My mom has cats. Three cats. It has been rumored that they aren't liked all that well in the Stanga household. I really don't even think my mom likes them all that much, but what's she gonna do?!?!
So remember how we have the 17 year old cat on a daily dialysis treatment? You know, Maxie, the one my mom sticks an IV into every.single.day and pumps him full of fluids?
So remember how we have the 17 year old cat on a daily dialysis treatment? You know, Maxie, the one my mom sticks an IV into every.single.day and pumps him full of fluids?
****
Well, let's take a break from talking about Maxie and dedicate some much-needed attention to Grey Kitty. Yes, that is his name. Grey Kitty.
Rewind a few years, say circa 2005 or so:
During some x-ray for one reason or another, {or 500 reasons because they are, in fact, my mom's animals. And her pets seem to have every possible problem in the world...} the doctor realized there was a bullet next to the cat's heart.
You read correctly.
A bullet.
In the cat.
Piercing his heart.
How the crap did the cat get a bullet in his heart?
Well, turns out, our neighbor was bragging one day about how he thought he had finally gotten rid of the armadillo that has been lurking in the neighborhood gardens. When we inquired how he managed to do that, he responded:
"It was early one morning, barely light out and I saw the gray shadow moving in the bushes. I ran inside, got my gun and shot it."
Small, insy, teeny, tiny mistake.
He didn't exactly shoot the armadillo.
He shot our cat.
With a gun.
In the heart.
And did the cat die?
No......{dammit} Thank God!
We still have armadillos.
Fast forward a couple of years to late 2007 or early 2008:
Grey Kitty was sprawled out, catching some rays in the driveway. Daddy was in a hurry to leave the house. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened.
Dad + Car + Cat + Driveway =MEEOOOOOWWWWWWCHHHHHHH!!!!!
He ran over the cat.
The cat with a bullet in his heart.
Ran over it with his car.
And do you think the cat died?
Noooooooo.....Dammit! Thank God!
Fast forward again to July 2009:
Grey Kitty has a problem with his front paw and is limping. Mom takes him in to the vet to check it out, where they send him in for an x-ray. Which then leads to removing a lump out of his paw and sending it in for a biopsy.
Cancer. The cat has cancer.
And do you want to know how exactly the cat got cancer?
Because my dad ran over it with the car. Yes, if you run over a cat with a car -- and the cat doesn't die -- it will then instead develop cancer. Who knew? I didn't know that! Did you?
Somehow, the pressure from the tire caused a cyst to develop in the cat's paw, which turned malignant and is now spreading up his leg and eventually to his body.
Has this killed the cat?
Noooooo.......
Don't you think that after years full of trauma and bad luck, the cat would be much better off going peacefully to live with the feline Father?
Don't worry, we'll never cease to amaze you. My mom cannot bring herself to put the cat down, because he's only 12 years old and has so much more life to live. {With cancer, and a bullet in his heart.}
Today, the cat is at the vet.
Getting his leg amputated!
We will now be the newest family of the 3-legged cat.
We will also now be renaming the cat to Lucky! The 3-legged, bullet catching cat.
I joke a lot about the ridiculous stories that have come from our pets, and think this too is a bit overboard, however my mom is really upset by this, so I do hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. For her sake. So please send a little prayer up to the Good Lord for a quick recovery and emotional strength for my mom.
****
Did I just bring down the mood? Wait, I can bring it back up!
Let's talk about the third cat. Black Kitty. What a bitch she is!!! But we know why she's so moody and I think I would be too.
Several years back, we were watching the cats play with the ornaments on the Christmas tree. They were having a grand 'ole time, pawing and climbing and everything else those creatures do. It was precious...
...until Black Kitty decided to take a bite into the string of lights.
The tree darkened.
There were sparks.
The cat fell out of the tree with her fur standing straight up, foam dripping from her mouth.
The stupid cat electrocuted herself.
And did that kill the cat?
Nooooooo.....{Dammit!} Thank God!
The next winter season, the cat went missing. For about four days or so. Mom was really worried about her, fearing she may have become a snack for the coyotes.
It was a rare season with tons of cold rain. Ice and sleet. Snow even.
Half a week later, in below-freezing temperatures, we found the cat.
Stuck in a tree.
Alive.
Did the lack of food, water paired with being completely frozen and unable to move kill the cat?
Nooooooo......Dammit! Thank God!
If you have never once believed that cats really do have more chances at life than any other living creature, come to our house!
We cannot seem to get rid of these damn cats!!!
Any suggestions?
Well, let's take a break from talking about Maxie and dedicate some much-needed attention to Grey Kitty. Yes, that is his name. Grey Kitty.
Rewind a few years, say circa 2005 or so:
During some x-ray for one reason or another, {or 500 reasons because they are, in fact, my mom's animals. And her pets seem to have every possible problem in the world...} the doctor realized there was a bullet next to the cat's heart.
You read correctly.
A bullet.
In the cat.
Piercing his heart.
How the crap did the cat get a bullet in his heart?
Well, turns out, our neighbor was bragging one day about how he thought he had finally gotten rid of the armadillo that has been lurking in the neighborhood gardens. When we inquired how he managed to do that, he responded:
"It was early one morning, barely light out and I saw the gray shadow moving in the bushes. I ran inside, got my gun and shot it."
Small, insy, teeny, tiny mistake.
He didn't exactly shoot the armadillo.
He shot our cat.
With a gun.
In the heart.
And did the cat die?
No......
We still have armadillos.
Fast forward a couple of years to late 2007 or early 2008:
Grey Kitty was sprawled out, catching some rays in the driveway. Daddy was in a hurry to leave the house. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened.
Dad + Car + Cat + Driveway =MEEOOOOOWWWWWWCHHHHHHH!!!!!
He ran over the cat.
The cat with a bullet in his heart.
Ran over it with his car.
And do you think the cat died?
Noooooooo.....
Fast forward again to July 2009:
Grey Kitty has a problem with his front paw and is limping. Mom takes him in to the vet to check it out, where they send him in for an x-ray. Which then leads to removing a lump out of his paw and sending it in for a biopsy.
Cancer. The cat has cancer.
And do you want to know how exactly the cat got cancer?
Because my dad ran over it with the car. Yes, if you run over a cat with a car -- and the cat doesn't die -- it will then instead develop cancer. Who knew? I didn't know that! Did you?
Somehow, the pressure from the tire caused a cyst to develop in the cat's paw, which turned malignant and is now spreading up his leg and eventually to his body.
Has this killed the cat?
Noooooo.......
Don't you think that after years full of trauma and bad luck, the cat would be much better off going peacefully to live with the feline Father?
Don't worry, we'll never cease to amaze you. My mom cannot bring herself to put the cat down, because he's only 12 years old and has so much more life to live. {With cancer, and a bullet in his heart.}
Today, the cat is at the vet.
Getting his leg amputated!
We will now be the newest family of the 3-legged cat.
We will also now be renaming the cat to Lucky! The 3-legged, bullet catching cat.
I joke a lot about the ridiculous stories that have come from our pets, and think this too is a bit overboard, however my mom is really upset by this, so I do hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. For her sake. So please send a little prayer up to the Good Lord for a quick recovery and emotional strength for my mom.
****
Did I just bring down the mood? Wait, I can bring it back up!
Let's talk about the third cat. Black Kitty. What a bitch she is!!! But we know why she's so moody and I think I would be too.
Several years back, we were watching the cats play with the ornaments on the Christmas tree. They were having a grand 'ole time, pawing and climbing and everything else those creatures do. It was precious...
...until Black Kitty decided to take a bite into the string of lights.
The tree darkened.
There were sparks.
The cat fell out of the tree with her fur standing straight up, foam dripping from her mouth.
The stupid cat electrocuted herself.
And did that kill the cat?
Nooooooo.....
The next winter season, the cat went missing. For about four days or so. Mom was really worried about her, fearing she may have become a snack for the coyotes.
It was a rare season with tons of cold rain. Ice and sleet. Snow even.
Half a week later, in below-freezing temperatures, we found the cat.
Stuck in a tree.
Alive.
Did the lack of food, water paired with being completely frozen and unable to move kill the cat?
Nooooooo......
If you have never once believed that cats really do have more chances at life than any other living creature, come to our house!
We cannot seem to get rid of these damn cats!!!
Any suggestions?
4 comments:
I will never match your Dad's eloquence and succintness: 45 minutes on high indeed, uncle Mike.
I don't even have words to comment but I think I just peed in my pants
Lane-My gawd!! Your blog is funnnneeee. It provides a much needed break from staring at pricing spreadsheets once in awhile. Keep up the hard work...you are doing your friends and fam a tremendous service. Do let us know how the cat surgery goes. Again, my gawd!!!
Haven't you ever heard that cats have 9 lives?? That means Maxie has 8 more to go, Grey Kitty has 5left, and Black Kitty has 7. That makes me happy. I'm sure it makes you happy, too. Oooops, got to go give Marley an enema now.
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