Homemade Hems

Once upon a time, I was pretty hip - wearing the latest fashion trends and fancy brand names. I was totally into Abercrombie and stuff. Oh but wait, that was when I was in 6th grade, waaaayyyy before it became a popular, over-priced, over-marketed money making machine. In 6th grade, I think my friends were still waiting to see the latest plaid print hot off the press at Limited Too. Don't forget that matching scrunchie! And the boys, well I think that's when Mossimo was a hot brand (pre-Target days) in addition to Quicksilver and Redsand. Okay, okay, so I was cool in Abercrombie even before it was cool - a little before the times. By the time A&F was the hottest thing to put on a teenage body, I was moving right along into Harold's and Ann Taylor. I strictly remember the scarves I used to tie around my neck in 10th grade. I can't tell you how many times I was mistaken as a teacher. I wasn't high maintenance - I was OLD. You would think with the progression of designer names as I hit my teenage years, now that I'm 24 - I should be in Hermes or something ridiculously expensive like that. PS - I just learned that it's pronounced "Ur-maze" and not "Her-Mese" like I had thought. Doesn't Ur-maze sound like a dude selling watermelons out the back of a truck on Mexican Highway 420? Clearly, I came to the end of my rope and plummeted towards lower-class fashion. Have I mentioned how I heart Target and my Target credit card?

Okay, so the point of the story is that while one time I had an appreciation for fine clothes, it was always about a year or two before it was even considered halfway cool, but it wasn't the expenseive prices I prided myself on. Instead, it was probably that it set me apart from the others. Set me apart by like 30 years, but whatev. Now, I just look like every person who would also wear red and khaki to just get the holiday discount. However, my friends are always on their A game with fashion and they play it well. To me, it seems absolutely exhausting to win that game, but that's because I'm simple, and boring, and old. To them, they blow opponents out of the water every time!

One of my good girlfriends is getting married in July, and she had a bridal shower last Saturday morning, which would be followed later that night with a lingerie shower and bachelorette party.
I was planning on going to the lingerie shower before the big party, but since I'm not your typical goer-outer, I was going to bail on the whole party bus/wild & crazy/ single girls' night out with blow up penises. When I showed up to the bridal shower that morning and I was the only one not wearing some really fancy dress, but instead I was wearing some kickass pinstripe Bermuda shorts, I was immediately anxious about showing up to the bachelorette party later that night in something I thought was cute, but would look like a Wal-Mart close out item compared to everyone else. Oh who am I kidding, we all know I'm a Target girl through and through (and have a passion for hating Wal-Mart), so it would have been something from the 75% off clearance rack at Target. I was so hesitant about the whole thing that I didn't even make it to the lingerie part of it.

Anyway, last night Robyn, Allison and I were watching the Bachelorette on TV when they started talking about dresses. I overhear them say something about ruining a $500 dress, so I immediately inquire. First of all, I don't own a $500 dress and never have. Even that phenomenal turquoise bead-factory that I wore to prom wasn't $500. Secondly, if I own a $500+ dress, it better be a freaking wedding gown by Oscar de la Renta. (I don't know who that is, just heard the name. Do they sell him at Target?) So anyway, Allison had just purchased a new $500 dress that she was going to sport out at Casey's bachelorette party, and she got it from LFT. Anyone heard of it? I'm thinking it stands for Luxurious Fashion Trends, but turns out it's Lifestyle Fashion Terminal. Um, who that crap has a $500 dress lifestyle? That's not a lifestyle, that's a once-every- two-years bonus check. Regardless of my own ailing bank account, some people can handle spending that kind of money. Maybe not the wisest choice, but at least their heads don't explode when they get their credit card bill the way mine would.

Allison had this new dress she was going to wear, but she wanted it a little bit shorter than it came. I'll admit, she has an awesome figure and beautiful tanned legs, unlike these toothpaste tubes I walk on. Unfortunately, she didn't have enough time before the party to get it professionally altered. Her trusty advisor, AKA Robyn, was there with her getting ready and offered to lend a hand. The plan was to trim a bit off the bottom and hem it up for the night and then get it done at an alterations place later that week. At least it would be a quick fix for the night, right? Neither one of them thought about having Allison try the dress on to measure the necessary length, so Robyn just laid it on the bed and got to cutting, while Allison watched in anticipation. Snip, snip, snip and it was done. Ready to throw on and head out for a night of fun and frivolous drinking. One problem, that new dress, that never-worn dress, that dress with the tag on it, was now a shirt that only came down to Allison's va-jay-jay. So there they are, frantically wondering WHAT THE FOCK they just did to a perfectly fine (probably over-priced, but fine) $500 dress... that can never be worn again...or even for the first time.

This is still a bitter subject with them, being that it's only 3 days later, but I have to admit that I have a shit-eating grin on my face telling this story. I think this is HYSTERICAL!!! I am sorry for finding such entertainment while two other girls are nearly in tears over the situation, but I seriously don't think anyone can't laugh at this...except for Robyn and Allison. I mean, I would be equally distraught if that happened to me and my dress...my $4.98 Target clearance dress, that is. Pretty ironic though, about a month ago, I posted a blog about Sheryl and the t-shirt-turned-dress. Who knew that only weeks later, I would be provided with such stellar material about a dress-turned-tshirt. I do sometimes wonder how I can even relate to my friends in some ways, but then if I didn't, I would wonder where my entertainment would come from.