PEEce and Quiet

My parents have been doing really well and are getting on top of the their game in terms of getting the house to look presentable. They've recently done a lot of updates to the house and are continuing to do more. The biggest difference would probably be the freshly painted walls and ceilings.

Last night, I had to drop off some things at their house and stayed for dinner. While my mom was off showering, my dad said he had something interesting to show me in the downstairs hallway and bathroom. So we go back there and he points to 3 spots in the ceiling...yellow stains. I was thinking oh no, after all this, a leak that has to be painted over.

Dad first called Dennis, our seasoned HVAC dude, but he couldn't diagnose anything with our A/C units. Okay, that's $200 down the drain...time to call the plumber. Mr. Butt Crack comes out and checks the pipes in the attic but those too are in perfect minty condition. He did have a 'BUT' (no pun intended,) though and that was that he noticed a really large rats' nest in the attic around the area of the stains. This is about the time my dad starts throwing out some eloquent 4-letter words. Another $200 down the drain, and the problem still exists.

My poor parents, because they were dumb enough to have 4 kids, they constantly have a garage full of our crap while we're in between moves, etc. Well, I take that back - they weren't dumb for having 4 kids ... it wasn't what they wanted. Mom doubled up with the twins and I was by far the accident, which they aren't shamed to admit. Anyway, they're used to having some rat problems since we live right off the golf course and our garage is the perfect haven for those disgusting rodents. Usually when we have them, you can hear them and see their 'evidence,' but this time they were really quiet and leaving no trace...except a large yellow stain on the ceiling.

Mom happened to be out running errands during the time of this discovery, so my dad asked her to stop and pick up some rat poison on her way home, because he wasn't about to spend more money for something he knew he could do himself. Mom finally gets home and this is how the conversation goes...

Dad: Leslie, did you happen to get the rat poison?

Mom: Yeah....about that....

Dad: (eyes roll and jaw drops)

Mom: You know I have problems being cruel and killing innocent animals. It's not their fault, they just need a place to live. I was thinking instead, you could maybe crawl up there and catch them, and kindly relocate them and their nest to a much better environment.

Dad: (probably shitting his pants at this point) ...and how exactly do you think we're going to keep them out once we remove them?

Mom: Well, I have a friendly solution for that too. I bought this (holds up a plastic gallon bottle) bottle of fox urine. If we put this down after we get rid of the rats, they won't want to come back.

Dad: (Thinking are you fkn kidding me? This broad wants me to solve our rodent piss problem, by first relocating them like I'm a damn moving company, and then protecting our home with varment piss. This b*tch is outside her mind.)


Needless to say, after mom gave her reasoning, my dad then gave his. Nothing was settled that night, but yesterday it definitely was. Dad was giggling when he was telling me all this and he said that mom made the mistake of leaving the house earlier in the day.

Dad: Your mom left today, so I went to the store. She'd divorce me if she knew how much poison was lighting up those little f*ckers right now. She'll find out in a few days!


And this is yet another reason we are referred to the Stanga Train.