I Have How Many?!?!

I have had an internal struggle with myself whether to post this or not, and I've sought out opinions from others and I've gotten mixed responses. My friends and I just laugh and laugh whenever the topic comes up, and I've dreamed of being able to capture the pure hilarity of the situation in words, but I've never been confident I could actually pull it off. Today I attempt it, but I must warn you that this post probably requires adult supervision and discretion. I'm not trying to be gross or crude, I'm just simply stating an occurrence, that happened to turn extremely funny.

Moms - Educate Your Daughters, Girls - Educate Your Friends
I always grew up a little bit shy, in terms of being comfortable with being a girl. Never really asked questions, never really looked into anything too much, just always tried to figure things out on my own. I mean, it took me years to figure out I wasn't actually supposed to sleep in my bra. Wow - what a freeing feeling it was when I finally discovered that.

Sometimes, even in adult conversations, I feel a little misguided, but I can pick up pretty easily if I use my brain enough. So last Fall, Tammi, Robyn, Kacy and I were sitting on the patio at Uncle Julio's for dinner. Typical girl talk then evolved into this very intriguing apparatus Kacy and I had found at Sarah's Secret. This thing squirted and the box included the catch phrase "When you need that final squirting sensation to be completely fulfilled!" I couldn't even imagine why anyone would want that, but whatever. So Kacy is then explaining this thing to the other girls, and compares its functions to that of douching. Please note that douche bag is probably one of the only words of that reference that I actually use. I mean, I think I had an idea of what it was used for, but never really asked, never really knew. The girls conversed about how doctors advised against it because it was unhealthy, or whatever. Again, I'm just trying to get things straight, so I pose the question: "Isn't it just to clean out the pee?"

CRICKETS!

They all look at me like I had just caught on fire or something, and were waiting for me to crack a smile at my own joke. There was no smile. There was no joke.

CRICKETS!

The table erupted in crazy laughter, to the point of the entire restaurant looking over. I, on the other hand, am looking from Kacy to Robyn to Tammi to Robyn to Kacy - freaking out in silence, trying to figure out what was going on. What the crap at they laughing at?

Okay, seriously - nobody told me that I had 3 holes, I was pretty content with the 2 I knew about. I guess I missed 5th grade anatomy class the day they said that the pee hole is separate from the birthing hole.

This soon brings tears to their eyes, they can't even catch their breath, and they just continue laughing hysterically me. Robyn can't control herself, she has to ask, "Lane, when you go to the doctor and have to pee in a cup, where do you hold it?"

CRICKETS! 3 sets of eyes intently focused on my face, clinging to every breath until the words come out of my mouth.

"Um, just down there somewhere. I usually make it!"

HYSTERICS! More tears.

*Thinking, thinking, thinking...then miraculous realization*

"So, that makes sense to me now. I always just thought that pee must be thinner than blood, so it would just flow right through the tampon, but the blood would catch."

CRICKETS!

MORE HYSTERICS! MORE TEARS! MORE PEOPLE LOOKING! The noise erupting from our table just gets louder after each new thing I say. They couldn't even believe that I was 23 years old, nearly 24, just then learning about my 3rd hole.

My friends are pretty funny and do like to play jokes, so there was a little part of me that really wondered if they were messing with me. I went home, looked in the mirror and HOLY SHIT, they were right. THREE HOLES!

I don't think I was even the least bit embarrassed by my lack of knowledge about my own body...I was waaaayyy too busy comprehending all this stuff I had just learned. I blamed my mom and sister for never telling me this, and they said they just assumed I knew since I never asked. Who knew? Did you know? I didn't know!

So I apologize if this post made anyone a little bit uncomfortable, but it's just human anatomy. I'm just a girl, with all the right girl parts...with more than I had previously thought, but with all the right parts nonetheless. Please let this be a public service announcement - don't let this happen to a girl you know. For Christ's sake, please just tell every young girl you see... in the grocery store, at the soccer fields, in the school hallway, at McDonald's, riding her bike down the street...inform her that she has 3 holes. Please!