Wait, It Gets Better!

Since my last post was somewhat of an evil stab at my mother and her disgusting, ratty, matted, annoying smelly cats furry, fluffy, feline friends, I figured maybe I needed to go back and dedicate some words about her love for dogs. We already know that my mom is madly in love with any sort of living creature, most of them being more valued than her own flesh and blood.

No, I will not be going on and on, telling you stories about any of the following:

• The wrought iron fence is literally rotting away due to heavily-acidic dog tinkles.



• The time when cracked-out Ernie from the streets of South Dallas (yes, we have a hood rat dog) took a nice little bite right out of my dad's ass.



• How the dogs get out of the gate, wander off for hours at a time, only to be found covered in shit {literally, shit!} because they have made their way to the city water treatment plant



• If you are missing an item -- say maybe a sock, an entire lightbulb or even a Tiffany's watch -- give it a few days and it might mysteriously reappear in the back yard. How those dogs' digestive systems pass whole items through their entire body and out their caboose is way beyond me. {There is no elaboration here. Dis shiz is fo realz, yo!}



• Having a large Black Lab / Mastiff mix escape from the house and then having to chase him through the neighborhood only to find him running in someone's front door and eating their entire dinner off the kitchen counter. Can we say *mortified* ?!?!



• Being the daughter of a woman who will spend hours camped out underneath a trailer at a truck stop in Carl's Corner trying to rescue a yard-dog.



• Having to shove your 4 kids in the very back of a car on an 8-hour roadtrip home from New Orleans, just so you can sit in the backseat with a new dog you picked up at a convenience store.



• The time I got a call from my mother to bring her a drink because she was really thirsty. When asked where she was, she said she had been camped out in some field/yard/parking lot {don't really remember} for three hours trying to catch a stray dog.



• How about when at a friend's graduation party, my mom offered to remove stitches from said friend's dog. She whipped out the tools straight from her purse and got to work!



• Watching your mother ask for scraps at a party so that she may then take them home to her animals.



• Does your dog have a psychiatrist? I'm just saying that maybe it could be a possibility that my mom might have looked into {read: hired} someone to analyze the dog's feelings.



• Due to said canine psychiatrist's reports, Marley is suffering from severe depression caused by not knowing his place in the pack. Therefore, when boarded for any length of time, he {and only he} is rewarded with a king 2-room suite with a bed, tv and attached private dog run.



• Or any other possible scenario out of the list of millions you can think of...

No, I will not be discussing any of those with you here today. Instead, I would just like to reveal my mom's true love, her passion, dedication, unconditional appreciation for dogs.

My mom loses her keys. A lot! When this happens, {and she will deny this till the day her ashes are sprinkled in the Guadalupe River - sorry floaters - it's her ultimate resting place} her nice, calm and collected spirit turns into that of a raging psycho.

Shit! Fuck! Dammit! Sonofa... Mutherfa!Crap!ThisIsBullshit! Miiiiike.......

Anyone who has ever witnessed my mother lose her keys, you should be holding your special place right now for fear of wetting your panties {or manties}, because you know how soooo damn funny it is to watch. However, you want to definitely be watching from afar, because trust me -- NOBODY wants to be caught up in her wrath.

Anyway, so my mom loses her keys. A lot. While at a restaurant one day, I was digging through my mom's purse for some chapstick and during my search, I see a small brown piece of yarn sticking up out of the dark depths of hell {her purse} and I slowly retrieve this magnificent find.

My jaw dropped.

My eyes started watering.

I couldn't breathe.

Mom, WhatTheHell is this shit?!?!

{Crickets!}

Oh, that's my new keychain. My friend-at-work's husband made it for me, so I'd never ever lose my keys again. It's so easy to find them, I.Love.It!

So folks, let me now introduce to her keychain.



I don't know if I've ever told y'all about my mom. She really likes dogs!