The First Step to Recovery

... is Admitting You Have a Problem

Yes, I admit, I may just have a slight have a problem...a weird method of validating to myself that I am indeed, not as big of a tank ass as I may have once thought. Or maybe I am?

Lately, I've been packin' on the pounds in order to keep warm for winter. And yes, I know the pumpkin pies and holiday goodies aren't even out yet, but who needs that stuff when you have pizza, Mexican food and beer??? Let's just say that when the seasonal treats do finally come out of the oven, I'll be reeeaaaaalllyyyy warm and cozy.

Anyhoo, some strange midget must be coming into my closet at night and taking in my pant waists because they're just not making their way over my hips. After a few tugs and jumps around the room, I can finally get them around my gut, but therein lies another problem...the buttons. Now I'm pretty familiar with sporting the unbuttoned-pants look, but that usually only happens after lunch. Notice I said usually. I know I'm f*cked when I have to start my day, when I'm the skinniest, with them unbuttoned.

A few weeks ago, I decided to stroll around the Village during my lunch break and found myself staring at the sale racks. Since my size X's that fill my closet are begging for mercy, I figured I'd just give in and buy some bigger pants. I grab the one size up - size XX, and holy shit, they don't even fit over my thighs. It's worse than I thought! With tears in my eyes, I readdress the sizing situation and grab a second pair of pants, this time a size XXX. *SON OF A BITCH!* Oops, did I just scream that out loud in the middle of the dressing room? Now, having gone two sizes up from what I'm used to, and these f*cking things don't even button either? What is happening to me??? Obviously, I bolt out of the store without any new pants and am super depressed about my weight. Depressed enough to stop at Paciugo on my way out!

I try this shopping thing again Monday night, and I refuse to buy two sizes up, so I just try on the size XX again. They're a little tight, but I decided I will not wear them until I can fit in them comfortably. And that will be one day very very soon! This morning I woke up, put on the new pants for a test and PRAISE THE LORD, they are baggy! BAGGY! Don't think I didn't double check the tag to make sure I wasn't just dreaming. Because I did. Twice. Does this mean I can still fit into all my old clothes? I am just peachy today, strutting my stuff in my oh-so-saggy pants. Yes, they look hideous because they don't fit, but I am so excited that I can move in them and button them too!

On a little lunch outing to Target today, I decided to really test myself to the max. I secretly sneak over to the girls department, pick up the largest size girls pants that are made and take them to the fitting room. For some unknown reason, I feel that all is right in the world if I can squeeze my lard ass into a girls' size 16 pant. What the hell kind of test is that? I'm a grown woman, how could I possibly expect to judge my size based on little girl's clothing? I know it's no fair to myself, but I still do it.

Turns out, I still have a weight problem. I could only get one leg into the pants before realizing I failed the ultimate test of all tests. I didn't really want those Hannah Montana sparkly pants, but then again...I kinda did!