didn't know until the next day at 6:45pm, when Danette casually said something about it in passing. I was like "WHAT? MY MOM? HOSPITAL? WHAT? SAYS WHO? Hopefully things will start to slow down for our family soon. We've gotten so busy lately.


The sister just got back from a vacation to Hawaii. La La La La La Larry took her and she was celebrating the end of her first year of law school. Daddy is thinking about suggesting a 2 for 1 deal with my mom's surgeon. He'd like a 1/2 price cut on a new hip too. Other than that, he's fine - just being that same old Mike that we all love. Scott & Abby are eagerly awaiting their special time in Hilton Head and are residing with crackheads in McKinney. Not really, but the other day, Scott did catch his neighbor sneaking over with scissors to cut the beautiful flowers Abby just planted in her garden for her vase. Freakin weird, I tell ya. And me, well, I'm just me!

Till next time...

Reunion

Sunday night, I was fortunate enough to reunite with two of my favorite teacher friends. Cara, Christy and I all taught together at the same elementary school before Christy moved and I left that career. Any Friday afternoon during the school year, you could have found us at happy hour with a row of frosty bevs in front of us. I value these friendships so much and love when we get to spend some quality girl time together. They both left their baby boys at home so we could enjoy a tasty meal at PF Changs. 3 hours of catching up just isn't enough for us, so when we were almost literally kicked out fo the restaurant, we had to venture off to Flying Saucer.

(Oh yikes, the humidity did a number on my hair. Sweet! And where did that whispyness of bangs come from? Weird!)

Anyway, shortly after sitting down at our table, the empty table next to us was then occupied by three dudes. I noticed one of them looking over a few times, but didn't think much of it, until he waved and smiled at me. Oh well, again, didn't think much of it. Apparently, when I got up to use the restroom, he used that as an opportunity to scoot his chair over and inquire about me to Christy & Cara. I guess something about my name came up, but I'm not sure how. Anyway, I returned to my seat and noticed his license was sitting in front of my beer. Hmmm, that's odd - never had that happen, but then again, I'm getting used to really strange things happening to me. I pick up his license and immediately start laughing. The dude's name is Lane. How funny is that? Nice guy, we chatted with him and his friends for awhile and then rounded out the night wtih a game of darts at Cafe Gecko. We played teams, so of course we had Team Lane. It was really confusing, however, because everytime his friends would talk to him, I'd think they were talking to me. So weird. (Lane, if you're reading this blog - congrats for making a posting. That means you're an okay person.)

Rated X

So there was a crazy 'train wreck' in McKinney this weekend. One of my many to-do's was to attend Scott & Abby's "Honey-Do" couple shower. This was mostly for Scott, so he could aquire some fun manly tools, but Abby got her fair share of toys too.

Meet the sweet bride and groom to be.

Mind you, when our whole family gets together with certain friends, you can clearly smell disaster in the air.

Luckily, Abby's family has a small degree of the same humor we have, so they can play along fairly well.

Of course, as soon as the presents started being opened, the foul comments were set free. Scott first opened the gifts that I had brought, which were the shop-vac and leaf blower he had registered for. Our dear friend Christopher decided to let everyone know that those two items were the best things in marriage with his comment "Congrats Scott. Now you've got a sucker and a blower!" There was an uproar in laughter from the entire crowd, and it got even worse when Abby's dad said "Wait until you see that new wacker I bought you!" We thought he was kidding, but just trying to be funny, until sure enough, Scott unwraps a weed wacker. The box explained that this sweet thing has a "new extended curved shaft," which definitely didn't go unnoticed by any of us.

They registered at Lowes, which happens to suck at gift registries, so they received multiples of many of their gifts, including the hedge trimmers. They got two of those, so it was said that they could each have their own and they could trim their 'hedges' together. Of course, Scott turns to Abby with his trimmer in hand, and in his finest gangsta GQ imitation "YYYYoooooooo guurrrrrllll, can I trim yo bush?" Yes, this really happens at wedding events that we're invited to! Laugh or shake your head, whichever is fine with me!

Next, they received a hoe from my mom. It's a running joke in my family that my mom is the best hoe around, so she was giving her gift to Abby, who is in training. My mom said it was the perfect gift for her, since Abby is a big hoe, to which Abby responded "I only wish I can be as good of a hoe as you are!"

So, another multipled gift was the toolbox. They happened to get 3 of them, one of which was from my sister. She had left it in the car, but during the opening of the gifts, she asked our friend Keith to help her go out and get it. For reasons not needed to be explained, earlier that day at brunch, we had to explain to my dad what the donkeypunch was. He thinks this is the greatest term ever now, so in the middle of the crowd, as my sister and Keith are walking out to the car, my dad yells "Keith, you're taking my first born baby...be sure not to donkeypunch her while you're out there!" Yes, we lost it. THANK GOD the other middle-aged adults didn't seem to catch on, but all the younger ones did. What the hell is wrong with us?

By the time Scott & Abby had opened all their gifts, we then had a quick celebration for Molly, since it was her birthday that day as well. Abby made her a funny confetti cake with candles, so the whole group gathered around to sing her Happy Birthday, while she wore her special "Birthday Hat."

Once the song was over, it was time for her to make her wish and blow out her candles. My dad didn't fail to warn her to not spit when she blew though. Of course, the crude comments never cease. Finally, the night came to an end, but we got awesome parting gifts. Each attendee was rewarded with a Lowe's tool apron filled with goodies, including candy, mini screwdrivers, pliers, a level, and other fun stuff!

Love Thy Neighbor

Isn't that a commandment or something Christian like that? Imagine you and your family have settled into a nice, quaint neighborhood in small Texas town. Sure, the neighborhood was probably built about 30 or 40 years ago, but you've got a nice house with a good size yard, and you and your neighbors get up every Sunday morning to go eat at the same hole-in-the-wall joint.

An All-American neighborhood, until someone buys the house across the street and you get this. Welcome to the Budhist Temple!





How pissed off would you be? I would be absolutely livid if this was my neighbor.

Ancient!

Happy 32nd Birthday Sister!

Thursday = A Day For Idiots

It's 9:53 am and I've already had the smartest people alive contact me today.

1. An attorney wrote to me asking about any opportunities in the bankruptsy practice area. Yes, that's bankruptSy.

2. A seasoned legal secretary emailed me asking about a listing of positions available for Executive Assistance. Not assistants, but assistance.

3. I just reviewed a resume and referenses. ReferenSes.

Oh well, who am I to laugh...I'm the idiot who wore white linen pants on the only day it rained this week!

No, You Can't Roll Me In Sauce!

Last night I'm sitting at the bar at Two Rows waiting for my friend to get off work. I'm enjoying a real tasty pizza and a frosty brew all by my lonesome, but c'mon - we all know I can hang by myself and totally be fine with it. Plus, there was NBA playoffs on, I was occupied.

Wait, maybe I should preface this story with how amazing I looked last night. My 'lounge around' jeans, an I HEART NOLA tshirt, an army green hoodie and my camo flops. Oh geez, and the Medusa weave on my head.

So I'm enjoying my food and my own company, when I get a tap on the shoulder from a dude that was standing across the bar. I'm going with he was in his mid-late 30's and of some Hispanic decent. (Bingo, I was right on when he told me he was from San Antonio...)

Dude: "Excuse me. I just have one question and one comment. First, my question is, what is a Nola?"

Me: "Oh, it stands for New Orleans, Louisiana. N.O.L.A."

Dude: "Oh I see. I thought maybe it was somewhere in Sweden or some European country. Now my comment is...you have an amazing head of hair. I know you didn't do anything to it, those curls are all natural, but I really notice women with fine hair. What are you doing here tonight? Business or pleasure?"

Me: "I'm here for dinner."

Dude: "No for real, are you here visiting for fun or are you working here?"

Me: "No, I'm here for dinner. I live down the street."

Dude: "Oh, so you're not really from Europe? Ohhhhh okay, well I come here a lot, how come I've never seen you here?"

Me: "Probably because I dodge people like you. I don't know. I'm usually with a big group when I come.

Dude: "What's your name?"

Me: "Lane."

Dude: "Leigh? That's a pretty name."

Me: "Thank you."

Dude: "I'm ...... (I forgot his name.) Ok, well I just wanted to come say hello. I'll find you later.

Me: "Please dont! Ok.

So I go back to eating my food and giggling to myself, and even told the bartender about that little encounter. About 20 minutes later, he's back.

Dude: "Okay, well I'm about to leave. It was very nice to meet you. I"ll be sure to look for you next time."

Me: "Okay, have a good night."

Dude: "You too. Good night my *little Swedish meatball* "

Of course, as soon as I tell Hayden this story, he has to get right to photoshop and create me a prize. Look closely.

Why I Don't Belong Here

To you, Mr. just got out of the shower, partial balding/partial slicked back hair, blazer wearing Starbucks addict. I see you doing an awkward and obviously very unnatural neckcrank to reach around to glimpse at me everytime I get out of my car at work. Whether you're inside or outside on the patio, you sit and wait to get your 5 second hard-on as I walk from my car into my building. I'm sick of being the victim of your disgusting death-stare with that shit-eating grin on your face.

1. Get a freaking job. Who sits at Starbucks every single morning with the same group of guys? What do you talk about? How to you make money to sit at Starbucks every single day for hours upon hours?
2. News flash - you're my dads age. Not my style. Sidenote - my dad is totally cool. You're not.
3. You've got a wedding band on. Stare at your wife. If she's too ugly, porn is free all over the internet, dude.
4. I cringed when I noticed that you went to the same church as me. I almost bailed out of communion completely when I saw you sitting in the pew at mass on Christmas Eve. By the way, your son, who looks to be about my age too, appears to be the biggest tool I have ever seen with that '30,000 thousand dollar millionaire' Sinner and Saint shirt with added rhinestones he sported to church.


To you, L-Legs who prances around in your 5-sizes too short skirt and your hooker shoes that clearly scream "Just point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags. Cha-ching!"

1. One time you said that you chose your 2-door 3 series convertable because it offered the most leg room for your lengthy limbs. Yup, I've done my research and the roomiest car on the market is DEFINITELY the 3-series BMW coupe.
2. Your license plate says LLEGS, for long legs, because you have a 37'' end seam or something Amazonly-freakish like that.
3. Valet knows you who you are, you don't have to scream into the phone, "Silver BMW convertable, license plate L.Legs."
4. Spend less money on your accessories and use the savings to fix your grill.
5. It wasn't raining this morning. Not a drop. Why the umbrella? Sorry, you can't be sheltered from humidity darlin'.
6. Blue-tooth while on the toilet. Because you're hands-free on the cellular, doesn't mean you have an electronic wiping device. Wash your hands.


To you, Mr. no-talent sports-talk-show wanna-be, assclown. You too have found your local hangout to be the HP Starbucks. But not just every single morning, but I see you've come back at lunch and again at the end of the day. I know because I see either your Jeep or your really cool bright yellow lambo sitting in front.

1. Your health & fitness show on the Ticket is broadcasted at a time when nobody is listening.
2. Your shoulders look like they swallowed your head.
3. Starbucks is not the healthiest way of living your life.
4. "I really like your red shoes!" Was that the best you can do? Slapdick.
5. Fellow Ticket employees and talk show hosts put you at the butt (no pun intended) of all their jokes.


Sometimes when you see the same things over and over and over and you hear the same things over and over and over, you might just blow a fuse too. When did I become engulfed in such a disgusting, entitled and egotistical society?

Maximum Capacity

This can only truly be appreciated by those that are extremely familiar with my mom's sick sick crazy obsession unconditional love for animals.

Needless to say, my mom has no life my mom's life is completely ruled by the animals at home. She doesn't even really like all of them, but she has a calling to keep them healthy. She claims that nobody else will provide a home as well as she will, and that is no lie. I'm not quite sure how many other dogs live the lifestyle they do. They have thir own bedroom with their own furinture and tv, just so they can relax after their hard days. Wait, the dogs have one room, the cats have another. Yes, two rooms for animals!

I've discussed this before, but Marley is the black lab/mastiff mix who ranges between 105 - 112 lbs, you know ... a real lap dog. Then we've got Ernie, the retarded 'put-together-with-spare-parts' pit bull / border collie mix that was found on the streets of Oak Cliff. He's an OG. Daisy is part black lab, part turkey (I'm just guessing by looking at that neck...) that was pawned off on my brother in Tulsa, but has since moved to Dallas. Then, of course, there is Indy, originally N.D. for New Dog because she wasn't supposed to stay long enough to earn a real name. Indy and her puppies were rescued from under a trailer in Carl's Corner. Luckily we didn't keep the puppies. She's some sort of blue heeler mix or something like that? I don't know, I just know she stinks to high hell and is incredibly annoying.

Overwhelmed with household pets yet? I'm just getting started. Mom has also collected three, count 'em ...one-two-three, 20-pound cats that nobody likes (including her most of the time.) If you don't believe we really don't care for them, then let me just tell you we don't even call them by names. Grey kitty, black kitty, soforth... My dad secretly tries to rub them in bacon grease and leave them outside at night for the coyotes...he keeps getting caught (joking) but he did try to run over one once, but the damn thing lived. They never die - no shit about 9 lives. Another one has a bullet next to his heart, but that didn't work, another one tried to commit suicide when it bit through the Christmas lights, but dammit, that cat lived too!

Why do we have pets we don't really like you ask? Well people from all around the neighborhood know that if ever in need of an animal sanctuary, they can just drop off the strays at our house, because Lord knows Leslie will take them. I think my mom has her attorney on speed-dial because my dad keeps threatening to leave if one more animal enters those doors.

Clearly, my dad is not fond of the co-habitant situation with the freaking zoo at my parents house, so when someone calls my mom to say they need a home for an animal, he goes apeshit. Sunday night, the Regenscheid's (my parents very good friends and Robyn's parents) were in their backyard watching the Stars game when all of a sudden a black lab puppy just shows up in their yard. He couldn't have gotten in the fence, so someone must have dumped him off there and ran away. First thing Roseanne does is call my mom, and by midnight that night, my parents were sleeping with a new puppy. This is the email my dad sends to the Regenscheids:

Dear Friends:

I very much appreciate your thoughtfulness in sending us a new black lab. He is soooooooo cute and he compliments the other four black dogs we already have. Now, we have XXL, XL, L, M and XS black lab collection. Since we’re missing a size “Small” from the updated lineup, please keep us in mind in case another black dog shows up at your house. We’re going to name the cute little fella “R”egurgetate in harmony with the “R” theme of the “R”egensheid nomenclature and also the tannish color of his throw up --- very close to the color of our carpets. Imagine that!

Ooooops….phone’s ringing…let me grab it……..

“Hello. Oh it’s you, Leslie. I didn’t recognize the phone number on caller ID. You say the new black puppy stepped on the automatic door locks in your car and he’s locked in there with your keys, purse and cell phone, huh? Isn’ that cuuuuute? I’ll just call AAA to come unlock your car. You say you forgot to pay the AAA annual renewal? Well maybe you can trade the locksmith a little black lab puppy for coming out and opening your car. Tell him you doubt that this cute little fella would grow to be much over a hundred pounds – if that.”


OK “R” friends, I’m back. It was Leslie on the phone.

True story people, so the new 5th black dog my mom has acquired has already cost her vet bills and a fee for a locksmith to come rescue it out of her car. All within the first 18 hours. So my dad, being on his best behavior and biting his lip because he loves my mom so very much, then receives a call and loses it.

"Hello, this is Wells Brothers Feed Store. We're calling to let Leslie know that her named was picked in the drawning giveaway she entered."

Daddy is now thinking WTF did she possibly register to win, and when they told him she had won a stock tank, he began to wonder if there were other animals to soon be moving into our backyard that he didn't know about. Why my mother would register to win a stock tank is beyond me, and when she did win, why she didn't tell them she didn't need it is also beyond me. We don't really have farm animals, just dogs that resemble farm animals...and as far as the 100 ducks and geese that we feed go, they have their own pond they live in. What the hell is she doing with a damn stock tank? This woman is fucking outside her mind definitely one of a kind.

Sidenote - this past weekend was JazzFest in New Orleans. My parents had gotten 2 free 3-day passes to the festival which included backstage passes with Jimmy Buffett. Unfortunately, they were unable to attend due to prior engagements. Yup, this weekend was K-9 Kerplunk! at the local rec center. How was my mom supposed to go on vacation when the dogs had free-access to a public pool?

Say I'm A Bird

One of my favorite movies is The Notebook, but the reincarnation part/being a bird in a past life always weirded me out.

Apparently being a bird in your former life isn't just for the movies, people really do believe in this. So in reference to the blog about Paul aka Stick Boy, another friend of ours, Nicole, had left this message on Kacy's page.

Ok...so I have to tell you something. I am very familiar with this alleged "Stick Boy." It seems this gentleman is a regular at quite a few places around the Addison area.

The other day I was enjoying a few coctails at the local Gloria's with a few co-workers. I left my seat at the bar to go to the ladies room and upon my return was a man sitting to my right. This man had quite the original scent of umm..... B.O.!! Not cucumbers at all. This man a little musty fo sho decided that he would just do the uncomfortable stare. The kind where your head is completely turned and you can feel someone looking at you.

So to break the silence, I turned to say hello. It was followed up with "hello my lady" in somewhat of an irish/british/gladiator-like accent. I asked politely.."How are you" and got an unlikely response of "I'm good, I'm just reminiscing." I then replied.."Reminiscing huh..about what?" "We are all reincarnated from birds" said stickboy. Trying not to laugh, I was pretty interested in what the guy had to say next at this point. So next ? of course was...what kind of bird were you? --Terradactyl (And..yes I did google that to make sure I spelled that properly)

We took the conversation a bit futher but...for the most part that was the most interesting portion. In speaking with Robyn, she described this "Stickboy" and it sounded too much like the irish/british/gladiator-like man I encountered the same day. So I checked out your blog and it seems we met the same guy!!!!! Wearing the same outfit, backpack but he may have found some cucumber-melon body splash along his way and picked up some sticks. Small world.

I wish I could have called you and told you all of this because it would have been a lot funnier and I wouldn't have had to type a novel.

-Nicole

I am so excited to see where else this strange creature might pop up!

Happy Birthday Maegan!!!

Wishing a wonderful day to a wonderful lady! Hope you enjoy this last birthday before you officially become a mommy!  

PS - I wish you were a mommy already!  I can't stand the wait!