Ohhhhh....I get it now!

So, I may be a little bit on the slow side (don't you dare agree with me...) but at least I was finally able to connect the dots. Even if it took over a week.

Last Monday, I went to my regular stylist to get just a maintenance trim, since I'm trying to keep my hair longer. She asked me, "Now, is there anything I need to remember before I begin?" I shook my head no, because she is well aware of the potential my hair has if not blow-dried in a timely manner. She also knows I have a shit ton of hair and she's going to really have to comb through it. She knows all this, so I just tell her that everything is good, just here for a cut.

"Now, you don't have to style it like this every time, but I would like to show you an option if you're feeling fancy one day."So after that, I come out of the salon and return to working like a complete asshat. Scoot over, Farrah Fawcett - I'm bringing this feathered look back again. Whatever, not a big deal - it was just the way she styled my hair.

Of course, it took me until Thursday to even wash my hair again (since it was Monday when she did a real professional rinse on the weave) and I tried to do something different with it and let's face it.... IT.DID.NOT.WORK. Not a problem, just didn't style it the normal way... I'm sure it will be fine when I go back to my normal routine.

Over the weekend, my hair was pulled back in a pony tail or in a headband and yesterday it was curly. However today....

Today is the day that I realized that the whole "is there anything I should remember? bit" Ummmm...yeah - I'm growing my hair out, I don't want short layers. Maybe she forgot that I was trying to keep the layers long, because with this volume, short layers are recipe for disaster.

What am I left with? Short freaking layers!

I think this is the first time, I've been truly unhappy with her cut. Unhappy, but at least I finally understand what she was trying to ask.

Questionnaire

*Do you ever sit and contemplate (on a daily basis) how to make a sweatshirt look the least bit professional? Or then think that if you add the right earrings, you could totally pull of wearing a sweatshirt to work?

No? You don't?

Oh. Uhhhh, yeah..... neither do I?!?!?



*Do you ever find yourself setting a series recording for every single rerun of Will & Grace possibly aired on Lifetime? Or get ridiculously excited that they added two more times each and every weekday to replay episodes, totalling six times a day you can catch that quirky quad??

No? You don't?

Oh, okay. Yeah.....me either!?!?!


Wait wait, how about this one...

*Do you ever tune in to 107.5, which has now turned into a Latino station, and completely jam out with your air guitar and steering wheel drums to songs you can't even comprehend?

No? You don't do that either? Geez, what the hell do you do?

But, in case you were wondering... I would never do anything like that.

Geeks On Call

If you dial 1-800-555-GEEK, I'm pretty sure I'll be the newest dispatch dork to assist you with all your troublesome techie needs.  

You see, I've had wireless internet at my house the whole time I've lived there, all of two years. My service provider is TimeWarner, {but we'll save my soapbox speech for another day} however, I haven't been completely, one hundred percent in love with the amenities and speed that they provide {UNDERSTATEMENT!} 

One day, while my computer was searching for all available wireless networks, I happened across an unsecured connection from my neighbors.  AKA - 'G Net'  Let me just say that the G is so much better than my dang connection, so there began my career as a criminal.  I was thieving interweb access from my neighbors.  Everyone was telling me I should just cancel my own service and keep connecting to a unsecured network whenever I could, however my fear was "what if those people move, or secure their network, or cancel it themselves?"  So, for that reason alone, I kept deepening the pockets of Time Warner, although I hadn't been using their services in well over a year.

With the ridiculous wind and weather changes that have blown in over the past week, I just figured my inability to connect to the G was due to some outages in the area.  The next day...still no service.  Instead of opening up Google in my web browser, it redirected me to a customer service page for AT&T, instructing me to call to resolve the issue.

I could only imagine how that phone call would go down:

AT&T - Thank you for calling AT&T Customer Service, how may I assist you today?

Me - Um, yes, my high-speed internet isn't working.  The web browser page that comes up tells me to contact you regarding my service.

AT&T - Ok maam, I'll be glad to assist you.  May I have your name and phone number please?

Me - Lane Stanga. 469.xxx.xx22.

AT&T - Ok, could you just verify your address for me?

Me - Sure, it's ...... xxxx sdgsgh road, xxx.  

AT&T - Thank you. Let me repeat that back to you.  It's xxxx sdgsgh road, xxx.  

Me - Yes, that is correct.

AT&T - I'm sorry ma'am.  We have don't have any record for a customer under that name and phone number, and our service map says that location isn't being supported by AT&T.  Are you sure you're a current customer with AT&T?

Me - No. I'm not.  Actually, you see, I've been stealing internet from one of my neighbors and suddenly  their service has been interrupted.  I was just wondering if you could get them up and running again.  I mean, this is really interfering with my blogging and such.  Do you happen to have a service technician currently handling the problem?

AT&T - Wait, you're not a customer but you're gaining access through one of our customers?  And you want us to come fix their internet, only because you can't steal it anymore?

Me - Yes, sir.  That is correct.  

{Crickets.} 

{Click}

So, I decided to forgo the call to AT&T and just check back every day to see if G Net was back to normal.  Two days went by and then I saw the moving truck.  At that moment,  I was praising myself for never canceling my own service, even if I hadn't used it in two years.  

I returned to search for available networks and of course, the only one I could connect to was my own connection.  UGH, WHATEVER!  So I attempt to connect, and guess what??? No connection.  It says I'm connected, but that is a down right lie. {Just like much of what TW promises to their patrons.}  At that moment, I realize why I began stealing service from my neighbors in the first place.  My connection was always jacked up.  

I was down-right utterly pissed, and mixed with an intense crave for some good blog material, I was determined to get to the root of the problem.  I racked my nerdy brain for all my tech-savvy tricks and did some real high-tech maintenance that many of you couldn't even comprehend.  With all of my knowledge and skills, I finally got my very own wireless service working again.  ...After two whole years!... Pretty sure Geeks-On-Call is jumping at the bit to hire me for such skills I demonstrated yesterday.  

What are those skills you ask??

I'm going to whisper it, because this kind of knowledge and technique is far to advanced for just anyone to attempt.

*i pushed the 'reset' button*

SHHHHH!

Add Another One To The List

of reasons why I love my lady-gay friend, Hayden.

(8:59:48 AM) Lane: Morning!
(9:00:11 AM) Haydent: Hey Quita.
(9:00:20 AM) Lane: whatcha durrin?
(9:00:50 AM) Hayden: signing up my ex for spam email
(9:00:52 AM) Hayden: u?

Can I Add This To My Resume?

The lovely Miss Christy, CEO over at the Von Tungeln Headquarters, was so kind to honor me with a special award, that without a doubt, has been spreading itself through blogland like a bad epidemic of the Hiv. This is one lady that I do not get enough time with, that's for sure, but one thing I do know is I heart her and her sweet family so much!



The rules are:
List seven things that you love and then grant seven other bloggers with this gracious award.

Seven Things I Love:
1. My crazy, frivolous family that keeps this train a'runnin.

2. The Miss Priss, Claire. She has brought more joy into my life than I could have ever expected!!!

3. Jacques-Imo. He has really taken a great liking to me and our bond is growing stronger by the day. Last night, I really felt for the first time, that he was totally, completely, in love with me.

4. There are these people I know. I call them my friends. Sometimes they make me pee in my pants a little.

5. Holla to all my Mommy friends out there! What, what!!! What was once nothing more than The Murphy Moms Club, is now probably the coolest group of baby-bearing ladies around!

6. Karen Walker & Jack McFarland.

7. Blogstalking. Duh!!!


Seven Fellow Kreativ Bloggers:

1. Remember how just a minute ago, I told you some of my friends make me pee in my pants. Check out Kacy! This lady is a hoot and a half, I'm tellin 'ya.

2. That ridiculous Boudreaux and all his crazy shenanigans. We should all send a little prayer over to his momma, Molly, for the sake of her sanity while raising this lil guy!

3. My life would not be complete without the random and absolutely hysterical Blayne-isms that Danette so often provides me with! Believe me, this is one little chick you totally need to meet!

4. My sweet and sassy sister-in-law, Maegan tries really hard to keep her posts updated and everytime I see a new entry about my sweet baby C, I get ten kinds of excited!

5. Stacee. Oh, Stacee. My long lost twin, separated at birth. Well, she's a bit older than me, but still - I swear we are the same person. She once said that reading my blog makes her feel less crazy. I don't know if she necessarily meant that she could relate, or she was saying that I'm absolutely off my rocker?!?!?

6. Shana, over at Everything Eads, always has fun little updates about Livvy Lou and Jacob, too! Her precious duo are so fun to read about!

7. I absolutely love keeping up with Candi. I kinda knew her when she lived in Texas, but I feel like I know her even better now that she's blogging remotely from over there Utah. I definitely think she is a chick I could hang with!


Congratulations ladies!!! Keep up the good work!

The Adventures of Aunt Laney

Mark and Maegan had tickets to the Stars game last night, so Claire was dropped off at my house for a little fun.

She climbed all over the place, and even tried to climb up and over the back of the couch. She really wanted all the goodies that were behind the couch on the table, so I had to pull the couch away from the table far enough beyond her reach. Apparently, I had forgotten to baby-proof my house before she came to visit.

The little princess was going crazy, and it was hard to keep up with her. Well, it was hard to keep her away from chasing and climbing all over Jacques-Imo. To try and calm her down, I decided she may like to read a little book, which captivated her for all of four seconds. She has yet to appreciate the gracious gift from God of Mike the Tiger.
She was squirming like crazy, just begging to get down and explore, climb, tear my house apart and anything else a nine month old wants to do. She found her way over to a new 'toy' that she became immediately obsessed with. The pictures will tell the story.





Let me just say, this kid is out of control. I finally strapped her in the stroller, got the leash for the pooch and the three of us headed off for nice stroll down to the park. Let me just say that any onlooker must have definitely felt sorry for the 'single mother' with a ridiculously hyper, babbling baby and a pup that decided to lay down in the middle of his walk. I ended up carrying him through various parts of our walk, because he was DONE with it all. At least all the stopping and going helped pass the time before it was getting dark and little miss priss was getting sleepy. Time for a nighttime bottle and some relaxing before dozing off into Dreamland.

I didn't have my hands full, I promise!

Lucky Number Three

Today, alone, has provided me with three phenomenal reasons why I need to create an anonymous blog, aside from this Train, to report the hilarious {read: humiliating} occurrences of my daily life. Oh, and to talk shit on, but that's a whole 'nother story...

What, do you actually think I'm going to spill my guts on this blogosphere, just so all of you can share a giggle at my pride/dignity/cost? Well, I'm definitely not sharing it all, but I will give you a little tid-bit. I mean, why would I just throw some bait out there if I had no intention of catching you, right?

Today at lunch, I went over to Jessica's house to visit with her and sweet baby Maddy. I was playing with her, loving on her, snuggling with her, rocking her to sleep... you get it....I was in a baby-craze! So when she started to get real heavy-eyed, she was whining a bit for her pacie. I was frantically looking all over the place, and couldn't find it anywhere. I knew I had just had the damn thing not but twenty seconds ago, where could it have possibly gone??? Jess noticed my search and asked if she could help me find something, so I asked if she knew where the pacie was.

She just grinned and said "Lane, look between your boobs." Yes, well, the pacifier had fallen and gotten lost in those dark, abandoned mountains where nothing travels to anymore, except maybe a few crumbs. I retrieved the pacie, dusted the goldfish flakes off it and gave it back to Maddy.

{Kidding}

Of course, I washed it off first. Now, if it was my kid - ehhh, yeah I would have given it straight to her.

Gassing el Gato

There is a daily procedure to be executed over at the parentals' house, that usually gets plenty of laughs, eye-rolls, head-shakes and OMGs! Well, at least from every single living human being except Leslie. Oh, and Aunt Annie.

I know I've talked about Maxie, the cat, before and how my mom won't let the dude die. He's like eleventy billion years old, but she puts so much effort into extending his lifespan. Day by day.

How does she do this, you ask? Putting gas in the cat. Or that's what Daddy calls it at least. His kidneys are malfunctioning, or is it his liver ... well whatever, something isn't working and if she puts fluids into him Every.Single.Day it can make him live two years longer. Now, I'm not talking putting some fluids in a bowl, I'm talking about an IV drip and a needle.

Sometimes she makes me assist her if I'm over there. She could give two flying shits that I am absolutely completely one-hundred-percent allergic to Maxie, I'll be damned if I don't help give him fluids.

"Lane, I know your eyes are swollen shut, you can't breath and your skin is in heinous hives, but this is Maxie's life we're talking about..."

This is no joke. She's all business with this life-saving procedure. Of course, when she was headed out of town this weekend, Maegan and I were left in charge of gassing the cat. Maegan had to hold and pet while I inserted the needle. Sick! Why Mark was excluded from helping is beyond me, but whatever. I had to come equipped with mask and gloves, to prevent the least bit of contact with that hairball! Unfortunately, no barrier is strong enough to keep those allergens away from me!!!

Oh well, we got it done...kind of. We poured the rest out in the sink so my mom would think we did. {Leslie, I'm kidding. I really did stick him with the needle, there was blood to prove it.} Hopefully she was able to enjoy her time away without being too worried about her animals. Lord knows that they're bound to be okay with the novel she writes for instructions. She's actually gotten much better with this, and condensed it down to two pages. Usually, its a minimum of six. I'm NOT kidding!

Thankfully, dad's instructions are quick and to the point.

Have I ever told you that my dad strongly dislikes those cats?!?! He's just begging for the opportunity to shove a needle into that cat!

The Cat...Errr, Dog Lady

Y'all, I promised myself I wasn't going to be THAT person. My mom is totally THAT person, and I did not want to turn into her. {No offense, Leslie.}

But, guess what...I am THAT person. I am the crazy cat dog lady that overly-obsesses over her sweet pooch and doing anything to make his life easier. And by easier, I mean convenient. And by convenient, I mean down right spoiled rotten.

Thursday rolled around and I was so O.V.U.R. {per Kim} the force feeding thing, and quite frankly, Jacques was about a gazillion times more over it than I was. The vet also suggested that I try some meat mixture baby food, so off to Kroger I went on my lunch break to fetch the dog some Gerber. Yeah, not so much. He was having none of it.

Next attempt? Chicken. I bought the damn dog a whole effing rotisserie chicken. And some rice. Now mind you, I hadn't seen the dog voluntarily eat anything, and I mean anything, except for a lick of ice cream the entire week I had him, but put some fresh oven-baked poultry in front of him... It's like the Saints won the Superbowl, I tell ya! It wasn't bad enough that I am teaching my dog to expect nothing but top-notch cuisine, I even go all-out for presentation.
Yes, you are seeing correctly. The dog is on the couch, with a three-piece serving platter in front of him. Don't even start with the me, I already know I am THAT lady. But hey, he's eating. Thank you, Jesus!!! {Please no comments on the skin and bones, it's something we're working on. Isn't it heartbreaking to see a dog that was so malnourished?}

Since he was feeling a bit better, I took him on a field-trip with me on Saturday to mom & dad's. They were out of town at a wedding {Congrats Doneva & Sammy!} so I was in charge of assisting with Maxie, the cat. (A story to be told in a minute...)

Anyway, it took about zero point three seconds for Claire to figure out that her buddy Jacques-Imo was there, and the harassing began. She is in love with that dog and he keeps her occupied for quite some time. Unfortunately, the love isn't exactly reciprocated... {WTF is this child doing trying to grab me? Get her away from me before I hack all over her!}

So sorry, sweet baby Claire. I still love you!!!
We ended our outing with a trip to Bob Woodruff Park with Mark & Claire in tow. Sweet baby C was completely hanging out the side of her stroller, just watching her canine friend prance along next to her. She was giggling at him the whole time. M&M - I think ClaireBear needs a little toy pup of her own!!! I'm just sayin...

And I Quote...

Being that it's the season of Lent, and a Friday, it really limits my options for lunch. If I can't find a place that serves a reasonably-priced fish on Fridays, I'll opt for a salad or bean burrito or something and I've done really well so far this year. The last three years, I haven't cheated at all.

However, when Colby said he wanted his birthday lunch to be at Angry Dog today, what else was I supposed to do? I perused their menu beforehand and saw that the non-meat selections were few and far between, so I figured that maybe...juuusst maaybe I could budge the rules just a little bit and go for that chili cheese and onion dog.

Well, you know as they say in Pulp Fiction

'And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers...'

I really secretly think that Samuel L Jackson was acting as a Prophet then and speaking the words directly from our Father's mouth. I really wish he would have spoken those words to me, as a warning, just mere seconds before I indulged in a plate full of crap.

Those rules that I budged just a little bit. I mean, just one time I cheated, God. One time. Yeah, look who's laughing now.

Heartburn? Check.
Nauseated? Check.
Potential for puking? 90 percent.

That 'strike down with great vengeance and furious anger' shit... Yeah, it's no lie my friends. It's for real. Like for real, for real.

A Day in the Life Of High Maintenance

Yesterday morning, we had our first disagreement about where he should spend his day. He thought underneath my bed, while I thought it would be best for him to be in his crate. I've heard some parenting advice to pick your battles, and I decided to let the little man have his victory. Under the bed he went. I put several selections of food down there for him, you know, in case he thought he'd like to eat sometime.
You can't see me if I'm under the bed . Finally, I escaped from that damn camera!

Dammit woman, no pictures, please!

When I got home from work, guess who still had not eaten? Yup, you guessed it. Day number five without anything more than a lick of ice cream. However, he was out from under the bed and waiting for me with a wagging tail at my bedroom door. I swooped him up, took him for a quick little walk in the beautiful weather {which he did NOT want to come in from} and off to the vet we headed for a checkup. The doc said that it seems he still must have a nasty upper respiratory infection, and that's why he has green nose and eye boogers. And...not to mention, that horrendous cough!

Solution??? Two shots: one antibiotic; one cough medicine. Plus, a round of oral pills of each prescription to follow.

Oh, and so sad - he's losing weight at a rapid pace. Hayden says his own new weight-loss management program is going to include spending a copious amount of time with me, since I can apparently make living species lose their appetite with a snap of my fingers. Lil' J-I went from being 12.9 to 11.2 lbs when we were at the vet yesterday.

Solution??? Force feed the little dude. I hate having to pry his mouth open and shove food down his throat, but he needs to be packin' in some nutrition {and calories} if he's going to stand a chance against his infection. So, three times a day, we sit down for meal time. I think he hates me by now!

Hopefully we're close to reaching the top of the hill with this saga and he can work on a speedy recovery from here on out. One problem is his cough medicine he's on, it's a controlled-substance / narcotic. Hey, what can I say, I like to get my dog stoned. A lot. It's a fine line between just making him a little sleepy while working it's magic versus knocking him out completely and not allowing him to discharge the infection from his body. It's a wait and see game, requiring much of my attention.

Solution??? I created a new holiday for the office. Today is Bring Your Dog to Work Day!!!

I don't know who is actually getting more work done. Him or me? I think he really enjoys being at work with me. He can see I'm right here and gets to just lounge around snoozing.

I wish everyday was like today, however I feel that candidates I bring in for interviews may think it's a bit unprofessional to have my dog sniffing at their feet and looking up their skirts. Whatever, I think it would make the work environment that much more friendly and enjoyable. Tomorrow will be back to our normal routine, well as normal as it can be for the dude right now.

{I promise I'll stop talking about the dog...soon.}

Sweet Sixteen

Sixteen. The magic number.

That's how many hours it took for Jacques-Imo to come out from under the bed. It was about 4:15 Saturday afternoon when he ran under there, and he finally emerged around 6:45 Sunday morning. I decided to give him time to feel it out for himself, but I wanted him to know he could come out and see me whenever he wanted, so I slept on the floor. Halfway under the bed. Talk about dedication.

At about 2:30, he tried to come out twice, but just couldn't make it all the way before getting spooked back under. Then, at 6:45, I heard him hacking away so I woke up and noticed he was nervously coughing as he was approaching me. Once he felt safe enough, he slowly crawled up next to me and laid down. Whew! Thank goodness. I took him out for a short walk and then we got in my bed, to sleep some more...like normal people. He curled up right next to my tummy and slumbered away, drooling for the next 6 hours. He's making improvements.

Yesterday, he did pretty well, however he has still not eaten one thing since I've had him. I ran errands and when I got back, I heard him barking for the first time. He must have heard the garage open and was wanting me to come get him. So sweet! Well, I actually think he wanted to get on the couch more than he actually wanted to see me. He's definitely found his comfort zone there - he no longer curls up in a ball. This fella stretches out!
I invited my mom over for dinner since I was actually cooking, and we decided to see if maybe he'd eat a little piece of human food. She sat some salmon next to him, waiting for him to eat it up. Yeah, not so much. However, while mom was sitting next to him, he showed interest in her ice cream. Well, folks, the dog has now eaten.
We figured as long as he got something in his belly, it'd be alright. It was just vanilla, so it wouldn't hurt him. I went to the store and got some plain yogurt and cottage cheese to see if he'd like that also, but it was a no-go. The dog just wants his ice cream. I left his food in his kennel with him today, so hopefully while I'm gone, he'll start pecking away at some nutrition. I really need to put some weight on this poor little guy. He's sooo skinny!

Till next time...

Lane & Jacques-Imo

A New Journey

Last night, I embarked upon a new journey that will turn out to be longer than I would have ever imagined.  There will be more hills to climb, more unpaved paths, more twisty-turny detours, but eventually, I will reach my destination.  

What is that destination you ask?  To happily, lovingly and rewardingly coexist with my new pal, Jacques-Imo.  

A few weeks ago, I had this overwhelming urge, desire, calling  {whatever you wish to call it } to start looking into getting a dog for my place.  I have been very hesitant with this for the last couple of years, but I think I'm finally ready to have a warm furry body to come home to.  And, well, let's face it - hairy men kind of scare me, so a dog is a better choice.  ... For now.  

I started looking around online at area shelter websites, as did my mom, and yesterday after work, I went to Second Chance SPCA to look at a few dogs available for adoption.  Originally, I went with intentions of getting Navaho, a beautiful border collie mix with one bright blue eye and one brown eye.  He was incredibly sweet and friendly, however, I wasn't quite sure if he was 'the one.'  I thought maybe he'd do better in a bigger home with more freedom to play once he got accustomed to his surroundings.  Then, in a crate under the desk, isolated from everyone was Romeo.  I had seen Romeo's picture online too and considered him, but still was leaning towards Navaho prior to visiting the shelter.  I asked to see Romeo too, and when the gate was opened, a timid 12-lb terrier mix came out and sat in my lap. He didn't move!  I loved on him and he fell asleep in my arms.  It took all of 30 minutes of bonding with him to decide that I want to give him a new opportunity at life.  

I asked about his background, etc.  He was separated from other dogs temporarily due to a kennel cough he had developed in the shelter, however he was on the tail of end of it and had completed his prescription.  He was rescued from a Little Elm shelter, just before being euthanized, and given a second chance at this no-kill shelter in Plano.  As far as they can tell, he's about a year and a half old, however they are unaware of his circumstances prior to being in the Little Elm shelter.

I did my paperwork, promised to take good care of them and we told all the volunteers bye.  Me and Romeo, who is now Jacques-Imo, met my mom at PetSmart for some new supplies and everything so I could bring him home and get started working with him in his new 'home.'  I got him a new crate, with plenty of room to get cozy.  I showed it to him and he immediately fell in love.  He has no problem going in there and plopping down.  However, he does have a problem coming out of it.   

It didn't take me long at all to begin to pick up on some of his former living arrangements.  He definitely was an inside pup with full-range access to the furniture.  I was still unloading things from the car, and when I finally got back inside, I learned that he had quickly found and claimed his spot on the couch.  

Well, that was all cute and all to witness, but my following realizations weren't as cute.  Actually, they weren't even close to being cute. It breaks my heart to have to conclude that he was severely abused, abandoned and neglected.  He is still on the tail end of his kennel cough, so instead of panting, he has this aggravating cough he does when he's nervous until he ends up gagging himself.  He is such a scared little guy.  Anytime I move, the heater comes on or off, he hears noises out the window, he starts this routine until I can calm him down and let him know he's safe and not in trouble.  

I had to leave today to go to a baby shower, and upon my return, he seemed excited to see me and was ready to get out of his crate.  He slowly walked towards me, stopping every few feet to examine the area and make sure he wasn't breaking any rules (whatever those may be,) and eventually explored the entirety of my room and bathroom.  He followed me to my doorway and when he saw that I was headed downstairs. Game over!  He about-faced and hauled his little bones (which is all there is to him at this point) back into my room and under my bed.  He has remained there since about 4:15 this afternoon and it doesn't look like he'll be coming out anytime soon.

Just a warning, the next several rounds of posts may be progress that we're making.  And right now, progress at this point is getting him to eat even just one nibble of his food.  Or to stop hacking when he sees me.  He can stay under the bed, as long as he stops shaking.  

Poor poor baby.  

A Fight I Can Always Win

Well, I can win this one about 99.9% of the time.

Last night, I was at HH with a girlfriend and some of her clients. I was in mixed company, only knew one person, but was conversing with everyone at the table as much as I could.

I had never met this girl until about 5 minutes prior, when she starts looking at me. I felt a little uncomfortable. Her stare seemed to be getting closer and more intense, before I finally noticed her mouth opening to speak these words:

"Wow! I'm almost as pale as you are."

I laughed it off, pretty used to that type of comment {from people I know} and told her that she didn't come even remotely close.

And then...

And then she had the audacity to lift up her jeans to show me her legs, as if to urge me into a competition with her.

Sister, this is one dogfight you do not want to enter yourself in. I'll whip your ass time and time again. You best bow down, lady!

Valid Excuse

Dear Owner of the Red Grand Prix,

I am terribly sorry for the small dents and scratches along the back bumper and side of your car. I really didn't mean to crash into it ... it just came out of nowhere! Sure, it wasn't moving, but I swear it just came out of nowhere. Okay, okay, so not only was it not moving, it was parked, but I STILL swear it just came out of nowhere!

However, I do have very good reasoning for why my car might have gotten into your car's personal space. You see, I was driving away from Danette's house with a exquisite cupcake in my hand. Well, I'm sure we all know how hard it is to peel off the wrapper and eat the cupcake with just one hand, so I had to use both hands. No problem, I've got the technique down with using my trusty knee to guide the steering wheel. Buutttt....you know how sometimes when a crumb drops in your lap and you just can't let it go??? Well, I then went searching for that little tidbit of flavor and when I looked up... BAM! There you were.

Again, I'm sure you can completely understand how this little mistake happened. I do feel a little bit bad, so I'm leaving you half of my cupcake. Okay, well, maybe just the last bite of my cupcake. I'm thinking since I was so generous with my treat, we can just call it even. Right?

Sincerely,
Lane

{Okay, so I didn't REALLY run into a parked car, but it was super close. I looked up just in time to steer clear of it, but it definitely was a close call. But still, had I ACTUALLY hit a parked vehicle, I wouldn't have felt as dumb if I could blame it on my cupcake. Which, by the way, was DELICIOUS. Thanks Danette!}

Thanks For Your Presence. And Your Presents!

Well, Sunday was a wonderful, beautiful day. The perfect kind of day for my birthday celebration. Because I'm lame, I didn't even go out or do anything big for my birthday. Instead, my parents hosted a small party for me at their house Sunday afternoon. The weather was fabulous, so we enjoyed a yummy BBQ meal outside!

My dad was cooking 'recession chicken' that was taking sooooooo long, so while we waited, we we hung around and snacked on a few appetizers. (What the hell is recession chicken? Well, his grill is working kinda slow these days, and while he wants a new big fancy one, he's waiting to buy it. Therefore, the chicken had to cook for a long time, in order not to burn.)

Oh well. I was just dandy snacking on some boudin from Poche's and Abby's deviled eggs. MMMMMMMMMM!


We were still waiting, so we decided to open cards and presents. I felt just like a little kid, sitting on the floor in the middle of everyone, with my presents around me. Blayne wanted to help and Claire wanted to play!

I started with cards then moved on to Danette's present. Let me just say that OMG Cholesterol, had I known better, I thought I would have been turning 80!!!

Wait, it gets better... Kacy was then kind enough to give me her present. A SNUGGIE!!!! Heck yes!!!

Everyone was real jealous, so we had to take turns trying it out. Thanks Kacy!!! Your gift was such a hit!



Finally, it was time to head outside and grub down on some good 'ole BBQ chicken. Oh, and potato salad, baked beans, Abby's homemade mac&cheese, grilled veggies.... Yum!Yum!

After eating, I hear a sneaky little question coming from Blayne asking "Laney....are youuuuuuuuuuuuuu huuuuuuunnnngggrrrryyyyyy???" (Seriously sounded just like that.) That was her way of telling me to cut that dang cake because she wants it. NOW! Danette made me a precious supersized cupcake cake that was so so yummy!


Oh yeah, one of my favorite parts about that day....

Marty was in town for a wedding for my birthday, and he even stayed late enough on Sunday to celebrate with my family! Thanks so much, buddy. It meant a lot to have you there! :)

The day was just terrific and I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect! Since some of my girlfriends weren't there, we celebrated last night. Y'all know I'm not too high-maintenance {I mean, at least I don't think so...} and when it comes to birthdays....it's just another day to me, so last night we just grabbed some dinner, wine and hung out on my patio. That's all I needed to celebrate such a special day!

Robyn got me this super cute oil lamp night light and a fleur de lis mail organizer that totally fits my personality. I love it! Allison got me the cutest "Pot-O-Panties."

A million thanks to all who helped me celebrate and/or sent me warm wishes as I begin yet another fabulous year. :)

Quarter Century Break Down

What has been happening in the last 25 years, you ask? Well, I know one thing for sure, and that has been my life in all it's glory.

If any of you ever wonder how one person could turn so royally, completely effed up, I'll take you on a little tour of how it's achieved. Pay close attention and take notes, you'll want to absorb every bit of this!

When Claire was a couple months old, I told Maegan to be thanking Jesus that her child did not look like me. She asked why, and I couldn't even explain it. However, I have found a picture that explains exactly what I meant by that.

I think my family was quite shocked at what I had turned out looking like, so they tried to 'cutesy' me up by dressing me costume and concealing my real identity. I can't really blame them, I probably would have done the same thing!
As I got a bit older, there was a little hope. I was turning a little bit cuter, and not nearly as hideous as before.

That, or I had a real bad complex and my parents bought me a hat to make me feel better. Apparently, I needed to wear it a lot!!!


Yeah, I think it was most definitely a complex. When the hat came off, I was left with THIS!!! An angled-chili bowl in the front, with a femullet in the back. Why mom, why?
I think this is when I first learned what type of boys I'd be chasing after during the time frame of 7th, 8th and 9th grade.
Although it has been edited in this picture, this is the first time I started showing my panties off on camera. Paris Hilton, I did this on camera long before you did! Where's my money???
After the panty-shot incident, and with this, I think is when my parents knew they were in for a long roller coaster ride of raising me.

Robyn claims this is when I learned to be a prostitute. Whatever, I was just trying to be a rockstar!!!
But this is actually when I started picking up on the trade of stripping. Hey, I like to start early and really give it my all.
I'm going to go ahead and say that it's probably a good thing there wasn't a huge market for 7 year old strippers, but that left me with a sudden identity change. It started slowly as I worked my way into more masculine things, such as sports.
Then I tried my hand at being a boy. And a hoodrat.
Then a rhinestone cowgirl. Pretty sure I sported this gem to my first Garth Brooks concert in third grade. FYI - I have never ever lived in the country!!!

Things kind of evened out later in elementary school as I started packing on the pounds and my teeth were growing further and further apart. Luckily, it was overnight that I had lost all my chub and turned in to an adolescent, and got my grillz fixed.

Remember when I once told the story of going to my 8th grade social with the 'purple' dude. (See that 'dark' picture above wasn't a lie...) Well, and remember how I told you he forgot to get me a corsage, so I had to wear a garden flower pinned to my dress. This is that time! I don't know what's worse. My 'corsage' ... or ... that sweet piece of spiraled hair down my face!
Suddenly, I grew up. I was 15 going on 30. This is about the time all the teachers at Williams HS were mistaking me for one of their coworkers instead of their student.

At 16, I really learned how to start spreading my legs well. Gross, y'all - I mean it like this:

Oh, young and innocent high school student.

Or, maybe not...

Remember, how that one time, for like one whole semester, I went to LSU? Well, this was then.

And then I moved back home...

And then I got really drunk that one night I turned 21.

With a few shitty situations and lots of growing up to do, the next four years have kind of been a whirlwind but tons of fun, nonetheless.


That brings us to the 25th year. Today, I begin the next 365 days of being 25 and I hope to continue to grow, to laugh, to have fun, to cry, to mess up a time or to, to learn, and to move forward, all the same as before.

Happy 25th Birthday to Me!!!