Dude Looks Like A Lady

I often joke about how I really am a man trapped in a woman's body. Not like one of those unfortunate kids that is confused with his/her identity and dress like the opposite sex (and I truly find that really sad,) but more of like a girl who just has similar traits to that of dudes.

The majority of the time, my give-a-damn is either broken or downright non-existent and I just don't care about many things typical girls obsess over.

Reality TV? Lame.

Gossip/Celeb magazines? Ehhh...

Diet fads? Give me a break!

Skinny Girl Margaritas? Gross.

Kiss FM? Yikes!

I wake up 30 minutes before I have to leave for work. I think dirty humor is hilarious. I have a hard time watching my language, much to my mother's dismay. I absolutely love sports, watching more than playing, because let's face it, most men are too damn lazy to actually play (like myself.) I appreciate a really cold beer. I love the taste of Scotch. I have started drinking my liquor with water, which I tell myself is to minimize the hangover.

I'm sure there is a laundry-list of other reasons why I'm a guy's girl, but the one I was given today takes the cake.

Not a slice.

The whole cake.

Triple tiered cake.

With raspberry filling.

And double frosting.

{...and suddenly I want cake.}

Today I had a check-up appointment with my Rheumatologist.

{Wait, reverse. In all the time I spent not blogging, I developed an awesome little condition known as Osteoarthritis. At the ripe young age of 25. Suh-weet! So my knees hurt, my finger knuckles are turning knobby and it's all downhill from here.}

With this little diagnosis, came another one known as Raynaud's disease. Due to Raynaud's, my hands turn ghostly white (seriously, Google Image Raynaud's and look at the freakshow that is my disease) my feet turn purple and my extremities tingle and hurt until they go numb for an hour or so.

{When's the circus coming to town? I could use some extra cash.}

So, when I went to rehash the condition with the doc today, he wanted to talk to me about a clinical study that seems to be effective for Raynaud's. Dr. F has a very serious/dry sense of humor but is always giving me a hard time, nonetheless. I usually have to use context clues and wait a minute to see if he's feeding me bullshit or not. Today was no different. He starts like this:

"Well, we are starting a clinical study for a new Raynaud's treatment and since you have such a chronic onset, I feel that you would be an excellent candidate for this research. The drug is very safe, has been around for quite sometime, but just hasn't been used for this specific cause yet. The side effects are minimal. You have probably heard of it... Viagra."

This man is hilarious. So I cut him off.

"I would absolutely LOVE to take Viagra. Like a pink fluffy heart with lace and sequins kind of love. I know all about the side effects. I've seen the commercials: If I experience an erection for more than 12 hours, I should contact my physician."

{Crickets.}

"OMG! You're serious?"

"Well, obviously we know that Viagra stimulates blood flow to 'certain' areas and so far it's been proven to also help circulate blood through the hands and feet as well. We can discuss the perimeters in more detail in my office...."

Upon telling my dad this, after he was able to catch his breath and stop laughing, in typical Mike Stanga humor, he gives me the upside:

"Well, at least this will probably straighten out your toes too."

That my friends, is really the reason I am so much like a dude.

What kind of erection do you think I'll have?