Dieting

Is the worst invention in the whole entire world. I'm starving. I just ate. And I'm starving!

I don't really need to lose weight or anything, but I'm just hoping to change my eating habits for the next month, in order to be a tiny bit healthier and temporarily get rid of my hard-earned beer gut, so I am not squeezing into my bridesmaid dress for Scott and Abby's beach wedding. I refuse to be 'that sister.' You know, the one with the boobage hanging out all over the place, the one with zipper threatening to pop off like a champagne cork at any given moment-striking one of the wedding guests in the eye and blinding them, the one with that will look 4 months pregnant after eating one single bite of cake. I refuse to be the subject of conversation "Who was that one bridesmaid that had no business wearing that dress?"..."Oh shhh. That's the groom's younger sister. I know, it totally wasn't flattering!"

So with that, I have taken a routine of a Special K bar in the morning. Seriously, the hunger I feel eating after one of those is ridiculous if compared to when I eat a big honkin' blueberry donut and a kolache. Don't snicker at me. Ms. Woo at the local donut shop pretty much knows me and my order by now. Sure, I'm a heffer - but I'm making friends while I'm getting that way. Eating such a light breakfast means that I have to eat lunch way earlier than normal, before I die of hunger.

What the hell is up with Lean Cuisines? I'm not going to lie, I really do enjoy many of their flavors and it isn't the food that bothers me. It doesn't necessarily leave me that hungry, the portions are pretty good, but not too large. I'm beginning to appreciate not having to unbutton my pants, like I do after a lunch of cheeseburgers and tacos. This isn't a joke. It's like I'm a disgusting beer-drinkin, balding-head scrathching, wife-beater wearing, unemployed, Jerry Springer watching, middle aged man with his pants undone after a real satisfying all-you-can-eat buffet. What does irritate me to no end though is as soon as I'm done eating, I automatically crave something sweet. I'm not a huge sweet eater, with the exemption of cake, but this is a directly-correlated cause and effect: LC = Sweet Tooth. If I were to keep some sweets in my desk, I'd eat them in one sitting, so I'm left with an alternative snack for mid-afternoon.

100 calorie popcorn bags are a great idea. I really like the Kettle Corn option because it gives me a little bit of sweet with a little bit of salt, and I no longer am tempted to go buy a cupcake down at Celebrity, which by the way suck. I seriously haven't had a cupcake that dry and disgusting in a long time. And to be from Celebrity? What a disappointment! Anyway, so I have a box of 100-calorie packs to eat a few hours after lunch. Since it's a smaller portion, you don't have to microwave it for as long, as the box instructs to put it in for a minute to a minute & a half or until pops are 1 to 2 seconds part. Ok, 1.5 minutes goes by - no popping. Another 1.5 minutes - no popping. Another 1.5 minutes - 2 pops. 30 seconds more - 4 pops. Add 30 more seconds to that running total - 3 pops. Add another 1 minute - no popping. One last shot at 30 more seconds - 1 pop. Screw that. I took my bag of inpotent popcorn back to my office and was going to pick through the pieces. 100 calorie packs? No shit! I think they were a bit generous with the calorie countage, I'm going with 5 calories. Of the kernals that actually popped, maybe like 3 didn't burn.

Please excuse my eloquent speech, but F*CK THIS! I'm going to Double Daves tonight for some pepperoni rolls dripping in copious amounts of ranch and marinara sauce. I can't wait to bite into a hot, calorie-packed mound of carbs and have pepperoni grease run down my elbows. Then, I will unbutton my pants.

Why does my dress not fit again?