I Ain't Ever...

It has been mentioned to me on several occasions that I have a ridiculous knack for involving myself in absolutely, one hundred percent retarded situations involving some of God's most special creatures. It's like I'm a magnet for the crazies. Yeah yeah yeah, 'takes one to know one...' I get it, I get it. Well, while most of you are sayin I ain't ever heard of such a thing... I can promise you that I have. It's like the most awkward people are drawn to me, to help fulfill and enrich my life experiences.

Of course, we all know the incident with the AH-MAZE-ING Sheryl. Or the dude that wanted to roll me in sauce. Or the time that 57 year old man tried to make out with me during my interview for his company. (Kacy, we need to video blog this demonstration... BTW) I mean, seriously, what the crap is wrong with people??

Well, I'm still on a mission to find out what chromosomes are out of whack on these individuals, but I keep getting interrupted along the way. Interrupted by more and more ass clowns that continue to add to my library of stories.

It shall come as no surprise that some of the more interesting characters I have ever come across have hailed from the great city of Austin, Texas. I have literally been in a pseudo fight with a mute mime. She was genuinely pissed off at me, would not let go of my arm, and was up in my face, bitching at me....silently. Trey tried to intervene and get her off of me, but she wasn't having it. She pushed him out of the way and chased me until she grabbed a hold of me again. Finally, a few cops came up to assist. I mean, honestly, is this Candid Camera??? Or what about the time I was walking back to a parking lot in Austin when I feel a *WHACK* right on my ass?? I turned around to notice a lesbian behind me, who just ass-slapped me with a two-foot long double-ended dildo. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?!?!?! Seriously, people?

Let's just say we've got a new gem of a hang-out for Wednesday Happy Hours. (Please send credit over to Kacy, for allowing me to take a few excerpts from her rendition of this fine, fine day.)We approached this patio, bravely, on the day that is known to common people as April Fools Day, however, the only people kidding themselves, were us! And by kidding ourselves, I mean leading ourselves to believe we belong in a place like this.
Because Kacy's main man Matt thinks he needs a little more country in his life as of late, we all decided to go to a bar in Lewisville called “Redneck Heaven”. It was interesting to say the least and, let me assure, the name does not disappoint. The décor was elegant. In the woman’s bathroom hung and instructional poster on how to make a beer bong. Hanging from the ceiling were koozie mobiles and redneck windchimes. Most everything you would expect under the title, “Redneck”.


When we arrived and walked through the swinging doors advertising their world famous Minnow Bombs, we were met by the tallest Hooters-esque, Glamazon waitresses I have ever laid eyes on. Marty (please note this is Kacy's Marty, not mine) was pretty sure that if they formed a women’s basketball team they could take the entire DFW Metroplex by storm. And, when I say tall, I mean there were about three or four of them over six feet. Yowzers! Anyway, they were just cute as a button in their boots, rolled up cut-offs and bellyless tanks. Our waitress, M., really put a lot of forethought into her bangin’ getup. Not only did her dark blue eye shadow match her dark blue under-tank, but those also both matched the latter half of her fingernails. By that, I mean, the tips of her fake nails were painted navy blue as well. She also was chocked full-o-brains. One time, when she actually got the two drink order correctly, she fist pumped and “Yyyyeeeessssssss”ed under her breath. She deserved Employee of the Month.

Of course we started with a table on the patio and a round of drinks. Casey made the mistake of saying yes to the big beer. The options were small or big, according to WM (Waitress M.). A big beer is usually 16 ounces. Maybe 20, if you’re lucky. Not at Redneck Heaven. They prefer you to drink your beer by the gallon, or what they like to call, Bubba Beers. And quite honestly, you may put yourself in the line of danger if you did not order a Bubba Beer because WM was about as scary as Godzilla with her stares. I'm pretty sure I witness her nose flare and a snarl come across her face when I opted for the smaller beverage.
We quickly noticed that a couple of sports cars kept pulling in and out of the parking lot. The license plates were Gabe1 and Gabe2. I’m not a car person but I think they were real fancy sports cars. Like, you know you've made to the point of being wealthy white trash when you drive a Mustang GT. Anyway, Gabe (I’m assuming) would bring someone out of the bar and take them for a spin in one of the two cars then pull back in. Everyone kept going out to look at the car. One time he peeled out, fish-tailed and the place went wild. WM told us that’s why Gabe is 40 and single but then went on to explain that she has a photo shoot with that car the following day. We’re all a flutter waiting to see the pictures. . It was the main attraction. (Please take note of Glamazon WM and Gabe in the yellow.)
Well, until ...

... Until, we were blessed with Bandana Girl. I posed for a picture so Kacy could capture the lovely couple in the background. We kind of got busted taking the picture so the dude came over and had his picture taken with me. He was pretty sure he was famous by then. I mean, who wouldn't be excited to be photographed with me???

This girl was extremely over the limit on alcohol and minnow intake. The Minnow Bombs are some sort of yellow shot with a live minnow zipping around inside. Like overgrown caviar in a shot glass! We watched her take a few and you just drink them right up, apparently!

Marty wanted to snag one of the minnow shots and take it down to the local PETA headquarters and watch some heads explode but that idea became less exciting once the minnow kisses began. Much like butterfly or Eskimo kisses, the minnow kiss involves close face-to-face contact but does not include the lips. The guy (in the picture with me) was taking minnow shots with Bandana Girl, but on the last one he actually caught the minnow in his teeth. Head side in. The minnow, still alive of course, is flapping all around. With the minnow still in his teeth he leans over and lets the tail flap on Bandana Girl’s nose. Cutest thing you ever did see. I think they might have gotten married right then and there except...

... except that Bandana Girl got sleepy. Her ‘boyfriend’ left to go use the restroom (which, we were informed, the men’s urinals looks out over the entire restaurant with a two-way mirror) and after she sat in the lap and hugged on guy #2, she then decided to go ahead and turn in for the evening right there on the concrete. We tried to be discreet with the picture taking so we went under the table with it. At least she got to show off her tattoo!

Guy #2 felt an obligation to care for Bandana Girl at this point so he picked her up, walked her out to his white truck, put her inside (as the entire place watched) and then came back in to finish his drink. I mean, what dude lets a broad ruin a good time? Eventually they left – hopefully they know each other.
At this point, we have a new friend that shows up, (a real friend) and keep in mind that he has not yet Happy Hour'd with us before. We feel obliged to tell him all the stories about how we meet random people at bars and the entire episode of T-Shirt Girl. During story time he had no idea that he was about to step off up into a real live episode of “Kacy & Lane Make New Friends.”

Just about that time is when Guy #1 came over to our table. He asked us, very seriously, “who is the most trustworthy person at this table?” Kacy's hand pretty much shoots up and she claims that she is by far the most trustworthy person at the table! She's probably not, by the way, but she tries to stay on the white side of the lie line most of the time. Anyhoo – so he tells her to get up and come over to him, and like the good listener she is, she does. He looks at her very sternly and says, “Can you watch my stuff while I go to the bathroom?” Haha! His “stuff” consisted of one beer, one shot and a pair of sunglasses. She of course tells him sure, even though he never checked her trustworthy credentials. He comes back and she sparks up a conversation with him, right then and there in front of all of us. Without a doubt, we had to know why she was watching his stuff. He told us that he doesn’t trust this guy (the one with his tongue out in the picture). Kacy acted shocked. But, if we are all being honest, this guy just doesn’t look like the trustworthy type...


Let me warn you – some pretty heavy cursing begins at this point. Hold your ears.

He goes on to tell us that the un-trustworthy son-ova-bitch claims he’s a Gold Vest Gypsy. Of course Kacy has to ask what that is and he proceeds to say it’s a bike club and the Gold Vest Gypsy’s are the Mama and the Papa of the Black Sheep to which he has an affiliation.

“So, he’s saying that he’s better than you?" Kacy asks. Which, she was absolutely right. (She picks up on biker speak pretty quick. Be jealous.)

He continues by telling us that he’s currently a member of Hell’s Angels. “I’m the worst of the worst,” he says, “I don’t know why. Just am.”

"Is there some type of club card you need to get in?" she asks. He does not think it’s funny. He's all business. All of the time.

Right about then the Gold Vest Gypsy poser comes over to talk to our new friend and we am blinded by a shiny object. Our pal has a knife! He tells Kacy that he plans to kill that guy if he doesn’t back off. Luckily, backing off ensued because the poser needed to go bum a smoke from Matt. He walks up to Matt, completely drugged and drunk and says, “Man, I’ve had a really bad day. I crashed my bike, my girlfriend left me and I just got out of jail.” Matt fully expected him to ask for money but no, he just wanted a single cigarette. Either way, we were all just glad a cuttin’ didn’t happen. Kacy finally decided to introduce herself to my our new friend and she extends her hand and asks his name. Crash. His name is Crash. After having to turn her head and withhold laughter because if ever the perfect name was predicted for this story it would have absolutely been “Crash”. We were clearly entering blogger’s paradise.
Crash ends up having a seat at our table. His poser pal fled the scene and Crash relaxed a little bit and began talking it up. Kacy gave him a true rundown, Tory style, until we basically knew his life story. Things are really hard to retell and recapture sometimes but I hope you’ll enjoy these tidbits from the life of Crash:

*He got a call on his cell phone in the middle of our conversation. When he hung up, Kacy asked, “Who was that?” He said it was "Wound Tight". She asked, "is he a friend of yours?"
o Crash: It's a SHE.
o Kacy: Oh. Why do you call her Wound Tight?
o Crash: You don't want to know.
o Kacy: What's her real name?
o Crash: Sammie. Or, Spun Loose.
o Kacy: Spun Loose? She has three names? How do you know which one to call her?
o Crash: Normally we call her Wound Tight but we call her Spun Loose when she's been drinking.
In fact, Crash was late for his yearly club party and that’s why Wound Tight was calling. So, Crash put Kacy on the phone with her. Had she been there in person we all might woulda peed our pants. She sounded mean. Crash told Kacy to tell her that he would be there when he got there and so Kacy passed along the message.

“Who is this?” she asked.

Well, thinking that it would be much cooler if she had a biker name, Kacy racked my brain for something and as she glanced up at the Red Lobster sign next door she told her she was “Ugly Red”.

"Who?"

Not doubting her new redneck name for a minute, Kacy claimed, “This is Ugly Red.”

That’s when the yelling began … “I DON’T WANT TO FUCK!ING TALK TO YOU!!!!” Kacy took that as a hint and passed the phone back over.

*Crash told us he has a very beautiful daughter. That’s because he only dates models.

*Crash is a Hazmat Engineer, claiming, “I like to blow sh!t up.” The suits he has to wear cost $10,000. According to Mr. Crash.

*Crash told us that the mother of his daughter is “no longer with us” because she brought a child molester around their daughter after they had split. The obvious next question to be asked here is,
o Kacy: Have you ever killed anyone?
o Crash: I was in the Marines. I’ve been to war.
o Kacy: Okay, but have you killed anyone on the outside?
o Crash: … pause …
o Casey Harris: We’ll take that as a yes. So, what did you kill them with?
o Crash: Which one?

*We got lots of biker lessons but here’s what you need to know: Texas is currently ruled by Banditos and Crash doesn't get along with them, but it will soon be a Hell's Angel nation.

*At one point Crash yelled at the waitress really mean and demeaning. After that he said, “Did y’all hear that?” And of course we did. He said, “I did that to prove a point. They know me here and they don’t get mad.” Crash has mad clout at Redneck Heaven. Just FYI.

Finally, we went inside and caught a few minutes of the fabulous karaoke. Next time, we’re going to focus more on that. But, Kacy did capture a little video here for you and it’s our waitress who thinks it’s sexy. Listen closely. Oh, and yes, this is the lone black man, sporting a Fedora hat no less, singing sweet sweet R&B love songs at Redneck Heaven.

And we found the Bike of the Month with strict instructions not to touch. Looks older than dirt but hey, we're no vehicular experts.

Oh oh oh! I almost forgot... Just about everyone noticed the extremely off brand ketchup that they serve at RH. Marty insisted on me stuffing it in her purse and ‘lifting’ the Red Gold. I passed it back over to Marty in the parking lot. He called soon thereafter and said he had made an awesome world changing discovery after stopping for some french fries. Marty’s Discovery: Whataburger steals their ketchup from Red Gold because it’s just as good. I HIGHLY doubt it but, we’ll try it next week as we go back for another episode of *everyone now*, “Redneck Heaven!”

So, the moral of the story(ies) is...I can't make up stuff this good. You may be doubting me and my ability to scout out some phenomenal people, thinkin I ain't ever... but trust me, I ain't ever, either. Until....BAM! it just happens.