Thinkin' Outside the Bun!

As I was headed to lunch today, I debated where I would eat - much like I do every.single.day. Deciding against the burger, or thinking outside the bun, I was headed towards TacoBell. Quick glance into the shopping center right before the TB and I notice an alterations shop.

{Thinking... You know, I actually have my pants with me. Score!!! }

Now, let me explain how my lunchtime adventures, all the while trying to avoid the bun, were ironically filled with nothing but (no pun intended) the bun{s}.

---So taking things a few weekends back, I went shopping with Danette, Jen and Amber - all of whom encouraged me to keep pulling out my plastic and giving it a little swipe-a-roo through the register. They definitely talked me into these kickass white pants. Yes, I said white pants. And no, phenomenally, they don't make my ass look incredibly huge. Or flat. In fact, they're probably the only white jean/pants that I will ever be able to pull off! Butt, do they make me look tanner than I really am?!?!? Oh hellllllssss nah! Butt I'll give a little to take a little, right?---

Back to present day -- I make the swift decision that before I fill my gut, I should probably take these pants in to get the hem taken up. You know, for my midget stump legs. I walk out to the tri-fold mirror so Mr. Miyagi can chalk up the appropriate length, and as he's squatting down, he's eye-level with my backside. I shit you not, he takes his finger and traces the gem-lined embroidery on my back pockets. Pretty sure I got a nice little rubdown...

{Circling design with finger} Oh, yis is wery pwetty pocket. You pant are wery bootiful!

I was tempted to say Yes, sir -- my pants are very booty-full! butt I refrained. Instead, I just thanked him for the molestation compliment and went to change back into my other wardrobe.

Out the door I walk, and decide that maybe since I'll soon be donning tight white pants...maaayyybeeee I should forgo the stop at Taco Bell. Jason's Deli is definitely the healthier choice, and it's still outside the bun, so it'll do just fine. And it happens to be right next door to Mr. Miyagi.

As I'm sitting at a table near the counter, and eating my very healthy meal all sophisticated and skinny-like {in my head I was MaryKate-elbows-and-knees skinny} I am involuntarily exposed to more of the bun. Two men who have obviously just completed a vigorous workout are perusing the menu, when one of them slowly starts rubbing the back of the other. Then his hand creeps due south and begins caressing his 'workout partner's' buns, butt not without slowly sneaking his little fingers up the dude's shorts for a little skin-to-skin action.

*Rub!*Pinch!*Squeeze!*Rub!*Pat!*

I mean, seriously?!?

SERIOUSLY?!?

Sear.
E.
Us.
Leigh?!?!

Oh gag... {thinking...is this considered binging and purging if I'm not actually inducing the vomit myself?}

Then, a chick, somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one I'm assuming, bends over to retrieve a belonging she dropped on the floor. In her mini-skirt. The mini-skirt without panties... Oh, wow! Well, I guess I couldn't completely escape the taco either...

Turns out, my lunch was quite ironic. I swear, it was with only good intentions I tried to avoid empty-carb buns and greasy tacos ... butt, it just didn't exactly work out that way. Thanks to a few {ahem, Mr. Miyagi, Senor CuddleMeBums and Tiffany Taco) certain people.

I think I'll bring my lunch tomorrow. I'm thinking chicken breasts... no?