Maximum Capacity

This can only truly be appreciated by those that are extremely familiar with my mom's sick sick crazy obsession unconditional love for animals.

Needless to say, my mom has no life my mom's life is completely ruled by the animals at home. She doesn't even really like all of them, but she has a calling to keep them healthy. She claims that nobody else will provide a home as well as she will, and that is no lie. I'm not quite sure how many other dogs live the lifestyle they do. They have thir own bedroom with their own furinture and tv, just so they can relax after their hard days. Wait, the dogs have one room, the cats have another. Yes, two rooms for animals!

I've discussed this before, but Marley is the black lab/mastiff mix who ranges between 105 - 112 lbs, you know ... a real lap dog. Then we've got Ernie, the retarded 'put-together-with-spare-parts' pit bull / border collie mix that was found on the streets of Oak Cliff. He's an OG. Daisy is part black lab, part turkey (I'm just guessing by looking at that neck...) that was pawned off on my brother in Tulsa, but has since moved to Dallas. Then, of course, there is Indy, originally N.D. for New Dog because she wasn't supposed to stay long enough to earn a real name. Indy and her puppies were rescued from under a trailer in Carl's Corner. Luckily we didn't keep the puppies. She's some sort of blue heeler mix or something like that? I don't know, I just know she stinks to high hell and is incredibly annoying.

Overwhelmed with household pets yet? I'm just getting started. Mom has also collected three, count 'em ...one-two-three, 20-pound cats that nobody likes (including her most of the time.) If you don't believe we really don't care for them, then let me just tell you we don't even call them by names. Grey kitty, black kitty, soforth... My dad secretly tries to rub them in bacon grease and leave them outside at night for the coyotes...he keeps getting caught (joking) but he did try to run over one once, but the damn thing lived. They never die - no shit about 9 lives. Another one has a bullet next to his heart, but that didn't work, another one tried to commit suicide when it bit through the Christmas lights, but dammit, that cat lived too!

Why do we have pets we don't really like you ask? Well people from all around the neighborhood know that if ever in need of an animal sanctuary, they can just drop off the strays at our house, because Lord knows Leslie will take them. I think my mom has her attorney on speed-dial because my dad keeps threatening to leave if one more animal enters those doors.

Clearly, my dad is not fond of the co-habitant situation with the freaking zoo at my parents house, so when someone calls my mom to say they need a home for an animal, he goes apeshit. Sunday night, the Regenscheid's (my parents very good friends and Robyn's parents) were in their backyard watching the Stars game when all of a sudden a black lab puppy just shows up in their yard. He couldn't have gotten in the fence, so someone must have dumped him off there and ran away. First thing Roseanne does is call my mom, and by midnight that night, my parents were sleeping with a new puppy. This is the email my dad sends to the Regenscheids:

Dear Friends:

I very much appreciate your thoughtfulness in sending us a new black lab. He is soooooooo cute and he compliments the other four black dogs we already have. Now, we have XXL, XL, L, M and XS black lab collection. Since we’re missing a size “Small” from the updated lineup, please keep us in mind in case another black dog shows up at your house. We’re going to name the cute little fella “R”egurgetate in harmony with the “R” theme of the “R”egensheid nomenclature and also the tannish color of his throw up --- very close to the color of our carpets. Imagine that!

Ooooops….phone’s ringing…let me grab it……..

“Hello. Oh it’s you, Leslie. I didn’t recognize the phone number on caller ID. You say the new black puppy stepped on the automatic door locks in your car and he’s locked in there with your keys, purse and cell phone, huh? Isn’ that cuuuuute? I’ll just call AAA to come unlock your car. You say you forgot to pay the AAA annual renewal? Well maybe you can trade the locksmith a little black lab puppy for coming out and opening your car. Tell him you doubt that this cute little fella would grow to be much over a hundred pounds – if that.”


OK “R” friends, I’m back. It was Leslie on the phone.

True story people, so the new 5th black dog my mom has acquired has already cost her vet bills and a fee for a locksmith to come rescue it out of her car. All within the first 18 hours. So my dad, being on his best behavior and biting his lip because he loves my mom so very much, then receives a call and loses it.

"Hello, this is Wells Brothers Feed Store. We're calling to let Leslie know that her named was picked in the drawning giveaway she entered."

Daddy is now thinking WTF did she possibly register to win, and when they told him she had won a stock tank, he began to wonder if there were other animals to soon be moving into our backyard that he didn't know about. Why my mother would register to win a stock tank is beyond me, and when she did win, why she didn't tell them she didn't need it is also beyond me. We don't really have farm animals, just dogs that resemble farm animals...and as far as the 100 ducks and geese that we feed go, they have their own pond they live in. What the hell is she doing with a damn stock tank? This woman is fucking outside her mind definitely one of a kind.

Sidenote - this past weekend was JazzFest in New Orleans. My parents had gotten 2 free 3-day passes to the festival which included backstage passes with Jimmy Buffett. Unfortunately, they were unable to attend due to prior engagements. Yup, this weekend was K-9 Kerplunk! at the local rec center. How was my mom supposed to go on vacation when the dogs had free-access to a public pool?