***Ode to T-Shirt Dress Girl***
It's been a while since the girls got together for Happy Hour … I've been really busy at work the past couple of weeks, Tammi had been on a cruise, Harris was getting her face painted, Lane has 4,673 wedding and baby showers to plan and attend and I think everyone else has been pretty busy too. But, finally on Wednesday we were able to get together for our regular Wednesday HH.
We change up our venue almost every week and chose Two Rows this week. Tammi actually suggested it and it's probably the best decision she has ever made in her life. Quite honestly, I will probably go to her with all the major decisions in my life going forward.
Let me also say that this story is border line unbelievable and even comes full circle like no story you have ever heard before. It's a very magical story.
It all started very innocently. We were just sitting around a couple of pulled-together high-top bar tables ordering drinks and appetizers, per usual. It was me, Lane, Robyn, Harris, Tammi & Marcus. I began to notice that everyone kept staring just past Marcus. I finally pop my neck around to see what all the buzz is about and OH MY GOSH …
When I first laid eyes on Sheryl, who would quickly become my new BFF, she was drinking beer from a straw, wearing a T-Shirt dress and had her hands halfway up the thighs of a gay man. A classic sight.
After yelling at my "friends" for not alerting to me to this golden nugget find of people watching sooner, I decided that something had to be done. Just as that happened, though, I caught a whiff of cucumbers. I said to Marcus, "I smell cucumbers." (If you know me, you know I'm a real good smeller.) We both turn to look at this guy walking by our table. He's dirty. He's long-haired. He's homeless. He has a back-pack full of sticks. I mean like big honkin' sticks, stickin' out the back of his back pack.
So I said, "Or sticks."
Do cucumbers smell like sticks? Do sticks smell like cucumbers? Possibly.
We all thought this was totally bizarre but, I thought that maybe he whittled for a living. That did not turn out to be true, however. He is writing his last book, though. Whatever that means.
Lane & Robyn got to talking to the manager about both 't-shirtdress girl' and 'stick boy'. Come to find out 't-shirtdress girl' had gotten kicked out of Two Rows a few weeks ago and 'stick boy' actually used to work at Two Rows but they had to fire him … I can't remember why, but it seemed valid. It was really odd that these two characters couldn't stay away from the calling of the fresh brewed Two Rows dollar draft beers. Whatever the case, I was heaven. I decided, again, that something had to be done.
Sheryl, a.k.a. 't-shirtdress girl' was really putting on a show at the bar. Leaning back in her chair with her boobs pointing to the sky, diving into her purse/bag and re-applying make-up non-stop and feeling-up Adam, her gay friend who she obviously does not know is gay.
Finally the curiosity killed me and I walk over to Sheryl and tell her how much I like her shoes. Her shoes were one half wood and one half 4.5 inch heels. I just needed an 'in' to get to know her better and boy howdy, that's all it took! I'm kicking myself for not getting video. I can't explain to you the druken, drugged, stupor of this woman but she made for one of the most entertaining Happy Hours EVER!!!
She quickly began to tell me that they were Jessica Simpson shoes and that no one else would buy them because they were too tall. But, she bought them because she does not own one single pair of flats. In fact, she gave me a very inspiring speech about how, to walk in such tall shoes, you must first find your center. I'm not sure if she's ever done yoga or not, but it sure sounded like it! She also told me that the manager's at DSW know her and when she goes in there she literally hyperventilates. She demonstrated.
I went on to tell her that she actually looked like Jessica Simpson. She said she gets that all time and goes into a whole story about how she grew up 2 blocks from Jessica Simpson and they were recently in the hospital at the same time, only rooms apart. She disclaimer-ed this by telling me that she doesn't follow Jessica news, but her friends do and they tell her. I try really hard not to laugh out loud in her face, look over at Lane and wink, and then delve back in by telling her that it's a high possibility that her and Jessica were separated at birth.
Then, for the pure entertainment factor and the proimse of good blog, I invite Sheryl and Adam to join our table. She was at our table with her straw and beer before you could say "I'm a Jessica Simpson wanna be."
We gather around her like flies and give her the 100 million question run down. First of all, meet Sheryl:
Also meet Sheryl's T-Shirt Dress and Baby-T. The guy next to her became referred to as Baby-T for obvious reasons. I asked him, later in the evening, after several drinks, if he was gay. He said he wasn't. So, I asked him what was with the baby t-shirt. Somehow, I also gave him my number and he texted me the next day and it said, "Hey, It's JT, the non-gay guy." Whatever dude. Adam called this shirt "tragic!"
As we began to talk to Sheryl more and more we found out some very interesting facts. First of all, she claims that her T-Shirt dress is Vera Wang and she got it for $40. She also got one in black. I'm not sure why you would buy one at all … everyone knows that my grandma can make one of those out of two Hanes XL T-Shirts for about $7.99 just like she did for me when I was 8 years old. But, whatev.
Now, Sheryl has some really fake blonde hair, 47 layers of makeup and Sugar Bronzer on, is wearing a T-Shirt dress and more lip-gloss then Cover Girl has ever produced … so, we want to know what she does for a living. We were expecting stripper, bartender, Hooters girl, or cross-dresser but NO! Sheryl is an Image Consultant. Yes, you read correctly. She's been doing it for 20 years. In fact, she said she can never even get any time for herself because all her friends want her to take them shopping. True story people. There is no way to make this crap up.
We also learned some other key points about Sheryl that will make you pee a little:
· She said that a good make-up look for the office is blue and purple eye shadow with white sparkles.
· We asked her what her biggest make-up tip was and she said: "You've got to put on fake eyelashes before going out."
· She keeps all her make-up in gallon sized freezer ziplock bag in her purse. She showed us. It was old and crusty, probably from the 80's.
· She likes to chant. The only one we heard though was, "We like Pills! We like pills!" I chanted along just for fun. Duh.
· She did an awesome leg extension in the middle of the bar. All the way in the air. Even her t-shirt dress couldn't cover it all up. Sick.
· There will be a diving contest at Sheryl's pool party this weekend. I am invited.
· She is moving into a new house this weekend and has the biggest room in the house. It is going to have couches and stuff in it so we can hang out in there.
· She will be living with someone she doesn't really know, named Wendy. She met her at Shuck n' Jive. Classy.
· She enjoys being an image consultant because it's about her clients, not her. She doesn't want all the attention on her, which, to date, is the biggest crock of crap I've ever heard.
· She's missing her back molar.
· She started humping a dude at the bar who was wearing a beret.
· She gave us each a tip on our looks:
o Tammi: "You think you have it going on already, but you DO need a change"
o Harris: "You need to chop off your hair and dye it gold."
o Kacy: my face is round so chop my hair off and angle it to the front. Her direct quote makes no sense unless you're watching her swing her arms fanatically, "I'm gonna go with THIS and swing it like THIS and fluff it like THIS and then some of THIS all in HERE" but she agrees that I should stay with dark color. Whew. I was concerned.
o Lane: needs to come out of her box, throw some color into her life, chop her hair off, make it spiked and dye it "hot mahogany". "I'm gonna go with you with a little bit of hot mahogany."
o Marcus asked her if she could help him. She said, "no". Haha!
o Then, she gave us all a speech about being proud of who we are. She said that you need to love YOU for YOU and recondition your brain on the things that you don't like about yourself. It was very touching.
· She has a hearing problem. I asked her 3 times to her face where Adam went and she stared blankly into the midst … then just popped up and said, "In the bathroom." I'm not sure it was a hearing problem so much as too many pills.
· She has a "sponsor". Per Adam …
· She told me that Del Friscos is the place to meet men. She is currently dating 4 guys she met there. Um ... Right.
· She tried to get me to leave with her.
· She would never tell me where she got her Vera Wang dress.
· She claimed that her ex husband looks exactly like Nick Lachey.
· She wouldn't tell us who, exactly, she has re-styled celebrity-wise but then it came out out that she just works at the Smashbox makeup counter - so she either works at a mall or at an Ulta.
Lastly, and pretty much the best part is that we asked Sheryl to put some make-up on us. She first got out her Sugar Bronzer and made us pass it all around and each person was supposed to put some one. Frankly, I was scared of cooties but I did it anyway. She pretty much yelled at us to put some on so I was a little scared not to. Then, she put 45 gallons of lip gloss on both me and Tammi. I'm not an "image consultant" but, I think keeping lip gloss ON the lips is pretty much a no-brainer.
One thing, though ... as she was applying my liner I was totally cracking up and she looked at me, straight faced, and said, "Can you be serious please?" HAHA! I died! Who was she trying to kid?
Don't worry - I've had my shots.
One small disclaimer to this story. Tammi dug up a story about Sheryl's T-Shirt dress and it is actually Vera Wang:
Vera Wang Reinvents the T-shirtIn the interview before the show, Ms. Wang said she felt she could differentiate her Kohl's merchandise from her high-end looks, even though the T-shirt look plays a big role in both lines. "There are certain deliveries in the future Kohl's line that you will see that are about T-shirt dressing — and the T-shirts are adorable — but they are not the T-shirts I am doing in my collection," Ms. Wang said. "Those T-shirts are a different quality of cotton. And what we add to those T-shirts, and the way they are cut and the volumes they have, are very different." (Her runway pieces included a brown sheer viscose silk jersey apron over an ivory silk T-shirt dress and a plum cotton knit long-sleeved T-shirt with a washed georgette fabric insert in the back.)
I don't care if they are calling it a "sheer viscose silk jersey apron" now days … it's still a T-Shirt dress to me.
Now … the full circle part.
Marcus and I were driving to dinner the next day, about 8 miles away from Two Rows, and saw Stick Boy walking down the road. No lie. I had my camera out in 2.8 seconds and snapped the stick pack!
And, Harris went to Happy Hour, in Frisco, on Thursday night and guess who was there? SHERYL!!! She had to remind her who she was and that they had met the night before. Oh, and she was wearing jeans. What are the odds?
Also, I guess I gave Sheryl my number. She left me a voicemail ending with "love ya" and has been texting me non-stop to hang out with her.
Somebody shoot me.
More to come I'm sure ... apparently Sheryl and I were meant to be.
So, one of the better parts of this story, is that while we were deeply involved in this fabulous encounter, people wouldn't stop coming up to our table. We had on-lookers from all over the bar approach us with their cameras, asking if we could manage to get a shot of greatness with their camera with Sheryl wasn't looking. I also have several business cards in my camera case, and I had to email pictures to complete strangers. I got a few responses back from this girl asking if she and her friend could join us next time for happy hour, because they've never seen anything so funny in their life. We're making new friends. I even had to email pictures to the manager, because he thought it was so great! Somehow we always become popular!
1 comment:
I'm pretty sure this is the funniest story I have ever heard!! In the life of this boring mom....your blog is all I have!!
Mary Beth
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