Inside Cruisin’

Okay, okay – I apologize for my slacking.  I will now resume the Alaskan recap.  Hmm, where did I stop?  Oh right, we were just departing Vancouver and setting sail on the Inner Passage through British Columbia.

Just joining?  Catch up before reading further:

The ‘Early’ Beginning of Our Journey

and

Welcome Aboard Wednesday

Thursday morning, the 6th of August, I woke up to see this out my window.  Not a bad view, huh?

We were scheduled to sail all day through the passage separating Canada from the Pacific Ocean with our next destination being Ketchikan, Alaska.  However, we wouldn’t reach that point until late into the night.  

{The lower red dot is Vancouver, with the other dot being Ketchikan.}

Since we were to be at sea all day, I decided to start of this glorious day with a trip up to the gym and had a nice date with the dreadmill.  Wow, what an experience that was – in so many different ways.  Running on the top deck of a ginormous cruise ship with nothing but water in front of me was an amazing feeling! But then again, keeping steady on a moving strap while also trying to keep my balance on a rocking boat, woah – it was a feeling oddly similar to trying to walk up stairs completely wasted.  Then, when you add in the fact that the treadmills were stationed on the open deck directly above the fish-bowl hot tub, and the ridiculously hot steam was rising up and hitting your face as you were trying to work out – probably not the best decision on the architect’s part.  I was completely drenched leaving the gym, but I at least felt as if I had burned enough calories to go eat breakfast. 

Yay for UNLIMITED omelets, sausage, bacon, biscuits & gravy, toast, bagels, fruit, pastries, pancakes, French toast, etc. 

{Now, do you realize why I was on such a strenuous workout regimen to lose weight before my cruise?  Because I knew I would be eating all that crap every.single.morning.  Praise Jesus!}

After over-indulging myself in calories, carbs, grease and fat {so unlike me, I know…}  I needed to go shower and get read for the day.  Let me just inform you that I was a lucky guest on that boat and got a cabin with special effects.  Besides having very hot men come bang on my door, demanding to be let in, I also had a vibrating bed. 

Seriously. 

Didn’t even have to insert a quarter for the ride. 

Hot men + vibrating bed = Suh-weet! 

Wait, wait– let me clarify a few things.  These two bonuses didn’t necessarily go together.

 Dammit!

The only reason I had the crew come bang on my door is because it was the fire department responding to the smoke detector going off in my room.   Apparently their on-board hair dryers aren’t industrial-strength enough for my weave and I might have blown it up trying to dry this massive mound on my head. 

Side note:  I have always had a thing for firemen, so it’s only right that I unknowingly lured them to my room. 

Okay, back to sailing the passage.  I got ready, took a small nap and headed up to the Lido deck to search for my friends.  They were nowhere to be found! Hmmm, what do I do by myself on a big ass boat?  Well, first of all, I needed to grab a cocktail.  Check!

I continued my quest for companions and still couldn’t find them.  What to do, what to do?  Most definitely I got another drink and then sat down at the BlackJack table.  Gambling and drinking mid-day?  I don’t have a problem…

Finnnnaallllyy, I found my peeps back on the Lido deck, so we decided to just straight-chill with a bucket’o’beer and lay out Alaskan-style.  In pants and scarves.

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It was just so easy to lay there, make new friends and watch the world pass us by.  I mean, it was truly stunning. 

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We were lucky enough to get to see some whales and dolphins cruisin’ right along with us.  I was disappointed because I kept getting snapshots of them as they were descending back underwater, so you couldn’t really tell….but if you hold out long enough….you’ll get a perfect shot!

B.E.A. – Utiful!

I tell ya, I could spend hours upon hours sitting out here just taking it all in!  Unbelievably gorgeous!

I was near a peaceful sleep on deck when I decided I needed to get up and get ready for dinner, which was one of the formal nights.  I pulled out my dress, made myself another cocktail and headed towards the dining room for another delicious meal.  YumScrum!

With full bellies, the Brown Boys, Chris and I hit up the casino once again, and then ventured into the Dancin’ dance club.  Unfortunately, the ‘Indian Ocean’ had taken over the club so we quickly made a B-line for the door and found ourselves in the Shanghai Piano Bar & Lounge. 

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This is where we met Derek, one of the ship’s entertainers, and Vagina Girl Amanda, a crew photographer and the Australian Mate. Amanda came in after her shift for Derek’s entertainment and we quickly made friends with her.  She was an absolute riot!

We sat there and enjoyed the company and music until we closed down the bar {which is the opposite from opening the bar – stay tuned…} and then the boys were so kind to walk me back to my room.  My mom was adamant about using the buddy system, and they were determined not to disappoint. 

And once again, I was left to myself for a long sea nap.  Well, not totally all by myself.  Pepito was once again kind enough to leave me a cuddle buddy, Sir Peter Pig…

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Off to sleep I go, dreaming of the next day’s adventures in Ketchikan.

Stay tuned…

Me! Always Happens to Me!

Let me just take a small break from all this incredible, blow-your-mind, vividly-detailed blogging I'm doing about my Alaskan adventure {you know, A.L.L. this blogging I'm doing.  I will get better, I promise!} to tell you a short story.

Sure you'll want to scoff, point fingers, and publicly make fun of me on Facebook even, but it's okay. I would do the same thing.  I'm just not sure why this stuff always happens to me!

Let's set up the scenario, shall we?

I might have maybe just possibly told someone that I would bring a surprise over.

Said someone's questioned response was "Jacques-Imo in a thong?"

{thinking: Hmm...not what I had in mind, but pretty damn funny.   Why not?!?!?}

Done. Show up with my cute little homie in a purple thong with the cute black bow on the back T. {Of course it was purple! Don't you know football season is right around the corner....} It was funny, worthy of the laugh I was seeking, it was all good.  

Joke over.  

Put thong in purse.  

{Molly -  I don't need any dirty comment about why my panties were really in my purse, because I KNOW that's where you'll take this!}

Fast forward to today.

Just like clockwork, as soon as I get on the elevator to leave work, I bust out my Burt's Bees and the shades.  It's my elevator routine.  

Only today, I had a spectator for my elevator routine.  A very HOT spectator! 

No bigs, just pretend to act like I didn't notice, just go about my normal business.  

*fling!* 

It's possible that maybe, just maybe, the arm of my glasses might have hooked into the strap of the thong, which then acted like a slingshot for an elastic band of my Jacques-Imo's manties.  

Now I ask you, how the shit do you cover something like that up?

Do you apologize? 

I'm sorry for just catapulting my thong in your face, sir.  

or

They're clean I promise.  Well, kinda.  I mean...uhhhh... they were until I put them on my dog. 

Or do you just deny it? Like look away and run off the elevator like you were never there?

Holy fucking crap!  Somebody shoot me!

Welcome Aboard Wednesday!

{Read Part I: An 'Early' Beginning of Our Journey}

Wednesday morning we woke up bright and early, excited to get the day started. Chris, Danette & I started ours off a little differently than the rest of the crew. We went for a run on the boardwalk around the bay and let me just say IT.WAS.AH-MAZING. If I had that scenery and crisp weather, I would seriously run every single day. I don’t even have words in my vocabulary to do that experience any justice.

After pounding out several miles, followed up with a De-Lish! breakfast, we got our stuff together and headed off towards the boat. Luckily, the procedures of getting through Customs, security and ticketing were breezy and took us little time, allowing us an earlier boarding and more time to explore the ship before leaving the dock at 5:00 that afternoon.

When first entering the boat, we were greeted with a pretty sweet bar in the center of the boat, where guests were snatching up the special drink-of-the-day hand over fist.

I loved watching this set of elevators. Give me a couple of cocktails and I could follow those lights up and down until I was sick! I’m not exactly sure why I was so enamored with the lights, like was a six month old infant, but I just thought it was so pretty...

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…and even prettier to look all the way up from the bottom of the boat to see this on the 10th floor:

We all separated and headed to our respective cabins to retrieve our luggage and settle in. There, I met Pepito – my cabin steward. He rocked! With this being my first cruise, I was definitely spoiled by having a ocean-view balcony cabin all.to.myself! I don’t know that I will ever be able to take a cruise and room in anything less. And the pillows… Oh.My.Gawd.Cholesterol. Yes, please!

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After unpacking all my gear {and PS - a little BTW with a side note of FYI – do you know how freaking hard it is to pack for Alaska and keep your suitcase under the 50 pound weight regulation???} I went in search of the boys and unsurprisingly, I found them here:

Brews and cocktails in tow, we explored the ship. First stop: The Chapel. Kirk and I decided to validate our secret relationship and take the plunge. My bridesmaids wore beautiful blouses, made of fine cotton, while the groomsman wore a neatly tailored faux silk shirt. Wait, who.the.eff. were my bridesmaids? To all you hunky fellas out there just waiting for a opportunity to wine’n’dine me – no worries, we got our marriage annulled at dinner. Thanks Mary!

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After the chapel, we found our way to some pretty sweet lounges, the Dancin’ dance club {oh cheese!} and to all the bars we could possibly find. Please make note of this particular bar, the Shanghai Lounge and Piano Bar. You will see this again in future posts.

Quickly the clock rounded out to hit 5:00 and we set sail. Chris & Danette had a ridiculously large balcony {thank you handy-cap room} that connected to her Aunt Maureen & Uncle Bills balcony, so we had some serious space to watch us slowly drift away from the dock.

Adios Vancouver and VanCougars!

Wait, we’re not in Mexico – what do they speak in Canada? Oh right, French!

Au Revoir Vancouver!

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Sailing – Check!

More drinks – Check!

Dinner – Check!

Introducing Lane to the Black Jack tables – Check! Check! Check!

I learned the basic fundamentals of the game, however I was still sporting my training wheels, according to the boys. My $3 bets were killer. Killer, I tell ya. I was a machine on that table! {Sarcasm anyone? Sarcasm… Going once, going twice … }

The dealers probably had all they could take from me, so I retreated back to my room to settle in for a nice Alaskan sleep at sea. You know, with that summer sunlight and all…

At least I didn’t return to an empty bed, as I had originally thought. Pepito was so kind enough to give me a snuggle buddy, Wally Walrus!

Ahhhh, G’nite Sea.

Next up: Thursday, August 6th – Sailing the Inside Passage of British Columbia

Stay tuned….

The ‘Early’ Beginning of Our Journey

So this begins the multi-entry rendition of my amazing trip to Alaska.

It all started on Tuesday, August 4th at 4:30 am. I spent the night at Danette’s house, and was so quietly woken up by a sweet little visitor climbing into my bed. Sure, it would have totally rocked if that guest was some ridiculously hot dude, but a precious little five year old girl was fun too!

By the time we made it out of the room, C&D, Keith and Kirk were already congregating in the kitchen, starting to sort through luggage and pack it up. We definitely had the most pimp-ass ride to the airport, which was necessary to fit all of our crap! All this bad-boy vehicle is missing is Free Candy spray-painted on the side. Pair that with blacked out windows and Keith in the driver’s seat… suh-weet!

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Once loaded up, we were off to the airport. For leaving the house at shortly after 5 in the morning, most of us were pretty peppy. Most of us!

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We boarded the plane, and I am forever grateful that I had a separate flight to Vancouver than the rest of the gang. Reason being: Dots&Towels. This sounds pretty un-pc, so unlike me, I know {what the crap do you expect?} but the gang was overwhelmed with seriously over 120 of them congregating in the aisles mid-air. All I have to say is Amen! to flying solo. Luckily, they left them in Seattle … Or so they thought! {more on that later…}

Once in Vancouver, we headed off to to the Westin at Seaside to drop off our goods and begin exploring what Canada had to offer. During the cab ride, I handed the photography duties over to Keith, since he was documenting our search for VanCougars.  We were actually fairly successful!

I really wish we would have had more time to explore the city, but from what I was able to see, it was totally awesome! First, we it was necessary to grab a cold brew and take a rest and observe the scenery.

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We also decided to hold a little compare & contrast session. First with the Kokanee beer bottles and then the evolution of the Canon PowerShot.

Why on earth would we have so many dang cameras on the table? Well, it was most definitely to be readily available for any spectacular people-watching sights we were able to capture. We got plenty! Vancouver is …. interesting.

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And of course we had to capture the weird Japanese sushi-like hotdog vendor. So weird. {Gag!}

This stand was completely responsible for our worked-up appetites, forcing us to meet up with Kay & Richard and take over an awesome sea-side patio. It was so peaceful {until we go there} to just sit and watch the seaplanes fly in and out of the bay, and not to mention look at all the beautiful boats.

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It so happened that while we were visiting, Vancouver was hosting the World Police & Fire Games.

Anyone donning P&F Games apparel fell victim to my questions. Usually it was just Police or Fire? The end. However, one poor fella at the restaurant got a little more than he bargained for. I approached him to ask my standard question and soon learned that he was from Spain and spoke little English.

Very.Little.English.

We were only able to communicate slightly via his electronic translator he busted out of his pocket, but he did manage to ask me one extremely important question. He took my hand, noticing that there wasn’t a ring on my finger, and he poses the question:

You…. Me….. Tonight?!?!?!

Fabulous.

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I think it’s safe to say with all the Moslon brew we consumed and all the laughs shared, the group definitely enjoyed this venue!

Next up: Wednesday, August 5th – Exiting Vancouver!

Stay tuned …

Sweet Sister Surprise, Sweet Treat Surpirse!

I had such a fabulous surprise visitor today at the office. Molly is in town for the week before starting her final year of law school, and she decided to so kindly bless my first day back at work with her smiling face.

I had just sat back down at my desk after lunch and was uploading pictures, chatting and looking up Alaskan Beer retailers rumaging through some resumes and emails when my Client Services Rep opened my door. I turned to look and saw her and then my sister standing behind her yelling Surprise! Wow -- what a nice treat. Even better, she brought me a sweet treat too, a delicious Strawberries'N'Cream somethin'-or-'nother from Starbucks.

Best part about her whole visit was taking a stroll to the sales racks at Banana that she showed up looking exactly like me. We always somehow manage to unknowingly show up at the same places looking oddly similar. The hair, the colors, the outfit, the whole she-bang!



Thank you sissy for brightening my day! You can come visit me with yummy stuff any time you want!

XOXO

I'm Back!

Well, that was the most amazing vacation EVER!!!Words can't even describe how incredible it was, but I will do my best to capture the trip in full essence. It will take me several entries to try and remember everything and you will most likely be victims of picture overload.

It's sad to return to the real world again, after having two weeks of free time. I do have one special thing, or should I say boy, that made my return so super sweet. I missed him soooo much and couldn't wait to wrap my arms around him and give him lots of sugars.

Bon Voyage!

I feel as if I'm heading on some sort of pilgrimage. That, or it's like I'm boarding a boat, with only a special scarf and teddy bear in tow, to be shipped off to some better place in hopes of making my dreams come true.

Or, maybe I'm just going on a boat. A boat. A muthaeffin' boat!

A big one. A big muthaeffin' boat.

We have to leave the house about 5:00 tomorrow morning {holy shit! that's today. In 4 hours.} to head to the airport to make our way to Vancouver for a day's stay before boarding the boat.

A boat. A big boat. A big muthaeffin' boat.

From there we will sail far far away.

The end.

{It's not really the end. I'll see y'all again in two weeks!}

AMF!

Wait, It Gets Better!

Since my last post was somewhat of an evil stab at my mother and her disgusting, ratty, matted, annoying smelly cats furry, fluffy, feline friends, I figured maybe I needed to go back and dedicate some words about her love for dogs. We already know that my mom is madly in love with any sort of living creature, most of them being more valued than her own flesh and blood.

No, I will not be going on and on, telling you stories about any of the following:

• The wrought iron fence is literally rotting away due to heavily-acidic dog tinkles.



• The time when cracked-out Ernie from the streets of South Dallas (yes, we have a hood rat dog) took a nice little bite right out of my dad's ass.



• How the dogs get out of the gate, wander off for hours at a time, only to be found covered in shit {literally, shit!} because they have made their way to the city water treatment plant



• If you are missing an item -- say maybe a sock, an entire lightbulb or even a Tiffany's watch -- give it a few days and it might mysteriously reappear in the back yard. How those dogs' digestive systems pass whole items through their entire body and out their caboose is way beyond me. {There is no elaboration here. Dis shiz is fo realz, yo!}



• Having a large Black Lab / Mastiff mix escape from the house and then having to chase him through the neighborhood only to find him running in someone's front door and eating their entire dinner off the kitchen counter. Can we say *mortified* ?!?!



• Being the daughter of a woman who will spend hours camped out underneath a trailer at a truck stop in Carl's Corner trying to rescue a yard-dog.



• Having to shove your 4 kids in the very back of a car on an 8-hour roadtrip home from New Orleans, just so you can sit in the backseat with a new dog you picked up at a convenience store.



• The time I got a call from my mother to bring her a drink because she was really thirsty. When asked where she was, she said she had been camped out in some field/yard/parking lot {don't really remember} for three hours trying to catch a stray dog.



• How about when at a friend's graduation party, my mom offered to remove stitches from said friend's dog. She whipped out the tools straight from her purse and got to work!



• Watching your mother ask for scraps at a party so that she may then take them home to her animals.



• Does your dog have a psychiatrist? I'm just saying that maybe it could be a possibility that my mom might have looked into {read: hired} someone to analyze the dog's feelings.



• Due to said canine psychiatrist's reports, Marley is suffering from severe depression caused by not knowing his place in the pack. Therefore, when boarded for any length of time, he {and only he} is rewarded with a king 2-room suite with a bed, tv and attached private dog run.



• Or any other possible scenario out of the list of millions you can think of...

No, I will not be discussing any of those with you here today. Instead, I would just like to reveal my mom's true love, her passion, dedication, unconditional appreciation for dogs.

My mom loses her keys. A lot! When this happens, {and she will deny this till the day her ashes are sprinkled in the Guadalupe River - sorry floaters - it's her ultimate resting place} her nice, calm and collected spirit turns into that of a raging psycho.

Shit! Fuck! Dammit! Sonofa... Mutherfa!Crap!ThisIsBullshit! Miiiiike.......

Anyone who has ever witnessed my mother lose her keys, you should be holding your special place right now for fear of wetting your panties {or manties}, because you know how soooo damn funny it is to watch. However, you want to definitely be watching from afar, because trust me -- NOBODY wants to be caught up in her wrath.

Anyway, so my mom loses her keys. A lot. While at a restaurant one day, I was digging through my mom's purse for some chapstick and during my search, I see a small brown piece of yarn sticking up out of the dark depths of hell {her purse} and I slowly retrieve this magnificent find.

My jaw dropped.

My eyes started watering.

I couldn't breathe.

Mom, WhatTheHell is this shit?!?!

{Crickets!}

Oh, that's my new keychain. My friend-at-work's husband made it for me, so I'd never ever lose my keys again. It's so easy to find them, I.Love.It!

So folks, let me now introduce to her keychain.



I don't know if I've ever told y'all about my mom. She really likes dogs!

Feline Fiasco

My mom has cats. Three cats. It has been rumored that they aren't liked all that well in the Stanga household. I really don't even think my mom likes them all that much, but what's she gonna do?!?!

So remember how we have the 17 year old cat on a daily dialysis treatment? You know, Maxie, the one my mom sticks an IV into every.single.day and pumps him full of fluids?

****

Well, let's take a break from talking about Maxie and dedicate some much-needed attention to Grey Kitty. Yes, that is his name. Grey Kitty.

Rewind a few years, say circa 2005 or so:

During some x-ray for one reason or another, {or 500 reasons because they are, in fact, my mom's animals. And her pets seem to have every possible problem in the world...} the doctor realized there was a bullet next to the cat's heart.

You read correctly.

A bullet.

In the cat.

Piercing his heart.

How the crap did the cat get a bullet in his heart?

Well, turns out, our neighbor was bragging one day about how he thought he had finally gotten rid of the armadillo that has been lurking in the neighborhood gardens. When we inquired how he managed to do that, he responded:

"It was early one morning, barely light out and I saw the gray shadow moving in the bushes. I ran inside, got my gun and shot it."

Small, insy, teeny, tiny mistake.

He didn't exactly shoot the armadillo.

He shot our cat.

With a gun.

In the heart.

And did the cat die?

No...... {dammit} Thank God!

We still have armadillos.


Fast forward a couple of years to late 2007 or early 2008:

Grey Kitty was sprawled out, catching some rays in the driveway. Daddy was in a hurry to leave the house. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened.

Dad + Car + Cat + Driveway =MEEOOOOOWWWWWWCHHHHHHH!!!!!

He ran over the cat.

The cat with a bullet in his heart.

Ran over it with his car.

And do you think the cat died?

Noooooooo..... Dammit! Thank God!


Fast forward again to July 2009:

Grey Kitty has a problem with his front paw and is limping. Mom takes him in to the vet to check it out, where they send him in for an x-ray. Which then leads to removing a lump out of his paw and sending it in for a biopsy.

Cancer. The cat has cancer.

And do you want to know how exactly the cat got cancer?

Because my dad ran over it with the car. Yes, if you run over a cat with a car -- and the cat doesn't die -- it will then instead develop cancer. Who knew? I didn't know that! Did you?

Somehow, the pressure from the tire caused a cyst to develop in the cat's paw, which turned malignant and is now spreading up his leg and eventually to his body.

Has this killed the cat?

Noooooo.......

Don't you think that after years full of trauma and bad luck, the cat would be much better off going peacefully to live with the feline Father?

Don't worry, we'll never cease to amaze you. My mom cannot bring herself to put the cat down, because he's only 12 years old and has so much more life to live. {With cancer, and a bullet in his heart.}

Today, the cat is at the vet.

Getting his leg amputated!

We will now be the newest family of the 3-legged cat.

We will also now be renaming the cat to Lucky! The 3-legged, bullet catching cat.

I joke a lot about the ridiculous stories that have come from our pets, and think this too is a bit overboard, however my mom is really upset by this, so I do hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. For her sake. So please send a little prayer up to the Good Lord for a quick recovery and emotional strength for my mom.

****

Did I just bring down the mood? Wait, I can bring it back up!

Let's talk about the third cat. Black Kitty. What a bitch she is!!! But we know why she's so moody and I think I would be too.

Several years back, we were watching the cats play with the ornaments on the Christmas tree. They were having a grand 'ole time, pawing and climbing and everything else those creatures do. It was precious...

...until Black Kitty decided to take a bite into the string of lights.

The tree darkened.

There were sparks.

The cat fell out of the tree with her fur standing straight up, foam dripping from her mouth.

The stupid cat electrocuted herself.

And did that kill the cat?

Nooooooo..... {Dammit!} Thank God!

The next winter season, the cat went missing. For about four days or so. Mom was really worried about her, fearing she may have become a snack for the coyotes.

It was a rare season with tons of cold rain. Ice and sleet. Snow even.

Half a week later, in below-freezing temperatures, we found the cat.

Stuck in a tree.

Alive.

Did the lack of food, water paired with being completely frozen and unable to move kill the cat?

Nooooooo......Dammit! Thank God!


If you have never once believed that cats really do have more chances at life than any other living creature, come to our house!

We cannot seem to get rid of these damn cats!!!

Any suggestions?

Martini Tour 2009 - Friday

As mid-summer was approaching, Daddy and I were gearing up for our big trip to NOLA to visit with Molly and partake in the latest Martini Tour group event.

We hopped in the car mid-afternoon on Thursday and embarked on a 7+ hour journey through the piney woods of east Texas and downward through the cedar stump swamplands of southern Louisiana. This road trip proved to be plenty entertaining as we tuned into KBON 101.1 out of Eunice. To a person that isn’t familiar with the dialect and thought process of the swamp inhabitants, words cannot even describe how incredibly humorous this radio show is!

With a late-evening arrival, daddy and I headed straight to Molly’s house to chat for a bit before calling it a night. Lawd knows we needed plenty of rest for what we were about to endure in the following days. Oh, I almost forgot… Jacques-Imo took the trip with us and I finally got to introduce him to his Auntie Molly and cousin Boudreaux.

Friday morning came pretty early and we were all up-n-at-em. Molly had to leave for work pretty early and dad and I both had plenty of work to do for the majority of Friday. While we were on conference calls, checking emails and messages, searching our computers for appropriate documents, and all other forms of work, the dogs were left to play. Let’s just say it was somewhat hard to concentrate with daddy doing business over the phone and listening to the over-sized, bug-eyed, snotty-faced, snorting monster Boudreaux trying to eat Jacques in the background. Luckily, I did manage to get a significant amount of work done.

Once we completed our tasks for the day, we headed out to meet up with my parrain, Billy Boy Bratton for a delicious lunch at a hole-in-the-wall po-boy shop, Crabby Jack’s. As soon as you enter the door to this disgusting building that clearly hasn’t passed a health code inspection since it’s been opened, your mouth is instantly watering. You are greeted with a wall of nothing but a variety of hot sauces and you immediately feel a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart {that will soon move to your stomach and then so on….}

Dad and I decided to split a regular sized po-boy, which was way more than either of us needed, plus a cup of gumbo. Talk about D.E. Licious! We went for the infamous shrimp remolaude and fried green tomato po-boy and I was getting full eating the shrimp that fell off my sandwich before I could even get to the actual meal. We thought we had lost Uncle Bill for awhile, but we found him. He was just buried underneath a heaping pile of fried shrimp & oysters. YUMMY!!!

{Hi, this is Lane. Can you please send a janitor to office 256 to clean up the drool that has just engulfed my desk. Pronto! Okay, thanks! }

Following lunch was a nap was a mingling with the locals as we boarded the ferry to ride over to Algiers Point. History lesson: New Orleans is also referred to as the Crescent City. The reason being is the Mississippi River curves at a certain point, forming a crescent around the south side of the city.

{I see you scrolling your mouse over to the X button now… Don’t you dare deny me this lesson!}

Anyway, the turning point of the river is called Algiers Point, which forms a nice little community on the other side of the river. After working so hard at consuming and digesting such a fabulous meal, we were in definite need of a refreshment. We stopped at the Dry Dock Bar for a beer, then a cocktail.

Moving on… we drove through the streets and admired some incredibly precious houses for sale before heading over to the actual point to get a glimpse of the Quarter and Jackson Square from across the river. Turns out it was pouring outside so the view wasn’t clear. With disappointment in our hearts, we stumbled across The Old Point Bar, one of the original old dives in some shady-looking building. The weather forced us into the bar and grab another drink. Dammit! What a cool venue it was. Here is where we discussed my wedding {I hear y’all snickering out there} and the fact that dad would be more then willing to pay for a wedding that included a bar crawl through Nola. Hey – I’m down for that!

Exiting the bar, the sun was as bright as could be with rays beating down on my naked eyes and fair skin. We tried the Algiers Point view again and Success! I saw this:

I see you’re not really impressed with A) my photography and/or B) my subject. But when you cross back over the river and get close, you see this. Isn’t she a beaut?

Finally, we called it an afternoon and headed back to Uptown for a quick change and to pick up the sister. Our plan for the night was to head back down to the Quarter to meet up with Newfield and JP {his first NOLA trip since turning 21 a month ago! Wahoo!} at Muriel’s. However, while parking, we were sidetracked when we spotted this bad boy.

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It is without a doubt we had to stop for a few photo ops. I’m pretty sure I’d like to get this sweet paint job done on the Cerv.

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Finally, we sat down to eat {again!} and ended with a Pimm’s Cup nightcap at The Napoleon House. Please note: I said PIMM’S CUP…not PIMP’S CUP. A low-key night was definitely in order if we were going to get up extremely early on Saturday for the main event of the weekend.

Blog to come…

What Better Place to Spend the 4th Than Whitehouse?!?!

If anyone can’t tell by the lack of frivolous stories on my posts, I’ve seem to have lost a huge part of my entertainment value:  Kacy.

She moved back to her hometown, Whitehouse, a few months ago and since then, my level of fun seems to have plummeted to the ground. 

I decided to hop in the car, with Jacques-Imo in tow, and head to celebrate the holiday with the Mills Clan.

Some might think that this sort of reunion would produce a plethora of crazy stories, but that couldn’t be any further from the truth.  And, I couldn’t be more happy about it. 

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I can honestly say that this was one of the best weekend getaways ever!  I didn’t have to do anything at all.  There was no schedule, no agenda, no time restrictions -- nothing.  We just lounged around outside all day for the majority of the weekend.  

There was gee-tar pickin…

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… and singin’ …

… dogs for days!

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Chris & Kacy engaged in a Cannonball & Jack-knife competition …

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… but wouldn’t have had the graceful technique if it weren’t for Coach Raymond… 

{He would have participated if only Tory would have let him get in the water without his ear plugs.  What is he, like five?}

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What a perfect spot to just lounge around all day! And yes, I am the biggest nerd around for reading in the pool.  Shut up!

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Although I did take a few dips in the refreshing water, I did settle into my spot for the weekend.  For three days, I enjoyed this view:

{No comment necessary on the toes. Ok, Thanks!)

Of course, this wasn’t completely a voluntary position – the sun is what kept me in hiding.  But the dogs seemed to find it cozy …

And the food?!?!  How could I not have talked about the food yet?  Let’s just say we ate well ALL.WEEKEND.LONG.    Top it off with a beyond-spectacular fireworks show only about 30 yards in front of us!!!

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Finally, with a girls trip to see The Proposal ending the weekend, I must say this trip scored a big fat ten!!! 

Thank you again, Mills family.  Can’t wait to do it again!

Cold-hearted

A few weeks ago, in a vicinity pretty close to my house, there was an altercation between a few men, resulting in gunfire and murder.

I've been somewhat following bits and pieces of the story, and today as I'm checking the DMN website, I find this article:

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/061309dnmetdairyqueen.72a8b6d4.html

I am a sick sick human being. Reading this, I didn't feel like justice was served. I didn't feel sad for the victim and his family. Instead, I felt excited.

Excited ... about an article involving murder ...

WTF is wrong with me??

But, to be completely honest ... my excitement stems purely from the fact that the article informed me of a Dairy Queen that is close to my house. And there is nothing that isn't exciting about a Blizzard. There just isn't!

I'm sick!

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!

WOW -- I can't believe that my sweet little niece is already one!!!

1 day old: June 1, 2008

1 year old: June 1, 2009

These have been the best 365 days ever.  I have loved watching you learn and grow.  Can't wait to see what is in your bright future! 

Love you baby girl!

Only a Mother Would Say

Let me ask you ladies, what the hell are you supposed to do with this comment:

Laney, you have such a pretty face. I'm just sad you're not living up to your full potential in the looks department.

I mean I don't know even know what she's referring to...

If it's because I wore dirty running socks yesterday, I mean I guess I could either wash them or buy more. Buutttt, I was using them to go on another run, it wasn't like I wore them out anywhere....

Is it because I go as long as I possibly can without washing my hair? Well, I can assure you that isn't going to change.

And when I do finally wash my hair, is it because I rarely run a brush through it, but leave the kinks to work themselves out in? Yeah woman...you try battling Medusa every.single.day. every.single.three.days.

Maybe she doesn't believe in my theory of not worrying about how much prep time you spend getting yourself ready, as long as you have a precious pair of earrings, you look totally hot...

Eyeliner, mascara and blush isn't a face-full of pretty?

Wait, maybe I've got it! -- Does she disapprove of me constantly unbuttoning my pants after a meal? Or is it the jelly rolls that ooze over the sides of my pants and our from underneath my bra straps?

Did someone say cupcake?

Is it because when I see the sun shining, I lock myself indoors and close all the blinds in attempt to get as little sun exposure as possible? ...because sun poisoning is.not.cool. -- I'm just sayin...

Does she disagree with my rubberband permanently worn as a bracelet and a running headband that can bail me out of any most folicle desasters?

Is it my toes? It is isn't it? Well dammit woman, you have these monkey thumbs to me, so quit bitchin about it!!

Want me to brush my teeth more when I come stay at your house? Stop throwing away my toothbrushes or using them to clean toilets. I will do a lot of gross things, but I refuse to brush my teeth with toilet water! Is that too much to ask?

I mean, I don't even know how to begin fixing what she finds flawed -- but the good news is this: at least she says I have potential!

Funny, but Sad!

This is my beautiful sister and her friend Jonathan.  They are currently on a drinking studying abroad type program which includes stops in London, Istanbul, and Greece. 

Obviously her cell phone doesn't work over there, but fortunately she is able to get online and chat with us when she's got some downtime. I got up from my computer and when I came back, I had a nice surprise waiting for me: a message from Molly!

"So someone came up to me and asked me what I was. Was I a cougar? Or was I a milf?"

...and that is how my Monday evening was just made!!! 

Thinkin' Outside the Bun!

As I was headed to lunch today, I debated where I would eat - much like I do every.single.day. Deciding against the burger, or thinking outside the bun, I was headed towards TacoBell. Quick glance into the shopping center right before the TB and I notice an alterations shop.

{Thinking... You know, I actually have my pants with me. Score!!! }

Now, let me explain how my lunchtime adventures, all the while trying to avoid the bun, were ironically filled with nothing but (no pun intended) the bun{s}.

---So taking things a few weekends back, I went shopping with Danette, Jen and Amber - all of whom encouraged me to keep pulling out my plastic and giving it a little swipe-a-roo through the register. They definitely talked me into these kickass white pants. Yes, I said white pants. And no, phenomenally, they don't make my ass look incredibly huge. Or flat. In fact, they're probably the only white jean/pants that I will ever be able to pull off! Butt, do they make me look tanner than I really am?!?!? Oh hellllllssss nah! Butt I'll give a little to take a little, right?---

Back to present day -- I make the swift decision that before I fill my gut, I should probably take these pants in to get the hem taken up. You know, for my midget stump legs. I walk out to the tri-fold mirror so Mr. Miyagi can chalk up the appropriate length, and as he's squatting down, he's eye-level with my backside. I shit you not, he takes his finger and traces the gem-lined embroidery on my back pockets. Pretty sure I got a nice little rubdown...

{Circling design with finger} Oh, yis is wery pwetty pocket. You pant are wery bootiful!

I was tempted to say Yes, sir -- my pants are very booty-full! butt I refrained. Instead, I just thanked him for the molestation compliment and went to change back into my other wardrobe.

Out the door I walk, and decide that maybe since I'll soon be donning tight white pants...maaayyybeeee I should forgo the stop at Taco Bell. Jason's Deli is definitely the healthier choice, and it's still outside the bun, so it'll do just fine. And it happens to be right next door to Mr. Miyagi.

As I'm sitting at a table near the counter, and eating my very healthy meal all sophisticated and skinny-like {in my head I was MaryKate-elbows-and-knees skinny} I am involuntarily exposed to more of the bun. Two men who have obviously just completed a vigorous workout are perusing the menu, when one of them slowly starts rubbing the back of the other. Then his hand creeps due south and begins caressing his 'workout partner's' buns, butt not without slowly sneaking his little fingers up the dude's shorts for a little skin-to-skin action.

*Rub!*Pinch!*Squeeze!*Rub!*Pat!*

I mean, seriously?!?

SERIOUSLY?!?

Sear.
E.
Us.
Leigh?!?!

Oh gag... {thinking...is this considered binging and purging if I'm not actually inducing the vomit myself?}

Then, a chick, somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one I'm assuming, bends over to retrieve a belonging she dropped on the floor. In her mini-skirt. The mini-skirt without panties... Oh, wow! Well, I guess I couldn't completely escape the taco either...

Turns out, my lunch was quite ironic. I swear, it was with only good intentions I tried to avoid empty-carb buns and greasy tacos ... butt, it just didn't exactly work out that way. Thanks to a few {ahem, Mr. Miyagi, Senor CuddleMeBums and Tiffany Taco) certain people.

I think I'll bring my lunch tomorrow. I'm thinking chicken breasts... no?

Explanation...

Okay, okay - I know it has been *forever* since I have posted anything interesting (wait, have I EVER posted anything interesting???), and I can basically blame it on the funk I have been in for the past month.

{WTF is a funk anyway?}

I was hoping that I could at least rely on Lady Haydie to fill in for me, but he too has been experiencing an ongoing blah attitude, not to mention a recent bout of BCOD. He's in full recovery mode now, no worries.

Speaking of ailments, let me just tell you about my little injury I sustained last week. Every time I cough, laugh, or even move really, I have this excruciating pain in the right side of my ribcage. Not quite sure exactly what I did, but it's one of two things: I popped a rib out or I pulled a muscle.

If you haven't been up to speed on my latest Facebook statuses, let me inform you how exactly I managed to do this to myself...

...

I was eating a chicken wing!

...

{Excussseeee me, did I just hear someone muffle fatass under their breath?!?!?}

Because let me assure you that I am a calorie-over indulger, carb addict, greasy-fingered lardass no fat kid. Sure, sure, it seems almost impossible to choke on a piece of poultry, inducing a heinous coughing fit and resulting in a very serious injury, but that's why I consider myself extremely talented. These things are just like Mission: ImPossible for me.

Don't believe me?

Well, have you ever pulled a muscle or displaced a rib because you were gnawing on a bone?

Yeah, didn't think so...

Or, better yet... Have you ever broken your toe while floating the river? Like literally sitting in a tube, floating in your own filth at about 0.235271 miles an hour and actually snapped your toe bone in half?

...Yeah, didn't think so either.

See, like I said... I'm just talented like that!