I Got Brains. I Got Big ‘Ole Brains. I Got Dinosaur Brains.

I have stellar judgment.

Really, I do.

So when the doc said my bones are starting to look like those of an 80 year old woman, I thought to myself: Wow. I really need to do something to prevent any further damage, if that's possible.

So what do I do... ???

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Two weeks after my diagnosis, I proceeded to run a quick 13.1 miles in New Orleans with my sister. The Rock & Roll Mardi Gras Marathon Series was too.much.fun with all the bands set up each mile, helping you keep in your groove.

However, have you ever been to New Orleans? Definitely NOT the best roads to run on. If the impact of a normal run on my knees wasn’t painful enough, each step I took was a sudden drop into an uneven crack, pothole or pile of rocks. Ouch!

Ok, ok – that’s it. I swear I’m done running. Biking it is…

Tap the breaks. I lied. I’m not done running, I still have another half to complete. Two weeks after the Nola Rock & Roll, it was time for the Rock & Roll Dallas race, which was advertised as ‘fast, flat and fun.”

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Um… I have never heard more nonsense in my life. The first 8 miles were uphill.

That’s right, I said 8.

Eight.

Did you get that? E.I.G.H.T.

Incline.

8.

Uphill.

Oh dear Jesus, did you NOT just hear what the doctor told me?

…and you call this taking it easy?

I’ll show you taking it easy… it involves a couch, my sweats, a football game and a cold beer. {When you start seeing me develop a beer gut that hangs out the bottom of my Cheeto-stained shirt, just remember, I’m just following doc’s instructions."}

Finally, both halves I had already registered for were completed and I earned my 26.2 Musical Miles medal from the Rock & Roll Marathon Series. I’m real proud because that’s the only 26.2 mile medal I’ll ever have, split into two races, but nobody needs to know that. So when someone comes in my office and asks if I ran a full marathon, you really shouldn’t be surprised if I let them think that.

Anyhoo, I’m done running.

Done.

D.O.N.E.

Well….you know until I was summoned to do the Mud Run on the Trinity River Levee. 9 miles and 20+ obstacles of pure hell bliss. Ahhh….

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It was probably a good 15 extra elle.bees added to my weight with all my water-logged and mud-crusted fatigues. Key word. Fatigue.

Okay guys, seriously … I’m done running. That worked my body out in places I didn’t even know I had muscles. I was also cleaning mud out of body parts I’m not quite sure I knew existed before then. Delicious.

What’s that you say? Warrior Dash? Totally forgot I signed up for that back in November. Well, I guess it’s paid for, so I’m in.

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And with that my friends…I’m done with races. Well, until I get talked into another one. I just can’t seem to stay away.

So much for preserving my knees.

And about that Viagra ... pretty sure I don’t need any assistance with morning stiffness.

Or even 12 hour stiffness for that matter.

{In regards to the title, please reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ets0xkUk17Y}

Caution: Construction Zone

Woah, where did all my images go? I mean, I know it's all completely outdated and I need to revamp the 'ole blog anyhow, but so many of my graphics are missing. Cool. Real cool.

I'll get to work on the fix soon enough (you know, like I keep promising I'm going to get back to my old blogging self.) Until then, please pardon the ugly blank boxes.

Boo.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

I often joke about how I really am a man trapped in a woman's body. Not like one of those unfortunate kids that is confused with his/her identity and dress like the opposite sex (and I truly find that really sad,) but more of like a girl who just has similar traits to that of dudes.

The majority of the time, my give-a-damn is either broken or downright non-existent and I just don't care about many things typical girls obsess over.

Reality TV? Lame.

Gossip/Celeb magazines? Ehhh...

Diet fads? Give me a break!

Skinny Girl Margaritas? Gross.

Kiss FM? Yikes!

I wake up 30 minutes before I have to leave for work. I think dirty humor is hilarious. I have a hard time watching my language, much to my mother's dismay. I absolutely love sports, watching more than playing, because let's face it, most men are too damn lazy to actually play (like myself.) I appreciate a really cold beer. I love the taste of Scotch. I have started drinking my liquor with water, which I tell myself is to minimize the hangover.

I'm sure there is a laundry-list of other reasons why I'm a guy's girl, but the one I was given today takes the cake.

Not a slice.

The whole cake.

Triple tiered cake.

With raspberry filling.

And double frosting.

{...and suddenly I want cake.}

Today I had a check-up appointment with my Rheumatologist.

{Wait, reverse. In all the time I spent not blogging, I developed an awesome little condition known as Osteoarthritis. At the ripe young age of 25. Suh-weet! So my knees hurt, my finger knuckles are turning knobby and it's all downhill from here.}

With this little diagnosis, came another one known as Raynaud's disease. Due to Raynaud's, my hands turn ghostly white (seriously, Google Image Raynaud's and look at the freakshow that is my disease) my feet turn purple and my extremities tingle and hurt until they go numb for an hour or so.

{When's the circus coming to town? I could use some extra cash.}

So, when I went to rehash the condition with the doc today, he wanted to talk to me about a clinical study that seems to be effective for Raynaud's. Dr. F has a very serious/dry sense of humor but is always giving me a hard time, nonetheless. I usually have to use context clues and wait a minute to see if he's feeding me bullshit or not. Today was no different. He starts like this:

"Well, we are starting a clinical study for a new Raynaud's treatment and since you have such a chronic onset, I feel that you would be an excellent candidate for this research. The drug is very safe, has been around for quite sometime, but just hasn't been used for this specific cause yet. The side effects are minimal. You have probably heard of it... Viagra."

This man is hilarious. So I cut him off.

"I would absolutely LOVE to take Viagra. Like a pink fluffy heart with lace and sequins kind of love. I know all about the side effects. I've seen the commercials: If I experience an erection for more than 12 hours, I should contact my physician."

{Crickets.}

"OMG! You're serious?"

"Well, obviously we know that Viagra stimulates blood flow to 'certain' areas and so far it's been proven to also help circulate blood through the hands and feet as well. We can discuss the perimeters in more detail in my office...."

Upon telling my dad this, after he was able to catch his breath and stop laughing, in typical Mike Stanga humor, he gives me the upside:

"Well, at least this will probably straighten out your toes too."

That my friends, is really the reason I am so much like a dude.

What kind of erection do you think I'll have?